With the annual man-boy love-fest of recruiting season finally having drawn to a close, some very interesting storylines emerged in the Southeastern Conference. As always there was the intra-conference bickering - pissfits between Houston Nutt and Nick Saban, between Mark Richt and Urban Meyer, and between Lane Kiffin and, well, everybody. The Right Reverend Nutt got so gall-giggity worked-up that he forgot he was recruiting for a football team and not a sorority, but he's still just ohmigodlikeyallsoexcited!!!1! And all eyes were on Starkville to see how the SEC's only freshman coach would fare on his first signing day. The biggest news, if not the most surprising news, is that which we at RSC really feel like we need to recognize. It is this:
Bobby Petrino dominated the state of Arkansas.
It's tough for a Rebel to admit this clear and unimpeachable evidence of Bobby Petrino's superiority over Houston Nutt, but facts are facts. And it's all right here in black and white: Petrino lassoed in every Arkansan target on the Razorbacks' big board. Every one.
"Oh, yeah, Bobby Petrino is clearly heads and shoulders above Houston. Bobby got every in-state prospect he wanted. Whereas, with Houston, I knew he would always ignore any quarterback who could throw and just sign 25 running backs on the team. One time Houston recruited an armless quarterback, no lie, that was like no where near our target list," Steve Roberts, head coach at Arkansas State, said.
"And, hey, losing on television like Bobby does is better than not being on TV at all."
Charlie Weatherbie, head coach at cross-border rival UL-Monroe, told The Cup that he "thought we had a real good shot at some of those Arkansas prospects, what with the way we really should've beat the hogs, but Petrino just has the lockdown on that state."
"I mean, seriously," Weatherbie continued, "can you think of any Arkansas prospects worth a s**t that Nutt recruited to that school?"
It is his dominance in the talent-rich State of Arkansas that will undoubtedly lead to Bobby Petrino's eventual departure to a more prestigious program placement among the truly great coaches in the history of the SEC, where; a distinction, we must all admit, to which Houston Nutt will never ascend.
The grades are in. All over the SEC blogosphere, our seasons are being commented on and criticized and it's about time for the Red [REDACTED] Cup to jump in. The SEC West is today and the SEC East will come sometime after the BCS Championship Game.
Alabama: A
Nobody expected Alabama to go 12-0. Nobody. You Tiders all clamored on and on about how "Bama was BACK" and "motherfucking roll motherfucking TAHD" but we didn't listen.
"John Parker Wilson is still your quarterback, remember?"
"You really think a freshman wide receiver makes that much of a difference?"
"Haven't you been 'back' every preseason for the last few years now?"
Well, kudos, Bama fans. While a roster made up of mostly paraplegics and small children would have garnered a 12-0 prediction from a slew of your faithful, you've still earned your due credit. The lack of a plus to accompany your "A" is obviously due to your losses in the SEC Championship Game and Sugar Bowl. Thanks for pouring more gasoline on the already trite "OMFG teh BCS suxx" fire and giving people reason to badmouth the SEC, jackasses.
Next season should see some dropoff for the Tide as they lose two All-American offensive linemen and their three-year starter at quarterback. However, despite these losses, Alabama will be favored by many to win the West once more.
Ole Miss: A-
Obviously, I'm a homer. Pointing that out in the comments would be akin to letting everyone here know that the sun will rise over the eastern horizon tomorrow morning. Save us all the time.
Ok, now, on with the explanation: based primarily on preseason expectations and how well they stack up against the season's actual results, it's hard to give Ole Miss a lower grade. While the losses to Wake Forest, Vanderbilt, and South Carolina still make my head asplode, the six-straight victories to end the season (with each victory literally being more impressive than the previous) made it clear to everyone that this Rebel season was a work in progress. The Rebels who won the Cotton Bowl would certainly defeat Wake Forest, Vandy, and South Carolina on any field, neutral or not. They'd hang tough with Alabama and, as ironic as it may be, more than likely lose to Florida.
Remember? Tebow, tears, "won't lose again," etc? Ole Miss is the reason the SEC will take home it's third BCS title in a row.
This is a good Ole Miss team. Hopefully the success to end this season can be used as momentum into the upcoming season. Double-digit regular season wins should be attainable for the 2009 Rebel squad.
