Go to Hell, Wake

And take your shitty, motorcycle ridin' mascot with you.

Vroom vroom, motherfucker!

Have fun winning your horrible conference. Damn, this one hurt big time. If we don't turn over the ball and if Wake doesn't shove blockers into punt returners (how in the fucking hell is that bullshit legal?) we beat them by 14. Easy.

Samford, you're on notice. Rebels, enjoy the rest of your weekends, if you can.

We stalk you through the intrawebs

If you'll look at the bottom of our right-hand side menu you'll see that we've installed a small hit counter. For every IP address that views our page in a certain time period it registers one hit and adds it to the total visitor count (12,500 as of this morning). Furthermore it enables us to, in shockingly incredible depth, view all sorts of information about our visitors. For example, we can see which posts are the most popular, which websites have been linking to us, and what operating systems our visitors are using among many, many other things.

The best feature of all of this, in my opinion, is the ability to see what Google search terms were used to locate our site. While a few dozen "red[REDACTED]cup" and "red [REDACTED] cup blog" searches a day (just bookmark our site, seriously) constitute the majority of these search terms, we'll get a few really bizarre searches every now and then.

For example:

• [REDACTED] Cup Related searches- Understandably, we get a lot of searches which are related more to plastic drinking containers than to Ole Miss sports. Many of these Googlers are curious as to the nature of the [REDACTED] cup ("how big are [REDACTED] cups" and "how wide is the top of a [REDACTED] cup") whereas others are curious as to the fortunes raked in by the barons of the picnic supplies industry ("[REDACTED] cup heir").
• "orange county choppers"- This Google search yields approximately 3.3 million results. After looking through the first few pages of the results of this search I've seen the official Orange County Choppers website (more than once), Wikipedia articles, YouTube videos, and a myriad of other things which shine favorable light on these douche rockets. How many pages this user had to sift through to stumble upon our blog which only mockingly mentions these bikes in passing is beyond me. Furthermore, if those were his search terms, what was this person looking for? All of the information you could want on these motorcycles are on the first few pages of this search. This one simply baffles me.
  
• "[REDACTED] say it ain't so" - Initially, I was going to put this in the first listing. "How does this have anything to do with cups," I asked myself. To see the link between this search and our site, I plugged it into Google and realized that this inquisitor was not curious about plastic cups as I had previously assumed but, rather, he was looking for tablature related to Weezer's "Say it Ain't So." Honestly, I'm rather ashamed that I initially made such a false assumption. I've drunkenly played enough Rock Band to know this song back and forth...on plastic-button guitar, that is.
• "patrick willis virginia marijuana" - When I first saw this, I had a reaction similar to "what the fuck is P Willie doing in Virginia?" It turns out, a fella named Patrick from Willis, Virginia recently plead guilty to felony Marijuana possession charges. While I have nothing against even the stickiest of the icky, I don't see Patrick Willis as much of a weed smoker so this one threw me for quite a loop.
• "top tier sororities at ole miss" - Look's like someone's getting their pre-rush research done! Here's my advice: be a complete whore. Sure, you may not get into Chi Omega acting like that but the boys will fucking love you. That's for damn sure.
• " 'John Cohen' 'Ron Polk' baseball Jewish" - Believe it or not, we're on the first page of results garnered by this Google search. Fortunately, we're on there for making fun of the city of Miami as opposed to anti-Semitic rhetoric. Still, this search is incredibly interesting. Cohen is, believe it or not, the single most common Jewish surname which leads one to rationally conclude that John Cohen is either Jewish himself or of Jewish descent. Why is all of this important? Well, I'm certain you're all aware of Ron Polk's epic hatefest on the hire of John Cohen, but not a lot of us are certain as to the motives of coach Polk for doing so. Cohen is a former player of Polk's at Mississippi State and had a successful coaching career himself in the Southeastern Conference. How could Ron Polk object to that? The only conclusion I can come up with is that Ron Polk is incredibly anti-Semitic. There, you (may or may not have) heard it here first!
• "nathan stanley's mom" - We are literally the first page on the list with these search terms. Honestly, I'm surprised this isn't searched for more often by creepy Rivals.com subscribers and jealous high school classmates of Stanley. Pick it up creepsters, you're letting me down.

