Walk it Out

Last night, David Phillips slapped a solo shot walk-off home run in the bottom of the ninth inning to notch one for the good guys against Austin Peay 8-7. The move to insert Phillips in the ninth was a strong one by Bianco. He wanted out of that game that inning, and that was the best way to do it.

I'm confused about why a guy with such power is sitting on the bench while Mike Snyder, batting a whopping 0.125 is batting as much as he is (only two more at bats than Phillips, but still). Let's give Phillips a legitimate shot in the order and see what he can do. I like Mike Snyder as much as the next guy, but maybe this year isn't his year.

At this point in the season, headed into SEC play, I want our order to be as follows:

1. Jordan Henry CF
2. Tim Ferguson 2B
3. Matt Smith 1B
4. Logan Power RF
5. David Phillips DH
6. Kevin Mort SS
7. Zach Miller 3B
8. Taylor Hashman LF
9. Brett Basham C

All nine of those batters are batting over 300. I don't see a glaring weakness in the order. What do you all think?

BTW, if any of you are planning on calling me out for the baseball recruiting article I did almost a year ago that mentioned David Phillips would get lost in the shuffle because of Mike Snyder, please don't. Being wrong makes me cry.

Why we like Houston Nutt

He isn't this guy:


We get it, alright. You despise Houston Nutt. He's got an ego, pissed off Mitch Mustain, has a predictable offense, wears goofy hats, had an affair with a weather lady, sells snake oil, delivers trite press conferences, has really strong thumb muscles, and has a demeanor characteristic of a well-groomed Yosemite Sam.

Guess what. We don't fucking care. He may exhibit every single one of the qualities you have mentioned but he isn't the nation's biggest college football related punchline after Charlie Weis' girth and Lou Holtz's lisp. 20% of Houston Nutt's 10 seasons at Arkansas were losing seasons; 100% of O's 3 were. Does that make any sort of sense to you? Houston Nutt will win games in Oxford. Despite your wildest fantasies (which I think involve HDN, a meteor-strike, and the bubonic plague), Nutt will do good things for our program.

We're excited about him being here, just as you are excited about Petrino's arrival in Fayetteville. Why is that such a hard pill for you to swallow? We're glad to have a coach that, compared to Orgeron at least, is respected on a national level yet you don't want us to be excited. You want us to be miserable.

Here's a hypothetical: if we were to curse HDN just as you are-I'm talking 100% bat-shit crazy hatred for the guy-would you be behaving with feelings of sympathy towards us Rebel fans? I doubt it.

Give it a rest. We'll see you in October.



PS - Comments redacted. There's nothing you can say that we haven't heard and there's nothing we can say that you haven't heard. You know this, we know this. We're both incredibly proud fanbases and we're not about to let someone at the helm of a laptop change any of that. Some of you will likely snicker, click over to your Myspace, and call us a bunch of "bruised pussy havin' cowards" but, if you are as enlightened and educated as you claim to be, I imagine most of you will let the dust settle until football season.

A Query... Actually Two

As Fans and NAF's of Ole Miss alike are well aware, the first presidential debate between Sens. McCain and Obama will take place Friday, September 26, on the campus of the University of Mississippi. The following day, the Rebels will be battling the the fightin' TEBOOOOOW's in Gainesville.

Now, mind you, I am a political animal who aspires to high office (so long as Ghost never gets a) greedy and b) in contact with the tabloid media) and has recently become purveyor of a weblog for true, red-blooded Magnolia State right-wing nut jobs. There's my shameless plug. Get over it. The links don't click themselves.

My queries are thus:

First, if I could procure tickets to the game (optimistic, cautiously) and the debate (pessimistic with reckless abandon), which should I pick?

Second, is it more likely
A) that John McCain will wipe the floor with Barack Obama in Oxford en route to a surprising (for some), devastating (for Democrats) win in November that will win the War in Iraq and, ultimately, produce the savior of Ole Miss football, or

B) that the Rebels will pick apart the Florida secondary in Gainesville en route to a surprising (to all), devastating (to Orson Swindle) win at the Swamp that will catapult the Rebels to an (actual) SEC West Championship and, ultimately, produce the savior of Ole Miss football?