LSU: C+
The Tigers should not have lost five games. While a close loss to Bama is respectable, being on the receiving end of a Georgia Bulldog blowout isn't. Jarrett Lee proved to be one of the conferences most successful touchdown passers but, unfortunately, he wasn't very discriminatory as to whose team was scoring the touchdown. Jordan Jefferson looked much better towards the end of the season and the mudhole-stomping defeat of Georgia Tech in the Peach (Chik-Fil-A, I love you, but don't mess with our bowls) Bowl should give LSU hope for a win or two more next season. Also, former Volunteer John Chavis should have LSU's relatively weak 2008 defense in much better shape for 2009.
Arkansas: C-
When the season began, everybody was pretty sure that you were going to suck. Thank you for not disappointing.
Arkansas' season was, in many ways, akin to Ole Miss'. They started poorly, nearly losing to directional-Illindianachigan or something like that and ULM but finished on a somewhat strong note by defeating LSU on a neutral site. Over the course of the season, Arkansas' offense became one of the SEC's best, with Casey Dick putting up respectable numbers and Michael Smith earning ALL-Sec honors at tailback.
But why a "C?" Well, as I said before, nobody expected much out of the Hogs this season and, if Ryan Mallett can be the quarterback the Fayetteville wacky-asses Faithful hope for Arkansas should be much improved next season.
Mississippi State: F+
Thank God for this season. I was getting incredibly fed up with folks in Starkville talking about how "Nutt'n good happens in Oxford" and how Croom was somehow going to win them an SEC title.
We at the Cup have been saying for quite a while that Sly Croom wasn't much of a coach and, finally, the world realized the clarity of our truth. His Gulf Coast offense continued to put up paltry numbers and his defense failed to force turnovers.
Their F gets a plus because they did beat a top-25 team in Vanderbilt, knocking them off of their wacky hotstreak, and earned a much less impressive win over Arkansas. The jury is still out on Dan Mullen as far as gameday coaching is concerned, but he's done a fair job keeping most of the talent Croom had recruited for this upcoming class.
Auburn: If the analogy lent to the use of letters past F, one of them would apply here
Hiring Tony Franklin, only to have him fired before the season's end because Kodi Burns isn't all he's been cracked up to be, really set the stage for the debacle of Auburn's head coaching search. Tommy Tuberville has been disliked by the GOB's in charge on the Plains for quite some time now (remember that whole Bobby Petrino fiasco a few years ago?) and, once both parties were equally fed up with one another, they finally were able to part ways.
Both of these coaching situations made it apparent to coaches across America that if you can't deliver on exorbitantly outrageous goals set forth by a group of bitter, old white guys you won't last long at Auburn, nor will you enjoy your time there. If that weren't the case, they would have hired someone just a hair better than the worst coach in the Big XII.
Hey, at least Arkansas fans have convinced themselves that you're going to soon be badass! Granted, it really has nothing to do with your players, school, or coaches outside of Gus Malzhan but, in times like these, you'll take what you can get.
Auburn could win anywhere from 4 to 8 games next season for two reasons: they're Auburn, and they're Auburn. The situation there is so messy that it's incredibly difficult to prognosticate but they've got the talent on both sides of the ball to make some things happen.
Fish in a bucket. The broad side of a barn. Digging a post-hole with a back-hoe. These are the tired analogies one could use to describe the effortlessness with which one can paint Bobby Petrino to be a lying scumbaggreasier than breakfast at The Beacon, but not nearly as satisfyingfilled from head-to-toe with 24 tons of everything that would make Mike Roe vomit less than honest. Lawyer Milloy said it best: Bobby Petrino's integrity has been talked about and roundly discredited for months on end. Sometimes it has been done so in farcical visual images. Other times by former players. And, notably for the young law student, even through satirical litigation. It's been done to death.
But it cannot be overlooked, not during Arkansas Hate Week, that the man who now leads Razorback Nation is, by their estimation, preferable to the former head coach to whom many in the Natural State have assigned the title of "Snake Oil Salesman," which is, of course, analogous to the pot calling the glass pitcher black.
Logically, though, there seems to be a double-standard here on the Cup. We speak lowly of Petrino, while balking when our friendly pig posters harangue Houston. Isn't that a little bit of irrational homerism? Wouldn't it be far more consistent to accept and let accept? If the man has found his home in fairfrightful forgiving Fayetteville, who are we, the undefiled of Oxford, to care?