Wait a minute, you mean our new coach's name can be used in a lot of puns?!?! Well God damn, call the Inkspot this second!

I rarely slip into sudden fits of violent vomiting, but these new, incredibly embarrassing Houston Nutt related tees are just about to get me there.  You've seen these things on the backs of third-year-sophomore criminal justice majors and other generally foolish stewards of money a few times before.  They're sold at places like University Sporting Goods and Cat Daddy's and are sadly being gobbled up seemingly as fast as they can be printed.

Of course, we're all excited about the arrival of coach Houston Nutt and we want (and expect) him to do great things for us during his coaching tenure.  Yet, we don't need to show this excitement by dropping $25 on a shirt with a bunch of shit that really isn't that clever printed all over it.  I can just picture the designer of this atrocity to the right:

"Ok, let's see.  His last name is Nutt.  Hmmm...  I got it!  Let's do something clever about the excitement of the Rebel fanbase and say that they've all gone 'NUTTS!'  Christ, I'm clever.  Mark it down, motherfuckers."

What an asshole.  Whoever did this even put that stupid 1950's "Americana" looking guy on there, as if that's never been done before.  I'm never going to buy a shirt with that Shepard Smith looking son-of-a-bitch on it, ever.

But wait, there's more.  When I was Googlin' around looking for this design I found a few other gems.  Take for example this shirt.  How much more of this can we take?  "O: The Coach" was terrible.  Not only was "O" not much of a coach to begin with, but the whole concept was a ripoff of campaign stickers for our controversial asshole of a president.  Let's nip any sort of "Nutt: The Coach" talk in the bud before deals with Planters and Orange County Choppers (VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKERS) get drummed up.

Speaking of planters, the designers of this abomination should likely expect a lawsuit.  As always, you can click the image for biggification if need be but in this case I wouldn't so much recommend it.  While not nearly as racially offensive, this new "Colonel Nutt" is pretty damned disgusting.  It's an obvious ripoff of the Planters icon with a few Colonel Reb like features.  Not only is it a cheap knockoff but there are some elements of this design which are just, well, wierd.  Like his right hand.  What the fuck is he pinching at?  He's missed the brim of his hat and his monocle by a good inch-and-a-half each.  And why are his elbows making perfect right angles?  In addition, the makers of this shirt is peddling their wares through this website  which is almost as poorly designed as Colonel Nutt himself.

All of this is really very simple.  Essentially, all you've got to do is think up some puns or invoke a double entendre and plaster it on some cloth with an accompaniment of poorly designed graphics.  Here, I've made a new shirt just now:

No joke, send me $25 and I'll print you one of the exclusive "Nutty Math" shirts and have it delivered to your domicile in no time.  Just be sure to give me your name and a general description of your person so I can know to avoid you like the plague.

An Open Letter to Pete Boone

Dearest Mr. Boone,

I'm graduating. In 9 days I'll get a (useless) degree and begin my way along my slippery-slope laden journey to delusional and drunken old-manhood. I, just as thousands before me, will wear sweatervests, lurk the Spirit boards, and babble to all the younguns about how great the glory days of my undergrad years were.

Err.... Ok, maybe not that last part there.

Y'see Pete, it's kinda-sorta always been my dream to become the grouchy old man who, despite your most desperate pleas, won't give you you God-damned frisbee back ("I told you kids to keep away from my Azaleas!") and you've robbed me of a precious cornerstone of this dream.

Instead of grudgingly making younger kids listen to my stories about "Mannings" and "Sugar Bowls" I'll have to tell them tings like "Uh, well, Micheal Spurlock broke his hand that one time" and "I didn't even realize Wyoming had a football team." A crucial part of my future was supposed to rely heavily on my ability to remind everyone that Ole Miss was better when I was young and now they're all going to know that I'm full of shit.

When I was a senior in high school, I would make the drive up to Oxford every other Saturday in the fall and see things like this, this, and this. I was enamored. I was a loyal disciple in the Church of Manning, taking my Kool-aid Kommunion every holy Saturday.

Unfortunately, over my four undergraduate years, I never saw anything quite like that.

