Introducing the All-Perrilloux Team!

To pass time over the Summer, The Cup will be documenting the inevitable slip-ups and mishaps of our conference's football stars. This shouldn't be too tough because, as we all know, the SEC is rife with interesting, daring souls. After pondering as to how one should document the, umm, accomplishments of our student-athletes, I decided that an exciting SEC offseason should be able to fill a starting lineup consisting entirely of criminals.

Thus, the All-Perriloux Team was born. In a way, this will be like EDSBS' Fulmer Cup except for being conference specific and devoid of any "competition."

Why the "All-Perriloux" team?

Did you seriously just ask that? Eesh, well, alright... As a highly-recruited offensive starter for one of the conference's strongest programs, Ryan Perrilloux had everything one could look for in a Southeastern Conference ruffian. When considering his problems with weed, counterfeiting money, weed, screaming at people in strip clubs, weed, fighting people to defend the honor of his pregnant girlfriend, weed, skipping team meetings, weed, and parking violations, it becomes apparent that no other person could lend their name to such a prestigious organization.

To be a part of this team, a player must meet two simple criteria:

• Be on an SEC team
• Get caught doing something illegal (no prosecution necessary!) ED: during the 2009 offseason

Innocent until proven guilty? Who came up with that bullshit!? Anyway, below the pretty poor totally badass MSPaint drawing you'll see the foundation upon which this all-netherworldly team will be built. Presenting:


OFFENSE
QB - Arkansas' Ryan Mallett for gettin' dranked in public
HB -
WR -
WR -
WR -
OL - Florida's Carl Johnson for stalking and raping
OL -
OL -
OL -
OL -
TE -

DEFENSE
DT -
DT -
DE -
DE -
LB -
LB -
LB -
CB - Mississippi State's Maurice Langston for slangin' herb
CB -
S -
S -

SPECIAL TEAMS
K -
P -


If you've got any submissions to the team, send them in.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - LSU

Oh LSU. You're such an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a deep fried shell of cornmeal. You're a school which I respect greatly for your BCS titles, traditions, and location (an hour away from NOLA, that's legit). You're also a school which I despise for your horrendous sidewalk fans, homage to filthy bayou lifestyles, and stench. To single out the absolute best and worst about you was pretty damned difficult but I gave it my best shot.

Best Tradition: "The Golden Band from Tigerland." I know that, as a Rebel, you hate these bastards deep down inside, but you cannot honestly tell me you have heard or seen a louder, prouder marching band. They're big, they're deafening, and they do an amazing job of firing up the fans in Death Valley. I know Ohio State would beg to differ (they try that whole "begging to differ" shit a lot, huh?) but the LSU marching band is absolutely peerless.
Honorable Mention: Mike the Tiger. LSU is the only school that does the whole "Tigers" thing right (you hear that, Memphis, Auburn, Mizzou, etc?) and Mike is definitely one of the best live mascots out there. He's in the same league as Uga, Ralphie, and Bevo.


Worst Tradition: Cajun last names. I was almost inclined to say "Cajun people," but who knows what kind of anti-defamatory lawsuit we'd get slapped with after that one. It's a good thing I took a couple of years of French in high school becuase if I were just to read names like "Perriloux," "Stefoin," "Doucet," or "Francois" out of the context of LSU, I'd be lost.

Pear-ih-lowx?

The Cajun names also serve greatly to remind everyone that LSU's fanbase is made up primarily of the most obnoxious people outside of the Jersey shore: Louisianans. Seriously, I'm certain that I've run into a few extras from The Waterboy a time or two down there. I honestly love New Orleans, but I wouldn't mind if it's surrounding counties parrishes drifted off into the Gulf of Mexico.

NCAA 09: A Preview of sorts

I recently downloaded the demo for NCAA 09 from XBox Live and, after perusing the game, I'm certain this version of NCAA is going to be one of the best yet. Many of the biggest problems with the 08 version, namely the slower frame rate and inexplicable pauses, seem to have been solved and a ton a new features have been added. These features include an "Online Dynasty" mode and the ability to add custom stadium sounds. Yep, that means Hotty Toddy can be a part of your gaming experience so long as you upload some sort of sound file into the game.