Upstanding folks, that's who. Put your Baptist hats on, get on down to the Town Square, and start judging. That's what real Southern Hospitality is all about, simmering endlessly in the faults and foibles of others, so that you can show your decency and courage to yourself by acting polite when in the presence of the profane. By Jove, the man is downright despicable. Misunderstood Houston Nutt found himself dragged shamelessly through town by those ill-mannered (and likely ill-bred) Arkansans, while they accept with open-arms the most dishonest man of his profession, who no doubt has a dozen or more paramours with which his interaction exceeds far beyond, I'm sure, the innocent and occasional text message. Why, I doubt that any self-respecting weather girl would be caught dead receiving calls from Mr. Petrino, animal that he is. Forget not that Mr. Petrino once attempted full-time employment in (I dare not say it aloud) ... Auburn. Terror of terrors.
In conclusion and summary, like most really important principles (for example, religion and complex mathematics), it is mandatory that we, on regular occasions, return and examine the evidence and thought processes that brought us to our present conclusions on any very important matter. To wit: Bobby Petrino is an ass-hat. Always has been. Always will be.
Hurtt, a Razorback fan, has asked us to read the following paragraphs from Dixie Fried Sports to see exactly why Bobby Petrino won't be leaving Fayetteville anytime soon:
So what happens to Bobby Petrino now? Jay Phillips of 107.5 the Game in the SEC Market of Columbia, SC has joked numerous times that Petrino is only waiting for the Texas job to open up. Then he's out of Fayetteville and then in Texas. Phillips obviously doesn't have a clue about the Horns-Hog rivalry and the fact that Texas would never look at hiring away an Arkansas head man. For those that say Petrino will leave and take another job, I ask where? It's obvious the NFL isn't going to take a chance on the guy again, so you can rule that out. Arkansas is paying the man near $3 million a year, there is only a handful of schools in the NCAA that could come close to outbidding Tyson, Jerry Jones, and Wal Mart money. Those that can offer more money or a better job aren't going to put up with the media bashing it would take by hiring Petrino?
Petrino will have a good coaching career in Fayetteville. It won't happen right away due to a lack of great players left from the previous staff, but when it comes the media will take notice. It might even have a few guys like Don Banks standing up and yelling Woo Pig Sooie.
So, you're essentially using the "our coach is a money-hungry, prideful, untrustworthy sleaze who is despised by the media" argument to prove your point. Simply stunning, Hurtt.
Arkansas fans, I concede. Your coach is a money-hungry, prideful, untrustworthy sleaze who is despised by the media. I cannot argue the contrary. Point 1, for Arkansas!
One of our welcome friends from Fayetteville, floating somewhere between "glad Houston Nutt left" and "super-pissed that Ole Miss hired Houston Nutt" posed an interesting thought (paraphrased below):
Your retarded AD [Pete Boone] will fire Houstone Nutt before Bobby Petrino even thinks about leaving Fayetteville.
Now, let's work through this, together. We are asked to compare the immediacy of two events, uncertain to occur: Houston Nutt's forcible termination as head coach at Ole Miss and Bobby Petrino's inclination (however slight) to voluntarily leave Arkansas.
With regard to that immediacy, do we mean a trifling inclination? Fleeting? As in, say a passing fancy? Are we asking if Petrino has yet laid in his comfy bed and wondered, "Would I take the Florida job and leave Arkansas if it were offered to me?" Or are we asking if Petrino intends, very much, to depart when the first opportunity arises?
Let's assume the latter, since it is very likely that even while performing that really awkward pig sooie dance he was thinking about what might come next. Because let's be honest - Nutt and Petrino have very different faults. Nutt wears funny hats, has the crazies, and is interested in meteorology. Petrino, on the other hand, is the football equivalent of Bathsheba.
So, let's refine and restate the question - Whose tenure is more likely to end first and in the expressed manner? Bobby Petrino voluntarily or Houston Nutt forcibly?
With regards to Houston Nutt, Arkansas fans have the demeanor of a jilted ex-lover. They absolutely despise him and want everyone out there to know it. Yet, despite the animosity, they secretly love and miss him. As I am certain many of you have noticed, Arkansas fans of all shapes and (cerebellum) sizes continuously bash Houston Dale Nutt all over the World Wide Web in an effort to let us Rebels know just how foolish we are for hiring coach Nutt after firing Ed Orgeron. "Nevermind the winning seasons, the defeats of #1 ranked LSU and #2 ranked Auburn, the Heisman-worthy performance of Darren McFadden, and the continuous national TV coverage," they cry. HDN may or may not like weather ladies and has an affinity for scaring off whiny little shitstainsprimadonnas, making him an abominable bastard of legendary proportions, lest ye forget.