Ok, I'll give it to you, without a Manning, that is to be understood. However, shit like this, this, and this.... isn't. Over the last four years I have seen 14 football wins. That is only 3.5 wins a year and no, I'm going to round that one up. I have seen us lose to Memphis, Vandy (twice), State (twice), Kentucky, and Wyoming (twice). The closest thing to a blowout victory I saw was a 24-0 "trouncing" of LaTech and part of me wants to call that win a fluke. Pete, if all of this has yet to get the point accross, let me give you a brief rundown of what I saw over the last 4 years.

YEAR 1
Ahh, sweet naïveté. Eli was gone but that's ok; I was an optimist! I read (and subsequently learned not to trust) the Clarion Ledger and thought that Micheal Spurlock was just David Cutcliffe re-stocking the cupboard. All was well for an Ole Miss freshman. That is, until we lost to Memphis at home. From then on out it was a disaster losing to Wyoming and just barely squeaking by Vanderbilt in overtime.
You fired Cutcliffe and I was mildly critical at first. However, once I realized that his backup plan for Eli Manning was this asshole it became clear to me that, despite being a good QB producer, Cutcliffe just wasn't head coach material. So, who did you hire? A supposed recruiting guru from a big time program. Boy I was excited. "That was the piece missing from Cutcliffe: recruiting!" I shouted. The Coach O era was, in many of our minds, going to mark a period of new, unprecedented growth in the program. Year 2 was most certainly going to be MUCH more exciting than year 1!

YEAR 2

Vroom vroom, motherfucker!

YEAR 3
So the Coach O era was off to a slow start but we weren't worried. Afterall, you've gotta give a guy some time with which to work right? O showed that he was, in fact, the Recruitzilla by pulling in a nationally ranked recruiting class but also demonstrated that he wasn't quite the GetPlayersToQualifyzilla that we may have hoped for. Powe wasn't going to show up (again) and Schaeffer, the next Michael Vick according to Spirit board posters, wasn't so much on campus for the first few practices. We beat Memphis (yippee!) and State (hoorah!) but that's the only cause for celebration we got. The Grove was miserable that year and attendance began to sink significantly. Mumblings and grumblings around Oxford wanted to get rid of O until he pulled Jevan Snead away from Texas. The recruiting guru and his hypnotic use of yellow ".gif" stars had saved his ass and we were in for another year in the O Zone.

YEAR 4
Schaeffer lost the starting job before the Memphis game. Yep, that's right, the 5 star wunderkind turned out to be a stoner thug. We played the most absolutely disgusting football imaginable for a great majority of the season until the Egg Bowl. Horrid football meant that the only way our season could be salvaged would have been an Egg Bowl victory (and a likely cause to deny State a bowl bid). For the first three quarters we were keeping the game well within hand. "Hell yeah," we shouted. "Orgeron is coming around and really coaching this team to victory!"
Fifteen minutes later, the Bullpups walked into the locker room victors. The cowbells were ringing and the maroon banners were waving as State had secured itself its first bowl bid in a geological era.
The next morning, my hangover was interrupted with a text message: "THEY FIRED O!"
"Fuck," I thought. They obviously didn't have a plan when they fired Cutcliffe, so I naturally thought there was not going to be a plan this go around. I figured we would get some "tenet-of-college-football-GURU" once again and be just as awful as before.
Well Pete, you proved me wrong. You went out and hired the most legitimate SEC coach we've had since Tommy Tuberville. Houston Nutt, while a bit harebrained, isn't nearly the comic book character O was. Even despite his random bouts with the crazies, the sonofabitch beat a #1 ranked LSU team IN BATON ROUGE!
Yes, prospects do look good for the future of Ole Miss football and all of it comes just in time for me to graduate and leave Oxford...

So, in conclusion, Thank's Pete. As the Athletic Director it is your responsibility to maintain (err, establish?) a high level of entertaining athletics for all Ole Miss students, alumni, and fans to enjoy. While not necessarily "competitive," I cannot deny that all of the embarrassment and ridicule one feels and receives as an Ole Miss fan has reached an entertaining level. Yeah, I was upset and downright angry for awhile, but now it's almost like you've maintained a very well put together running gag. My four undergraduate years at Ole Miss are likely to be recognized as some of the worst four years in the program's history and for that I am forever grateful.

Yours sincerely,
The Ghost of Jay Cutler

P.S. - I'll see you in Hell.