Something Closer to Truth Than Rumor

Before you all mess your britches and have to run to the powder room, let me warn that this is no recruiting related.  I am not going to tell you that Stwarkonious Biscotti, or whatever creatively named 5-star, will "go giggity."  It is also not tennis related (so, feel free to keep reading).  It is, though, about an athlete of particular popular appeal, who, like his compatriots at the Palmer-Salloum Tennis Center, performed markedly well in the class room last fall.

I have it on good authority (my super-secret, top-level-clearance source in the athletic office) that Jerrell Powe, once famed derided for his grammatically incorrect possession of crayons, made a higher-than-half-the-university 2.9 last semester.

2.9 is not just better than the all-university average, it's better than the all-women's average. It's better than the all-Greek average. It's, obviously, better than the all-team average. And, it's one tenth of a point away from Academic All-SEC.

If you feel froggy, you can contact the NCAA Eligibility Center (formerly the the NCAA Initial Eligibility Clearinghouse) and tell them what a bunch of racist, bigot, no-account snot rags they are at (317) 917-6003.

New Years Resolutions

Here are a few resolution ideas I came up with which will hopefully lead to a happier, healthier 2009. If any of these apply to you, I suggest you heavily consider them because I put at least 2 or 3 minutes of thought into this.

Oh, and for the inquiring mind: no, I'm not doing anything at work. Apparently I didn't get the memo about not showing up on the 31st.


Denizens of Lubbock - Start driving hybrids, lest you want global warming to increase the severity of your weekly dust storms. Also, do it because Al Gore said so; he invented the damned Internet, lawya.

SEC Referees - Just forget that the replay even exists in college football.

Jerrell Powe - Lose 30 pounds and finally surmount the great literary challenge of completing your first Nancy Drew novel.

Our Rebel frontcourt - Learn to box out and stop being sissies.

Our Rebel backcourt - Grow some ACL's that aren't made of crepe paper or porcelain.

Greg Hardy - Finally get over the "hump" and take the stationery industry by storm.

Mike Oher and Peria Jerry - Buy a lot of cars 'n' shit.

Kent Austin - First, stop sounding like a Canuck. Second, show the SEC West's new diciples of the spread (Petrino, Mullen, and Malzhan) how real quarterbacks play football.

Tracy Rocker - Finally defeat Ted Laurent in an Abner's eating contest. Going 0-11 on the year is pathetic, Trace.

Andy Kennedy - Sign on with the US Department of Homeland Security.

The entire football team - Just freakin' beat Bama for once, alright?

Dexter McCluster - Evolve suction-cupped fingertips (EVILoution works that way, right?).

Womens Rifle Team - Just continue to keep us compliant with Title IX and we won't ask any questions.

Bobby Petrino - Update your resume on Monster.com.

Rascal Flatts - Find some other shitty midday regional football broadcast through which to peddle your "music." Bob that HeAaAaAaAaAaD the fuck on out of here. If Johnny Cash were still alive and if Haggard weren't confined to his drug-ravaged 71-year-old body they'd make a grease stain out of all of you faster than you can put that there gel in your hair.

Arkansas Fans - Get hobbies; lots of 'em. This, of course, does not apply to you, Gonzohog. You just keep on keepin' on.

ESPN - Stop being biased against the SEC! You arrogant New England/West Coast types make me sick! You obviously hate everything about us! Oh, and thanks for the $2+ billion, 15-year
TV deal... you YUPPIE ASSHOLES!



Have you got any others? Feel free to submit them via comment.
Have a save and happy new year, everybody. Don't drink and drive, have fun, get laid, et cetera.

Landsharks!

No, no, no... Try again.

If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve surely noticed a recent development in Ole Miss football: our D is playing lights out. Our defensive line has become one of the nation’s best, our linebackers are all very solid tacklers, and our secondary is able to capitalize on mistakes made by opposing quarterbacks. While credit is certainly due to Tyrone Nix, Tracy Rocker, Chris Vaughn, Kim Dameron, , and (of course) Houston Nutt for coaching a former band of seeming misfits up to their true, badass potential, these players and their newly discovered swagger deserve most of the accolades.