The demo only allows you to play with LSU (Ryan Perrillouxzzr is still on the game) or Ohio State so I wasn't able to gauge how good the virtual Ole Miss Rebels are. However, some screenshots of the roster from who-knows-where should help. In addition, this screenshot should give you an idea as to how the Rebels and the southwest corner of Vaught-Hemingway Stadium will appear.

Being as how I only casually played the demo version, I can't give much more than the aforementioned as a part of my "review," so I'll just leave that up to the professionals. This video should also give you an idea as to how improved this version of NCAA will be.

Also, as many of you know, Darren McFadden, everyone's favorite getter of "dat woooooood," is the cover athlete for the XBox 360 version of the game.
While I most certainly think Darren McFadden is a great choice for the NCAA 09 cover athlete, it would be interesting to see what the cover would look like with an Ole Miss Rebel. Say, I dunno, Jevan Snead maybe.Yeah, like that. I awoke to this gem sitting in my inbox yet no credit was given to the cover's designer. Whoever you are, I'd like to buy you a drink. Seriously. While not legit, it looks pretty damn close and obviously took some time to make.

And while we're on the topic of alternate covers to NCAA 09, Gump for Heisman put together an excellent bunch of alternate covers featuring Alabama, LSU, Ohio State, and others. My personal favorite is:

Yeah, I'm pumped about the 15th. Since I've got nothing better to do, I may end up being one of those hapless souls waiting around WalMart at midnight just to get my hands on a copy.

Corralling the West: Bad Boys, Bad Boys

This has been an incredibly active off season in the jail cells of the SEC West. Baton Rouge just purged the Perrillouxxr, Mississippi State players carried guns on campus, Ole Miss athletes got their swerve on, Alabama has taken the lead of the Fulmer Cup standings and, just recently, Arkansas has added this bit of humor:

Arkansas linebacker Wendel Davis may be facing felony charges after smashing up a car. Davis apparently got mad enough to smash his fist through a car window after, I'm not kidding here, the aforementioned car bumped into his scooter (I hope his scooter had a badass flame job, to boot). I find this amusing because of the mental image the story conjures up: a large, athletic male dressed in Arkansas Razorbacks sweats going apeshit because his scooter got a ding in it. It's a scene you'd expect from a smaller, greasier male in Athens or Naples, but Fayetteville? Seriously? Anyway, this adds to an already exciting, crime filled summer break.

EDIT: I wonder where this kid's first SEC scholarship offer is coming from.

Where Do We Stack Up? Quarterbacks

Again, summertime isn't the best time for a Southern sportswriter (can we call ourselves that now? I just did, I guess); anything football related seems a little rushed. However, having almost conquered GTA IV, there won't be much left other than premature football predictions to help me avoid schoolwork and/or my job. That being said, I'd like to continue our line of preseason stack-ups with quarterbacks and hopefully provide you, the readers, with an idea of what to expect come August.

1. Ryan Perrilloux, Jacksonville State University: What's that you say? JSU isn't a member of the SEC West? Well hot damn, I guess Perrilloux should've thought about that before becoming the biggest fuckup in college football in the last 20 years.

2. John Parker Wilson, Alabama: Obviously, you hate to make this pick. JPW is a bitch, pure and simple. Look at the link: this image is likely similar to the one ingrained in JPW's retinas as we speak. He might not sleep at night because of Greg Hardy. However, in what may very well be a 4-way tie for the best QB in the West, his experience can't be ignored.

3. Jevan Snead, Ole Miss: Damn, what a goofy-ass picture. I am a little less confident in Jevan for having laid eyes on it. In picking Jevan as the 2nd best QB in the West, I'm hedging my bets that we might actually win a few football games this year. Think about it though: how many more games would we have won over the past four years with only average QB play? Jevan can almost certainly keep his completion percentage at over 55, and keep the TD/INT ratio at greater than 1. I'd like to think that he could be much better than that, but those numbers still might make him 2nd in the West. Just one request, Jevan: please, please grow an awesome-ass, small town Texas mullet. We at the RSC would be appreciative, and you'll get laid like carpet anyways.

4. Kodi Burns, Auburn: During the 2007 season, Burns enjoyed a surprising emergence as an offensive dual-threat for the Tigers, while aparently sporting a pretty wicked tan that has since worn off... Anyways, Burns has a lot left to prove as a passer in AU's revamped spread offense, but he has the potential to move drastically up or down this list.

