...Ole Miss (part 2 of Tuesday's "We Are...")

After pouting about last night's post for a little while, I was struck with the urge to get dranked out of my cotton-pickin' mind. So I did. And I didn't sleep much. As I finally settled into bed, though, I thought about the events that I would use to finish this article. I admit it, I wrote the first half without thinking it all the way through. Anyways, it astounded me that not only did these final five events come to my head with such immediacy, but that they all happened in the same year. Jesus. Before I continue though, serious thanks go out to the guys at NAFOOM for plugging our blog on the board today. You can't buy (nor could we afford) that kind of advertising. So without further ado...

5. Baseball team is ranked #4 preseason, only to drop games against such impressive opponents as Central Arkansas, Western Kentucky, and Southern Miss, while losing series against TCU, Florida, Alabama, and South Carolina. While maybe not the disaster it once seemed (the Diamond Rebs have since climbed back to #21), complaining about being ranked below Arizona State now seems a little silly. Defense, hitting, and pitching have all been suspect for the Rebels, which would seem strange, excepting for the fact that Mike Bianco claimed that this was his most talented squad ever, thus bringing upon them the ire of the sports gods. Though the team has stumbled their way back into contention for a regional host site, the fan experience has become less about the game and more about pounding back beers until compelled to piss on the tennis courts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Speaking of lofty expectations...

4. Basketball team ranked #15 midseason, only to fall to LSU, Auburn (twice!!!), South Carolina, etc., etc. Basketball season was a long, unusual, and unsatisfying cock tease this year... David Huertas, billed as a sensational shooter, and heir apparent to... uh (quick, who was the last great Ole Miss basketball player? Anyone?), no one, I guess, ended up a major disappointment for all but about five games, leaving the weight on the shoulders of a man who makes Todd Abernathy look like the Incredible Hulk. Coming off another season in football hell, and off to a 14-0 start, it seemed safe to assume good things about the Rebs' postseason chances. We all know how that turned out. Anyways, like most good Ole Miss failures, apologists abound, using excuses that justify such collapses. We weren't supposed to be good anyway. The boys tried hard. Wait till next year.

3. 4th & 1: Surely Sylvester Croom crafted his Egg Bowl victory celebration for maximum irony and Ole Miss fan annoyance. After a banner year of player misconduct, even for State, Croom fakes his way to a win and the first thing he can choke out is: "They have so much character..." Sly's tears subsided long enough for him to stumble around Scott Field waving a giant MSU flag in a state of elation totally becoming of someone who, like Croom, makes 6 or 7 figures and can NEVER. BE. FIRED. All this ballyhoo is of course caused by an agonizingly inevitable chain of mental failures by one Ed 'the Orgeron' Orgeron. After building a sizable lead by playing aggressive defense and creative, misdirection offense, O decides to run up the middle out of the I formation and to start coaching his defense with all the subterfuge of Art Kaufman and the tenacity of Chuck Driesbach. This prompted, of course, a series of punts, one of which was a low rocket that landed gently in the hands of one Derek Pegues, who waltzed in largely untouched to tie the game. Oops. The decision to try for the 1st on 4th and 1 was largely inconsequential. Yes, it was probably too risky. But regardless of punt, turnover on downs, or first down Ole Miss, the outcome would likely have been the same for the Rebels, who proved through all 12 games that poor decision making and shit luck do not make a good pair.

2. Daytime Fireworks: Fireworks, according to Wikipedia, "were originally invented by the Chinese, for entertainment purposes, as a natural extension of the Chinese invention of gunpowder." Browsing further down the article, I noticed, among several breathtaking pictures of fireworks shows, one hell of a coincidence: it was night time in ALL of the pictures! Every last one! Looking further into this quandary, I found that most fireworks considered appropriate for midday use included small consumer devices such as smoke bombs, bottle rockets, and black cats, which rely more on sound that light effects. I also read (and I recommend that wikipedia check their sources on this one) that fireworks can be DANGEROUS, and should be used with a certain degree of advanced planning and caution! How wacky! Anyways, point is, I can't describe the upwelling of emotion and pride in my alma mater that I felt when I beheld the wonderful display of black smoke and artillery fire that arose from some unspecified place right outside Vaught Hemingway stadium, alarming the senile and boring everyone else. What an appropriate way to celebrate a long overdue fundraising effort with a poor marketing campaign during a noonday skulldragging at the hands of our beloved Razorback brethren! You also have to love the symbolism behind nearly blowing up the jumbotron and sound system, at the possible peril of unwilling bystanders. A real classy touch. After all, its the REDBLUE in you!!! I'm starting to see how getting my marketing degree from Ole Miss is about as ironic as getting a degree in dental medicine from West Virginia.