This of course is right in line with our constant bombardment of Tennessee and Duke boards to bash Cutcliffe and our online assault of Saints fans over Coach O...
Frankly, I'm fed up with all of this hog slop. I've seen far too much of it and a great deal of it is poorly written, asinine, and lacking real creativity (much like this blog). Through a very brief period of web perusing, I have come up with prime examples of the kind of garbage that has caused me to lose whatever respect I may have had for Arkansas and its fans. I assure you this isn't the best stuff out there. Finding that would take hours of wading through this muck. Rather, I have just assembled a few snippets of Ozark rambling which typify this nonsense. All spelling, grammar, and punctuation is 100% the result of the original author and has not been edited.
Rivals.com and OMSpirit.com periodically clear their cache so shit talkin' from the period just after Nutt's hiring is not available. However, if you just search for these kinds of posts, you can find them.
"McKinneyHog(akathedonkey)" on Rivals writes:
Hey tulsa have you moved to Oxford yet to follow your man love yet? People on hogville really miss you. Not!!!!!!!! I have a degree in Physics not in English.
"Tulsa" is another user (TulsaHawg or something along those lines) who previously called out "The Donkey" on his poor spelling and grammar. Tulsa, wishing The Donkey to cease his poor usage of English in order to better the image of his alma mater, did not mention Houston Nutt or Ole Miss. "Nevermind that," McKinneyHog(akathedonkey) said, as he accused his fellow Hog fan of having "man love" for Houston Nutt so strong that he would move to Oxford to express it. The best/worst part about this post is the "Not!!!!!!!" he places after referencing what I am assuming are similar pissing fights on Hogville.
McKinneyHog(akathedonkey) doesn't understand...
If that's not bad enough, the poor bastard then begins to defend himself against the criticisms of his linguistic "skills" by proclaiming that he was a physics major, as opposed to an English major. I doubt it, McKinney. Y'see, physicists still read and write. Maybe you are a freshman soon-to-be-former physics major, but I doubt you've got a four year degree in anything, let alone physics.
RebelFaithful.com is different in that much of the original HDN bashing is still intact. If you would like to see prime examples of this stuff, you could spend hours reading the threads in their trash talk forum.
MusicCityHog writes:
Pig slop???? Nothing and I mean NOTHING is any slopier than an 0-8 SEC record....I hear that Nutt has brought in some 1 star recruits...I guess you Reb fans, coaches, and 1 star recruits are just so much smarter than the rest of us.
He objected to the notion that his writing was "pig slop" on the grounds of our Rebels poor season being "slopy." I'm not sure what he means by that. Steep maybe? Anyway, this is a textbook example of a red herring fallacy so not only can this asshole not spell, but he is unable to form a logical argument. Also, he criticizes Coach Nutt's supposed inability to recruit. He'll be unpleasantly surprised to see Coach Nutt's recruits, namely Enrique Davis, dance all over their endzone and fuck their women, come October (maybe not, but seriously that would be fucking great).
PiggySmalls writes:
We SUCKED BALLS under nutt unless it was for matt jones dmac or felix
I'm just going to leave the poor capitalization and word usage out of this and simply point out the fallacies of his argument. PiggySmalls asserts that Arkansas would have "sucked balls" without the three biggest stars and offensive weapons on the team over the last seven years. While that is a valid assertion, I doubt one could reasonably fault a coach who counts on his players to win games for him because, get this, that's what they all do. This is akin to people that want to discout Cutcliffe as a head coach because of the Mannings. While I'm not a Cutcliffe apologist, I do feel it absurd to say something like "well, without Eli he would have been shit."
Guitarguy writes:
Blank should keep his idiot mouth shut after sucking Vick off the way he did and then trading Shauve. WHat a dumba$$! HE needs to just get out of football all together and keep his trat shut. I doubt even Cuttcliff would want to coach the Atlanta thugans
So it's Arthur Blank's fault that Bobby Petrino is an Asshole? This nonsense drives me up the wall. I understand how one must be supportive of your head coach, especially your new head coach, but a lot of these Arkansas fans think that Bobby Petrino is justified in his unabashed douchedom. Oh, and by the way, it's Matt Schaub, you tool.