5. Casey Dick, Arkansas: Please, sports gods, please. Don't let Casey Dick/Arkansas be decent next year. It just isn't right. One has to be a bit wary of Dick's hidden potential (that'swhatshesaid!!!!@) after a lights-out performance in Arkansas' spring game. Dick might be most limited by whom he's throwing to.

6. Whoever starts for LSU: Again, fate has been on LSU's side for too long. This guy needs to be miserable. I wish we played LSU on opening day, when the new QB is at his greenest.

7. Wesley Carroll, MSU: MSU's offense can't even score on MSU's defense, as evidenced by the 0-0 snoozefest that was State's spring game. The Maroon-White game probably wasn't even the most interesting thing going on in Starkville that day... Chew on that. Carroll isn't awful, but he is a youthful gunslinger type with no major receiving weapons, a depleted line, or an offensive scheme that plays to his abilities.


So there it is: question marks all around for the quarterbacks of the SEC West. Although this group doesn't have a Tebow or a Stafford, top to bottom, this appears to be a pretty good set of signal callers. And maybe, just maybe, Ole Miss will feature the best of the bunch under center.

That's all for this installment of RSC Stack-ups. More to come later, unless something more interesting is going on.

My God, My God....

Why have you blessed LSU so much? (Matthew 27:46) Ok, well maybe not, but why LSU? There are few people with less class, trashiness, and no collection of people less deserving of joy than those coon asses down on the Bayou.


In order to keep you faithful RSC readers with something to waste your time reading, I ventured down to Hoover on Friday in hopes of seeing Ole Miss win something in a sport not dominated by Euro trash. It did not start off well when Cody Satterwhite came down with a "stomach virus" and gave up some earlier runs to Vanderbilit. By the way, stomach virus my ass, he was more than likely gettin' dranked somewhere the night before.


Things did not get any better when Rory McKean forgot how to to pitch and helped Vandy to a 5 run inning (A recurring theme of the weekend). We lost the game 7-3 or something like that, I do not remember nor care to look it up. That's the type of fine bloggerism you will find here on RSC.


Anyways, we ended up beating the 'Dores in game 2 after burning Bukvich and Bittle in the process, not something you want to do if you have aspirations of winning on Sunday. Following Bittle's shaky performance at the end of the game, and realizing he was done for the weekend I did not have high hopes going into Sunday. By the way, Bittle closed the game out for us Saturday but Brett freaking Basham was fucking phenomenal behind the plate in those two innings. If anyone else was trying to block those pitches at least two would have reached the back stop.


So, Sunday comes and Nathan Baker teased us for a few innings before surrendering three straight doubles. Enter Jake Morgan, whose arm had to be dead, and he gave up a couple more runs. Inning ends with 5 runs and for all intents and purposes we (the team) called it quits after that debacle of an inning, not that it mattered with the arms left in our bullpen.


Enough of the recapping, you all watched/listened to the game, even though those who listened to the game probably got a much different account from those who actually saw what was going on during it. Yes, that was a joke about how ridiculous David Kellum can be on air.


Back to my original point. Why did those fucking coonasses have to win this series? Brian Walker's Elbow already pointed out they got their retribution for Katrina with another national title in football, so why do we have to give them another one? Sure they played piss poor in basketball this year, but they beat us down in their shit hole, and hired a good coach to replace Cry Brady.


Here are a few more reasons LSU fans do not deserve, well, anything.


1. These fucking douches. I ran into these sacks of fuck in the Grove and proceeded to throw mini-corndogs at them. The Pride of LSU right here.






2. This fat ass.




3. These Heauxmeauxsexuals.





4. And for having a QB who was more thuggin than Marcus Vick.


I can only hope G.A.Y. is setting them up for a major letdown in the CWS. I almost want them to make the CWS and lose on a walk off grandslam, or maybe have that happen in the Super Regionals. Either way I think it is much better than a quick exit in regional play, let's all hope G.A.Y. gets their hopes up before going Sodom and Gomorrah on their ass.

Stories of Character: Ryan Perrilloux

As told by the 504 Boyz

As long as he could remember, back to his days reppin' ho's in East Texas Indian Casinos, Ryan Perrilloux had one dream - go to the University of Texas at Austin on a football scholarship, be the first four-time winner of the coveted Heisman Trophy, bolt after his Junior year, and make it rain.