An Open Letter to Pete Boone

Dearest Mr. Boone,

I'm graduating. In 9 days I'll get a (useless) degree and begin my way along my slippery-slope laden journey to delusional and drunken old-manhood. I, just as thousands before me, will wear sweatervests, lurk the Spirit boards, and babble to all the younguns about how great the glory days of my undergrad years were.

Err.... Ok, maybe not that last part there.

Y'see Pete, it's kinda-sorta always been my dream to become the grouchy old man who, despite your most desperate pleas, won't give you you God-damned frisbee back ("I told you kids to keep away from my Azaleas!") and you've robbed me of a precious cornerstone of this dream.

Instead of grudgingly making younger kids listen to my stories about "Mannings" and "Sugar Bowls" I'll have to tell them tings like "Uh, well, Micheal Spurlock broke his hand that one time" and "I didn't even realize Wyoming had a football team." A crucial part of my future was supposed to rely heavily on my ability to remind everyone that Ole Miss was better when I was young and now they're all going to know that I'm full of shit.

When I was a senior in high school, I would make the drive up to Oxford every other Saturday in the fall and see things like this, this, and this. I was enamored. I was a loyal disciple in the Church of Manning, taking my Kool-aid Kommunion every holy Saturday.

Unfortunately, over my four undergraduate years, I never saw anything quite like that.

Ok, I'll give it to you, without a Manning, that is to be understood. However, shit like this, this, and this.... isn't. Over the last four years I have seen 14 football wins. That is only 3.5 wins a year and no, I'm going to round that one up. I have seen us lose to Memphis, Vandy (twice), State (twice), Kentucky, and Wyoming (twice). The closest thing to a blowout victory I saw was a 24-0 "trouncing" of LaTech and part of me wants to call that win a fluke. Pete, if all of this has yet to get the point accross, let me give you a brief rundown of what I saw over the last 4 years.

YEAR 1
Ahh, sweet naïveté. Eli was gone but that's ok; I was an optimist! I read (and subsequently learned not to trust) the Clarion Ledger and thought that Micheal Spurlock was just David Cutcliffe re-stocking the cupboard. All was well for an Ole Miss freshman. That is, until we lost to Memphis at home. From then on out it was a disaster losing to Wyoming and just barely squeaking by Vanderbilt in overtime.
You fired Cutcliffe and I was mildly critical at first. However, once I realized that his backup plan for Eli Manning was this asshole it became clear to me that, despite being a good QB producer, Cutcliffe just wasn't head coach material. So, who did you hire? A supposed recruiting guru from a big time program. Boy I was excited. "That was the piece missing from Cutcliffe: recruiting!" I shouted. The Coach O era was, in many of our minds, going to mark a period of new, unprecedented growth in the program. Year 2 was most certainly going to be MUCH more exciting than year 1!

YEAR 2

Vroom vroom, motherfucker!

YEAR 3
So the Coach O era was off to a slow start but we weren't worried. Afterall, you've gotta give a guy some time with which to work right? O showed that he was, in fact, the Recruitzilla by pulling in a nationally ranked recruiting class but also demonstrated that he wasn't quite the GetPlayersToQualifyzilla that we may have hoped for. Powe wasn't going to show up (again) and Schaeffer, the next Michael Vick according to Spirit board posters, wasn't so much on campus for the first few practices. We beat Memphis (yippee!) and State (hoorah!) but that's the only cause for celebration we got. The Grove was miserable that year and attendance began to sink significantly. Mumblings and grumblings around Oxford wanted to get rid of O until he pulled Jevan Snead away from Texas. The recruiting guru and his hypnotic use of yellow ".gif" stars had saved his ass and we were in for another year in the O Zone.

YEAR 4
Schaeffer lost the starting job before the Memphis game. Yep, that's right, the 5 star wunderkind turned out to be a stoner thug. We played the most absolutely disgusting football imaginable for a great majority of the season until the Egg Bowl. Horrid football meant that the only way our season could be salvaged would have been an Egg Bowl victory (and a likely cause to deny State a bowl bid). For the first three quarters we were keeping the game well within hand. "Hell yeah," we shouted. "Orgeron is coming around and really coaching this team to victory!"
Fifteen minutes later, the Bullpups walked into the locker room victors. The cowbells were ringing and the maroon banners were waving as State had secured itself its first bowl bid in a geological era.
The next morning, my hangover was interrupted with a text message: "THEY FIRED O!"
"Fuck," I thought. They obviously didn't have a plan when they fired Cutcliffe, so I naturally thought there was not going to be a plan this go around. I figured we would get some "tenet-of-college-football-GURU" once again and be just as awful as before.
Well Pete, you proved me wrong. You went out and hired the most legitimate SEC coach we've had since Tommy Tuberville. Houston Nutt, while a bit harebrained, isn't nearly the comic book character O was. Even despite his random bouts with the crazies, the sonofabitch beat a #1 ranked LSU team IN BATON ROUGE!
Yes, prospects do look good for the future of Ole Miss football and all of it comes just in time for me to graduate and leave Oxford...