1a. Doyle Jackson and 'the catch:' where does one even start? This one has all the trappings: A loss to Alabama, corrupt officials, conspiracy within the SEC office, angry drunken students, a country song, and a single red slipper, and the single greatest screw job in sports for 2007. Without recapping all the gory details, we got hosed, and the entire SEC knows it. Fuck you, Doyle, burn in hell.

1b. Changing the culture of alcohol: although the Bama game was certainly the most agonizing Ole Miss event of 2007/8, C.T.C.O.A. has to be the most fitting. Caught in a perpetual struggle betwixt GOB's and progressives, with a healthy dose of idiots in between, something Ole Miss folks could generally always agree on was that we like to get shithoused, together, in nice clothing. In reaction to complaints by alumni about drunk students getting in the way of their children's razor scooter races through the Grove on Saturdays, it became increasingly clear to the Chancellor that even this point of agreement was in jeopardy, and a very convoluted plan was in order. The plan, one of the many provisions of which allows liquor but not beer in the Grove, could not be aimed more squarely at allowing alumni to drink unimpeded unless the only permitted beverages were top-shelf scotch and Cristal mimosas. Past the liquor/beer rule, shit gets really weird. A guidebook of How to Permissibly Drink Underage at Ole Miss ought to be handed out at orientation. I don't have a damn clue how it works... Thus, having confused the shit out of everyone and rid campus of the greatest threat known to humanity, RK was left at peace to continue knocking down the houses of Asian families to build a new law school that we don't really need.

That's a wrap, folks, enjoy your weekend, except on Sundays, and without any open containers, or beer on the Northeast side of campus, and with a lock on your coolers...

We are...

Spring is in the air! The girls have traded in Uggs for Rainbows, Spirit posters are arguing about mascots and establishing all-girl cheer squads, baseball team is underachieving way ahead of schedule, and vast hordes of unwashed hippies lie waiting in the hills of Lafayette county to descend upon Double Decker... So now is as good a time as any to look back and reflect on the ten events that most aptly defined the University this year.

10. On the way out the door, Hugh Freeze, Brent Schaeffer, and the spread option leave Ole Miss fans bitterly aware of the fact that Ed Orgeron delegates and manages talent as well as Helen Keller could snow ski. Freeze draws comparisons to Vince Lombardi, Stephen Hawking, and Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, before being snubbed by HDN and returning to the high school ranks.

9. The quest for a receiver for Ole Miss fans to erroneously compare to Randy Moss continues... A.J. Jackson, 6-6 receiver from College of Sequoias (with an offer from USC) elects to pursue a career in cannabis consumption rather than endure the potential stress of a stint in the National Football League. A few months later, Deandre Brown, a top 10 national prospect from Ocean Springs, standing 6-6 and drawing comparisons to Calvin Johnson, spurns the advances of LSU and Ole Miss (after being rumored as a lock for each school at different times) chooses to further his academic pursuits at the University of Southern Mississippi. HDN counters by signing a 6-7 fellow from Georgia named Melvin who, despite an Auburn offer and favorable comparisons to Marcus Monk, probably has to avoid walking around in a stiff breeze for fear of breaking in half.

8. At the end of a thrilling back and forth match between a highly ranked Tennessee basketball squad, Dwayne Curtis, an 80% free throw shooter, gets the ball under the basket with a chance to put the game away. Much like determining the world record for the fastest banjo picker, the use of a slow motion camera is necessary to determine exactly how many times Curtis was fouled during his two attempts under the bucket. Suffice it to say, none of these roughly 83 fouls were called, but when Kenny Williams (a sub-par shooter) rebounds and puts up another shot, a (non-shooting) foul is whistled. Williams misses the front end of a 1-1, and the rest is history.

7. Ole Miss athletics continues its use of NERF (or Meridian-based NERF knockoff) weaponry in the SEC facilities arms race. Baseball expansions are scaled down and futzed-with, basketball teams are forced to practice with buckets on the floor while funding for the BPF flounders, and plans for painting all four sides of the football stadium the SAME DAMN COLOR are nonexistent.

6. Staring a likely blowout in the face, a spunky Rebel football team has the ball at the Georgia Bulldog's 1 yard line in Athens, about to go up 14-0 against a young and run-heavy SEC opponent. Senior center/foul generator Corey Actis has been benched, bringing in senior center Thomas Eckers, who, despite not being the most physical player, has generally been consistent and fundamentally sound. I can barely even finish this entry. Jesus. Eckers botches the snap, and earns the #6 spot on this list of microcosmic Ole Miss sports moments. Also, JUCO All-American loses a bet that forces him to buy One Man to Beat a catfish dinner.