But, Perrilloux, like so many small-time hustlers just trying to break out, had to modify his plans to match prevailing circumstances. Ryan Perrilloux had a way of seeing which doors were open the widest. He decided that he would attend LSU, but always a clever opportunist, Perrilloux initially committed to Texas, so that he could bang this hot Latin trick whose dad was a season ticket holder.

This would not be the last time that Ryan Perrilloux would use his mad deductive reasoning skillz to offer his magic loins to women of various ethnicities.

By the end of his true freshman year in Baton Rouge, Ryan had set the Southeastern Conference freshman tail-juggling mark. He had not seen any playing time, but he was getting more play than Jamarcus Russell, Matt Flynn, and Joseph Addai combined by pretending to be, depending upon the ethnicity of the young woman, Jamarcus Russell, Matt Flynn, and Joseph Addai.

Having de-skirted half the skirts in Red Stick, Perrilloux turned his sights to more intellectual and philanthropic objects. Once when he "accidentally" turned in a chocolate coin along with the rest of his chips after a rather pedestrian night at the Blackjack table, Perrilloux decided to study in a hands-on way American currency policy. He used his new-found fortune to fight domestic terrorists based in Baton Rouge.

But as they often do with patriotic young capitalists like Perrilloux, the liberal media attacked fiercely, accusing him of being a "distraction to the team" and "probably a felon." Shortly thereafter, LSU Head Coach Les Miles had to dismiss Perrilloux from the team, reportedly after the Hollywood liberal elite threatened to stop manufacturing Miles' absurdly large hats and crazy fake plays in their special effects departments.

Though, Perrilloux has yet to decide where he will continue his academic career, we can be sure that we have not heard the last of a hero like Ryan Perrilloux. The Southeastern Conference...a story of character!

Corralling the West: LSU, Arky (fixed), and State

The SEC truly is the conference which writes its own tabloid entries. That's why we're going to occasionally focus on what's going on around the conference to fill you, our faithful readers, in on the SEC scuttlebutt with a bit of boozed-up Ole Miss spin.

LSU: As you've surely heard, Perrilouxzzr is gone. Apparently missing class, skipping team meetings, avoiding coaches, screaming at strip club patrons, defending your pregnant baby momma's honor at a fine nighttime entertainment venue shithole club in Baton Rouge, using fake ID's to get onto casino floors, helping a buddy kick in an apartment door, conducting a lot of glaucoma research, and allegedly being involved in a counterfeiting scheme was the last straw for Les "el Sombrero" Miles. The former 5-star/Orgeronian wet dream will now be looking to utilize his football skills elsewhere and rumor has it that 1-AA Jacksonville St. is interested. I know it may initially seem foolish on the part of the baby-Gamecocks but they could easily clean Perrilouxzzr up if they're willing to do a little preparation ahead of time.
Take, for example, counterfeiting. The way I see it, the process of counterfeiting follows a very simple formula: X + Y = FrEe MoNeY!!!1~
Eliminate X or Y, and there you have it, problem solved (probably not).

ARKANSAS: Bobby Petrino is a douche. In a complete move of utter douche-dom, Petrino and ultra-douche QB Ryan Mallet (brush your God damned teeth) petitioned the NCAA to waive the 1 year of inactivity Mallet would have to endure as a transfer from another division 1-A school. The NCAA said no. What the fuck Petrino? Did you think you could just woo your way out of this one? While you're not too keen on sticking to your guns/word/blood-oaths, the NCAA is. Mallet, despite having a neato ultra-douchey website, will have to sit out like everybody else. Deal with it.

MSU: The saga of the Starkville-shootout ended yesterday with the sentencing of Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley. They both received suspensions or probations or some kind of slap-on-the-wrist nonsense typical of NCAA athlete trials and will probably end up seeing the field this fall. Oktibbeha County Circuit Court Judge Lee Howard said of his lenient sentencing, "I mean, yeah, they were firing off guns on a college campus, but it's not like they swiped pillows from a Holiday Inn or something." Coach CroomS, when reached for comment, fought through tears to say "They're such.... *sob* great young men.... such *sob* character.... MAROON!" He then grabbed the nearest flag he could find and immediately began to reaffirm everyone that he may be the most bizarre coach in a conference of bizarre coaches.

We lost to that?

Say it ain't so, Perrillouxzzr!