So, in conclusion, Thank's Pete. As the Athletic Director it is your responsibility to maintain (err, establish?) a high level of entertaining athletics for all Ole Miss students, alumni, and fans to enjoy. While not necessarily "competitive," I cannot deny that all of the embarrassment and ridicule one feels and receives as an Ole Miss fan has reached an entertaining level. Yeah, I was upset and downright angry for awhile, but now it's almost like you've maintained a very well put together running gag. My four undergraduate years at Ole Miss are likely to be recognized as some of the worst four years in the program's history and for that I am forever grateful.

Yours sincerely,
The Ghost of Jay Cutler

P.S. - I'll see you in Hell.

The Powe-Tron

As a part of our media rights contract with TeleSouth we will soon be getting a brand new jumbotron for Vaught Hemingway Stadium. While the prospect of a new, cutting edge screen is thrilling, let us not forget that the man behind all of this is Pete Boone. Yeah, according to the Clarion Ledger, the thing is going to cover about 4000 square feet and cost anywhere from $5 to 7 million but I'm not yet convinced. Remember, we are Ole Miss and we are embarrassingly excellent at cutting corners.

Take this quote for instance: "the actual screen is 84 feet wide by 48 feet tall and it's supposed to be HD quality."

Did anybody else catch that? Supposed to be "HD quality?" So not only is it not HD, and not only does it not necessarily have HD quality, it is simply "supposed" to have HD quality? But wait, there's more! You see, the aforementioned price range of roughly 5-7 million bucks is, of course, determined by the varying bids put forth by big-ass-screen companies and construction companies. Knowing their track record, what makes you think that Pete Boone and the rest of the athletic department will pick the greatest and the grandest screen available? The ever-churning rumor mill even has it that he has, in fact, taken the lowest possible bid.

When many people/Spirit board posters heard about a new jumbotron they had something like this in mind. However, we at the cup know better. We know that whatever grandiose visions we have about this new jumbotron the future in general are false. Therefore we have come up with our own versions of what will actually be built above our north end zone bleachers.

This is the stadium as it looks today. The current screen is on the right hand side juuuuust above the bleachers there... do you see it? No?! Look closer. No this isn't one of those God damned "magic eyes!" Shit, ok, well.... Just bear with me, it's there (click the picture for biggification if need be).

The first potential jumbotron is big as fuck, just as promised, yet is only of "supposed HD quality."

Yes, those are individually placed plastic pegs.

The design of the next screen relies on the assumption that we will dry up a well of expenses with the creation of our new screen. Well, we've gotta get that money back somehow and I submit that there would be no better way than shameless advertising space!

"For some reason, I really want some Taco Bell..."

Of course, we at Ole Miss like to march to the beat of our own drum and could think waaaaay outside of the box with this one. We could move back into our holy-rolling evangelical roots with this one and deliver messages from Reverent Nutt via jumbotron.

And thou shalt not drink beer in the Grove!

Of course, we've got to name this thing. You can't build such a monumental fuck-up without actually giving it a keen, punchline-worthy name. At Texas they have the "Godzillatron" (not a fuck-up, for the record) so why not name ours the "God-damn-it-tron?" Is there another name that can better demonstrate the frustration of the Ole Miss fan?

No? You don't like it? Too vulgar for the kids? Well, ok. Let's see, ooh, the "Mothratron!"

No? Yeah, I agree, Mothra was pathetic.

I've got it! Let's give it a name which embodies something which is large, stupid, not really on campus, frustrating, and an unaware butt of countless jokes. The POWE-TRON! Yes, fans, when the inevitably embarrassing monstrosity that is the new jumbotron is completed you'll look up at it and think, "yeah.... Powe-tron."