I'll finished the list tomorrow. The memories are too fresh and vivid. My head hurts.

Red/Blue/Manning/Willis/Fireworks/ChangingtheCultureofAlcohol Preview!!!!@3

So if you're looking for a great weekend in Oxford this spring... this may not be it. Avett Brothers headline Double Decker, and will easily be the best act in DD history, as far as I'm concerned. Unlike the past few years though, the DD headliner probably couldn't start at quarterback and/or cornerback on the football team. So if you like, I dunno, sports and shit, maybe this weekend will be ok...

I have a beef with the Ole Miss PR 'machine' this weekend. By declaring Manning-Willis day this weekend, we slight two recent Ole Miss greats, Deuce 'Volkswagen' McAllister, and Derrick Burgess. Like Manning/Willis, they had great collegiate success on underachieving Ole Miss teams, and went on to do great things in the NFL, McAllister being an integral part of the best Saints team in history, and Burgess leading the NFL in sacks two years ago. Also, Deuce has already supplied the University with a significant monetary contribution, and with all of his dealerships, he looks to do the same in the future, as well as send his kids here to pledge Phi Delta Theta.

So anyway, here are two lists of observations/predictions to look out for this weekend, one of which is likely to happen, one of which, if it happens, don't say I didn't call it...

Real predictions:

1. Greg Hardy does something ridiculous. Whether he kills Billy Tapp in cold blood or chases down Mike Wallace on a deep route after shaking off a Michael Oher Block and getting chop blocked by Corey Actis and Chaz Ramsey, expect Greg to do something to assert himself as the most dominant class skipper on campus.
2. Dustin Mouzon turns in a solid performance, solidifying his top spot at CB, leaving Vaughn and Green to battle it out for the other spot. My vote goes to Green, based on his having been taught to, I dunno, catch the ball sometimes.
3. Tony Fein makes a good push as the starter at Mike 'backer. I think Cornell or perhaps Trahan get the eventual nod here, but Fein is instinctive, and will likely do well against our offense. Spread and/or spread option offenses will kill him, but he'll at least be in the conversation until we come across one for realstown. Staff sources indicate that despite his speed limitations, Fein's wicked awesome tattoo could start at outside 'backer in a pinch.
4. Allen Walker/Jamarca Sanford/an errant observer might hit Dex so hard he dematerializes. I'm really excited about him being so involved in the offense. But please, Coach, don't put him in until SEC play.
5. Jevan Snead will NOT throw an interception to Mike Dzura, as he did last spring. Mainly because Dzura got, like, hardcore busy with frat stuff and isn't on the team anymore. Seriously, though, if Snead throws picks, it'll only be to legit DB's, ya'll. I am worried about his Brett Favre tendencies, but hopefully he learns to trust his offense enough to help him score without throwing up garbage.
6. Offensive line gets beat up, gets called various effeminate names by Markuson. I think they'll be fine, especially when John Jerry gets rid of whatever unsavory medical condition currently ails him. However, Peria + Hardy + Tillman + Laurent + Stevens + Lockett = a disconcerting amount of sacks for an offensive line coach. This will also cause folks to be underwhelmed with Cordera Eason, but again, I'll give him a pass for now.
7. Assuming that teams are divided into first team O/second team D vs. second team O/first team D, I'm picking the first team O, since the defensive line backups will dominate their offensive counterparts, and the deep receiving corps on the second team won't have many good passes come their way. 17-7, first team O, decided in regulation...

Fake predictions (but don't blame me if they happen):

1. Tracy Rocker and Jerrell Powe get bored on the sidelines and ingest Dexter McCluster. Though not as high in protein, Nutt will appeal to Powe to snack on private school kickers in the future.
2. Rory Johnson, Mico McSwain, and Jamal Harvey drop by to watch their former teammates, but are quickly evacuated as the APR reactor reaches critical mass.
3. Andy Kennedy and Mike Bianco make a special guest appearance to speak to the team about reaching their potential... various NAFOOM posters suffer irony-related aneurysms.
4. Houston Nutt will express his continued optimism towards the team saying that, although he is excited about the progress of the team as a whole, "we're really just waiting on Hunter Miller."
5. Make your own... It is damn near 2:30 A.M., and I'm almost sober.

Call the tabloids! Powe can write!

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

That's right. Photographic evidence that Jerrell Powe can indeed write. Take THAT NCAA compliance offices!