The AJC reports that the "greatest quarterback ever to sign with LSU" was just kicked off the team by head coach Les Miles due to not fulfilling his "obligation as an LSU student-athlete".

I'm sure that the classes he missed, tests he skipped, or whatever it is that wasn't scholarly about him is much worse than what he did the other 70 times he was "indefinitely" suspended for a 4 or 5 days.

When it comes down to it, Perrilloux is probably failing out of school, the only thing that could have kept him from starting as the Tiger quarterback next season. I have to hand it to LSU though. I seriously thought that their school was corrupt enough to give players good grades. It still may be, but they're willing to lose their starting quarterback.

Anyway, the good news for everyone else in the SEC is that Perriloux's departure leaves this guy as LSU's starting quarterback entering next season. Granted, Lee was highly regarded coming out of high school, but he's only a redshirt freshman. Can they really get a quality SEC quarterback out of that? I mean, I know that we couldn't... Of course, we're Ole Miss... and they're LSU. Their luck gets them things like this.

Ours gets us things like this.

Inevitably, a message board poster will start talking about how his aunt's brother-in-law's sister's hairdresser heard from a client whose dogsitter also dogsits for the Perriloux household that Ryan is planning to transfer to Ole Miss and compete with the illustrious second best quarterback ever to play at Ole Miss (who has never thrown a pass in a game). I've heard the same thing from my parakeet. It tells the future.

Here's to hoping that Jarrett Lee sucks and LSU goes 7-6... although that's absolutely impossible.

Les Miles: You Only Thought He Had Cajones.

This is ... this is just ... just too good to be true.

So, we all know how much Ryan Perrilloux totally blows. The answer: a lot. And, just in case you're too busy to click the links (which are absolutely incredible, by the way), here's, more or less, what happened: Perrillouxzzr was just trying to get dranked at a local brew-pubbery, when this guy, or someone like him, refused this modest request because "they were closed."

I just can't imagine this happening in Oxford. Here's the scenario: Jevan Sneed walks in to Parrish Baker's house at, I don't know, 3:47 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Would you expect Parrish to (a) call the cops, (b) have an intervention with the young man, or (c) tell Jevan that of course it's still Whiskey Wednesday and, by the way, this one is on the house!

I know what I'd do.

I mean, I hope El Sombrero isn't so gosh-darn embarrassed by Perrillouxzzr that he boots this guy right out of the State of Louisiana because a train-wreck like Ryan Perrilloux is certain to do more damage to this football team. This is, literally, the only pop culture reference I can think of that accurately reflects the recklessness of even letting this guy on a college campus, much less on the football team. And, of course, word is that The Mad Hatter has telephoned the owner of the establishment and the police offering his apologies.

Needless to say, there's two extra scoops of crazy in Baton Rouge right now.

EDIT: Apparently it's all just a clever rouse (Rouxzze?) and the restaurant is denying the aforementioned event ever occurred.
















"Err, yes.... that's the story.... nothing happened, nothing happened at all...."

Every day is April Fool's day for Perrillouxzzr!

Ryan Perrillouxzzr continues to think he's too cool for school and is yet to practice during LSU spring drills. Apparently, Les "El Sombrero" Miles set forth a set of guidelines for the Bayou Bengal quarterback which he must hurdle in order to be allowed back on the practice field.

He hasn't.

I know, I know, we're all shocked.

"What!?! Perrilouxzzr a rulebreaker?!?"

The Root of All Evil: Money or Ryan Perrillouxzzr?

HA HA! Trick question, Lewis Black, they are one in the same. And now Coach Les Miles has pulled another one out of his hat, unsuspending his star domestic abuser and chronic gambler quarterback. WBRZ Channel 2 News has it that Perriloux's suspension is over and the star junior might even return to the team before spring drills end on April 5, presumably so that he will not have this heavy burden weighing him down during finals.

“I just want to make sure he’s doing the work in the classroom and taking care of business," Miles said.

All signs indicate that Perrilloux is doing just that. He has NCAA Tourney Pools circulating in four of his five classes, "tricked out" his "boo" to his pathetic Psych 101 professor, and is currently managing over 200 CentSports profiles.

Jam.

When reached for comment, Senior Solo Cup SEC Analyst Jackie Sherril responded, "Is this really a smart way to run your football program?"