...Ole Miss (part 2 of Tuesday's "We Are...")

After pouting about last night's post for a little while, I was struck with the urge to get dranked out of my cotton-pickin' mind. So I did. And I didn't sleep much. As I finally settled into bed, though, I thought about the events that I would use to finish this article. I admit it, I wrote the first half without thinking it all the way through. Anyways, it astounded me that not only did these final five events come to my head with such immediacy, but that they all happened in the same year. Jesus. Before I continue though, serious thanks go out to the guys at NAFOOM for plugging our blog on the board today. You can't buy (nor could we afford) that kind of advertising. So without further ado...

5. Baseball team is ranked #4 preseason, only to drop games against such impressive opponents as Central Arkansas, Western Kentucky, and Southern Miss, while losing series against TCU, Florida, Alabama, and South Carolina. While maybe not the disaster it once seemed (the Diamond Rebs have since climbed back to #21), complaining about being ranked below Arizona State now seems a little silly. Defense, hitting, and pitching have all been suspect for the Rebels, which would seem strange, excepting for the fact that Mike Bianco claimed that this was his most talented squad ever, thus bringing upon them the ire of the sports gods. Though the team has stumbled their way back into contention for a regional host site, the fan experience has become less about the game and more about pounding back beers until compelled to piss on the tennis courts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Speaking of lofty expectations...

4. Basketball team ranked #15 midseason, only to fall to LSU, Auburn (twice!!!), South Carolina, etc., etc. Basketball season was a long, unusual, and unsatisfying cock tease this year... David Huertas, billed as a sensational shooter, and heir apparent to... uh (quick, who was the last great Ole Miss basketball player? Anyone?), no one, I guess, ended up a major disappointment for all but about five games, leaving the weight on the shoulders of a man who makes Todd Abernathy look like the Incredible Hulk. Coming off another season in football hell, and off to a 14-0 start, it seemed safe to assume good things about the Rebs' postseason chances. We all know how that turned out. Anyways, like most good Ole Miss failures, apologists abound, using excuses that justify such collapses. We weren't supposed to be good anyway. The boys tried hard. Wait till next year.

3. 4th & 1: Surely Sylvester Croom crafted his Egg Bowl victory celebration for maximum irony and Ole Miss fan annoyance. After a banner year of player misconduct, even for State, Croom fakes his way to a win and the first thing he can choke out is: "They have so much character..." Sly's tears subsided long enough for him to stumble around Scott Field waving a giant MSU flag in a state of elation totally becoming of someone who, like Croom, makes 6 or 7 figures and can NEVER. BE. FIRED. All this ballyhoo is of course caused by an agonizingly inevitable chain of mental failures by one Ed 'the Orgeron' Orgeron. After building a sizable lead by playing aggressive defense and creative, misdirection offense, O decides to run up the middle out of the I formation and to start coaching his defense with all the subterfuge of Art Kaufman and the tenacity of Chuck Driesbach. This prompted, of course, a series of punts, one of which was a low rocket that landed gently in the hands of one Derek Pegues, who waltzed in largely untouched to tie the game. Oops. The decision to try for the 1st on 4th and 1 was largely inconsequential. Yes, it was probably too risky. But regardless of punt, turnover on downs, or first down Ole Miss, the outcome would likely have been the same for the Rebels, who proved through all 12 games that poor decision making and shit luck do not make a good pair.

2. Daytime Fireworks: Fireworks, according to Wikipedia, "were originally invented by the Chinese, for entertainment purposes, as a natural extension of the Chinese invention of gunpowder." Browsing further down the article, I noticed, among several breathtaking pictures of fireworks shows, one hell of a coincidence: it was night time in ALL of the pictures! Every last one! Looking further into this quandary, I found that most fireworks considered appropriate for midday use included small consumer devices such as smoke bombs, bottle rockets, and black cats, which rely more on sound that light effects. I also read (and I recommend that wikipedia check their sources on this one) that fireworks can be DANGEROUS, and should be used with a certain degree of advanced planning and caution! How wacky! Anyways, point is, I can't describe the upwelling of emotion and pride in my alma mater that I felt when I beheld the wonderful display of black smoke and artillery fire that arose from some unspecified place right outside Vaught Hemingway stadium, alarming the senile and boring everyone else. What an appropriate way to celebrate a long overdue fundraising effort with a poor marketing campaign during a noonday skulldragging at the hands of our beloved Razorback brethren! You also have to love the symbolism behind nearly blowing up the jumbotron and sound system, at the possible peril of unwilling bystanders. A real classy touch. After all, its the REDBLUE in you!!! I'm starting to see how getting my marketing degree from Ole Miss is about as ironic as getting a degree in dental medicine from West Virginia.