Then, of course, there's YouTube, the globe's largest bastion of idiocy. The comments here are usually quite brief (a phrase or two) yet somehow contain multiple baffling mistakes.
kyNtiff is actually not misspelling "traitor." She is, believe it or not, an anti-capitalist and hates monetary systems and the exchange or possession of commodities. She hates Coach Nutt for his trade affinity to the extent that she wants him dead! As you can see, this greatly bewilders Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times columnist, Thomas Friedman. After reviewing her YouTube profile, she has an interesting affinity for Star Wars and MoTown. Rather hypocritical for an anti-capitalist, don't you think? In all seriousness though, where does she get off calling Couch Nutt a "traitor?" He loved Arkansas! They ran him outta town like some kind of heretic despite him bringing the national spotlight on Arkansas to an extent last seen when Arkansas was a part of the now-defunct Southwestern Conference! Yet he's the traitor? It's not as if I had to search for hours or even minutes to find this drivel. Arkansas YouTubers are quite upfront with their feelings and completely unashamed (or perhaps unaware) of their tendency to butcher their native language.
I'm certain you've all seen this a few dozen times over the last couple of months. My advice to you, don't even worry about their "argument" or "points." Just point out their horrible spelling, grammar, and formatting. Really, you can't lose with this approach. Let 'em have it. You're better than they are and you fucking know it.
"Not now, Ma! Some asshole's talkin' shit 'bout Bobby on the intrawebs!"
No ma'am, I don't. And neither will you for much longer I imagine. You coach is an asshole. Before all of this Houston Nutt/Bobby Petrino drama occurred, I really had no major qualms with Arkansas. Of coruse, they're an SEC Western Division foe and they've come out on top more often than not lately (the last 4 straight, to be precise) but I never really got riled up about them like I would for LSU or State. Now, Arky has shot up that list simply because of their horrible, horrible, horrible fans. You've likely seen these idiots on our message boards bashing Houston Nutt like some sort of recently divorced 40-something while clamoring on and on about the merits of Bobby Petrino.
Residents of Fayetteville, get this through you head: Bobby Petrino is a fraud, a coward, and a whore. We all know that Houston Nutt has his occassional bouts with the crazies but I'd take crazy-stupid-wacky over callously greedy any day.
Ok, rant's over. I don't know why, but that t-shirt really set me off big time.
The SEC truly is the conference which writes its own tabloid entries. That's why we're going to occasionally focus on what's going on around the conference to fill you, our faithful readers, in on the SEC scuttlebutt with a bit of boozed-up Ole Miss spin.
LSU: As you've surely heard, Perrilouxzzr is gone. Apparently missing class, skipping team meetings, avoiding coaches, screaming at strip club patrons, defending your pregnant baby momma's honor at a fine nighttime entertainment venueshithole club in Baton Rouge, using fake ID's to get onto casino floors, helping a buddy kick in an apartment door, conducting a lot of glaucoma research, and allegedly being involved in a counterfeiting scheme was the last straw for Les "el Sombrero" Miles. The former 5-star/Orgeronian wet dream will now be looking to utilize his football skills elsewhere and rumor has it that 1-AA Jacksonville St. is interested. I know it may initially seem foolish on the part of the baby-Gamecocks but they could easily clean Perrilouxzzr up if they're willing to do a little preparation ahead of time. Take, for example, counterfeiting. The way I see it, the process of counterfeiting follows a very simple formula: X + Y = FrEeMoNeY!!!1~ Eliminate X or Y, and there you have it, problem solved (probably not).
ARKANSAS: Bobby Petrino is a douche. In a complete move of utter douche-dom, Petrino and ultra-douche QB Ryan Mallet (brush your God damned teeth) petitioned the NCAA to waive the 1 year of inactivity Mallet would have to endure as a transfer from another division 1-A school. The NCAA said no. What the fuck Petrino? Did you think you could just woo your way out of this one? While you're not too keen on sticking to your guns/word/blood-oaths, the NCAA is. Mallet, despite having a neatoultra-douchey website, will have to sit out like everybody else. Deal with it.
MSU: The saga of the Starkville-shootout ended yesterday with the sentencing of Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley. They both received suspensions or probations or some kind of slap-on-the-wrist nonsense typical of NCAA athlete trials and will probably end up seeing the field this fall. Oktibbeha County Circuit Court Judge Lee Howard said of his lenient sentencing, "I mean, yeah, they were firing off guns on a college campus, but it's not like they swiped pillows from a Holiday Inn or something." Coach CroomS, when reached for comment, fought through tears to say "They're such.... *sob* great young men.... such *sob* character.... MAROON!" He then grabbed the nearest flag he could find and immediately began to reaffirm everyone that he may be the most bizarre coach in a conference of bizarre coaches.