1a. Doyle Jackson and 'the catch:' where does one even start? This one has all the trappings: A loss to Alabama, corrupt officials, conspiracy within the SEC office, angry drunken students, a country song, and a single red slipper, and the single greatest screw job in sports for 2007. Without recapping all the gory details, we got hosed, and the entire SEC knows it. Fuck you, Doyle, burn in hell.

1b. Changing the culture of alcohol: although the Bama game was certainly the most agonizing Ole Miss event of 2007/8, C.T.C.O.A. has to be the most fitting. Caught in a perpetual struggle betwixt GOB's and progressives, with a healthy dose of idiots in between, something Ole Miss folks could generally always agree on was that we like to get shithoused, together, in nice clothing. In reaction to complaints by alumni about drunk students getting in the way of their children's razor scooter races through the Grove on Saturdays, it became increasingly clear to the Chancellor that even this point of agreement was in jeopardy, and a very convoluted plan was in order. The plan, one of the many provisions of which allows liquor but not beer in the Grove, could not be aimed more squarely at allowing alumni to drink unimpeded unless the only permitted beverages were top-shelf scotch and Cristal mimosas. Past the liquor/beer rule, shit gets really weird. A guidebook of How to Permissibly Drink Underage at Ole Miss ought to be handed out at orientation. I don't have a damn clue how it works... Thus, having confused the shit out of everyone and rid campus of the greatest threat known to humanity, RK was left at peace to continue knocking down the houses of Asian families to build a new law school that we don't really need.

That's a wrap, folks, enjoy your weekend, except on Sundays, and without any open containers, or beer on the Northeast side of campus, and with a lock on your coolers...

PICTOGRAMS!

First person to solve the picture puzzle gets a prize!

minus "ter"

THE

Mississippi State's Offense: As Potent as Ginger Ale

Coach CroomS and his band of Bulldogs concluded spring practice this weekend with the annual Maroon and White game and, per SI, Mississippi State is slated to have a terribly anemic offense for the second season running.

"I'm not judging anything based on today," CroomS said after the game. Unfortunately for him, everyone else doesn't work that way and the writing is all over the wall: your offense sucks, again.

Robert Elliot, heir apparent to the impossible-to-fill-throne left vacant by Jerious Norwood two seasons ago and "rocker of the two" only rushed for a pathetic 15 yards, the highest rushing total of any back State put out there. Furthermore, the Maroon (1st team) offense committed four turnovers and no kicker successfully attempted a field goal. The scrimage ended at 0-0 and had to go into an overtime to determine a "winner."

Of course we could sit here and talk about the virtues of a good, playmaking defense and fill our heads with delusions like "defense wins championships" but let's not kid ourselves, an offense like this must be agonizing for a fanbase.

The seeming offensive MVP of the spring game was White team quarterback Tyson Lee who was 12 of 21 for 127 yards with an interception.... during a fake game. And yes, the puppies are drooling over this. The astute "leeinator" of Gene's Page even compared Lee to Mizzou's Heisman contending Chase Daniel saying that he seemed "not real tall, but pretty darn quick, strong arm, reasonably accurate. Just seemed to make a play when there wasn't much there. Looked as good as anything I've seen on our team within the last year."

And speaking of last year, many of us (Alabama?) will recall how State's defense provides for narrow, bullshit-laden victories and must-changethechannel-TV. Yes, State did go to a bowl game and yes, they won. But keep in mind that the best team the CUSA could muster up had a defense powerful enough to keep State out of the endzone until the 4th quarter.





How in Hell did Kentucky, Alabama, Auburn and (yes) we Rebels lose to that? If the spring game is an indicator of anything (when realistically it isn't, but let's just pretend), I'm guessing Starkville will be even more depressing this upcoming fall.

Mississippi State offense, you've been CROOMZXOR3D!!!1~