Peria Jerry is impossible to block. Seriously. Just try blocking that guy. Next time he’s loading up on Moo Goo Gai pan at the New Hunan, stand between him and the steam trays and see what happens. In about a half of a second you’ll be rolling on the floor suffering through violent, spasmodic fits of bloody vomiting while he’s casually searching for the duck sauce.

Jerrell Powe has shown a lot of promise over the last couple of weeks. His performance in the Egg Bowl was certainly impressive, despite the fact that his two sacks and absolutely hilarious (I had tears in my eyes) interception against State came against a group of matadors wearing football pads.

Greg Hardy found his magic shoes and he, along with Kentrell Lockett and Emmanuel Stephens, has been able to establish a pretty terrifying pass rush.

Tony Fein causes opponents to wither on the spot. His tattooed bazookas which he’s been able to convincingly pass off as “arms” most likely play a pretty solid role in the intimidation factor. I still have a pretty kickass mental image of him ruining Charles Scott for a 5 or 6 yard loss a few weeks ago.

Ashlee Palmer and Allen Walker are prototypical outside backers. They’ve both got size and are fundamental tacklers, but they’ve also got incredible speed and agility. Palmer’s graceful interception against State is evidence enough of this.

While many are quick to criticize our corners (and appropriately so), you’ve got to appreciate the unselfish moves a few of them have made with regards to position changes. For Marshay Green to make the switch from wideout to corner and not fuck it up too horribly says a lot for his competitive drive and athletic abilities.

Jamarca Sanford is, well, Jamarca Sanford and Kendrick Lewis has improved more than any defensive player thus far this season, in my opinion.

Toss in guys like Marcus Tillman, Lawon Scott (a big surprise to many this year), Ted Laurent, John Cornell, and Marcus Temple and we’ve got some quality depth at several defensive positions.

Perhaps the most important factor in this defense’s success though is the high level of confidence and teamwork with which they play. This defense does not look like a group of individuals but rather operates with incredible cohesion. Perhaps the strongest piece of evidence for this claim is the defense’s self-applied moniker of “Landsharks.”

I’m certain you’ve seen this before. What you may not know are the origins of the hand signal and the unusual nature by which it was embraced by the defense.

While this is only a story based on second-hand information, both of my sources are pretty good in that they’re very much in touch with the goings on of the Rebel football program. Basically I wasn’t told this by any particular player(s) first-hand so take it for what it’s worth.

Apparently, Tony Fein started using the term “Landshark” in practice a few months ago. During one of his better days on the practice field, he told the defense that he was a playing like a “Landshark” and threw the hand-fin up on his helmet. At first, his fellow defenders thought this to be, well, ‘tarded. Tony, however, did not cease being a self-proclaimed. As practices wore on, Tony got better and better and with his growing confidence, kept flinging up his fin. Eventually, this grew on a few of his fellow defenders.

The first time that I can recall seeing it was during the Florida game. Powe rocked a shark’s fin during the victory celebration if my memory serves me well enough.

As the season progressed, and as the wins continued to pile up, the Landsharks moniker evolved from something Tony Fein did while being goofy (please don’t hurt me Tony, I’m only a bloggeur) to a symbol of pride and unity among our defenders.

Now, I don't see how any Ole Miss fan couldn't love it. Our defense does it to remind the fans, the opponents, and eachother that they're badder than Hell and they're not afraid to ruin somebody. Ask Tim Tebow's Heisman hopes. Ask Jarrett Lee's ankle. Ask the entire offensive depth chart of Mississippi State. These sons-of-bitches are a group of Landsharks. No, we don't know exactly what that means, but if you don't acknowledge their collective fantasy terrestrial-fish alter ego they'll drop your ass like a bad habit.

Great work, zcriz

An Open Letter to the LSU OL

To the most esteemed Louisiana State University Offensive Line,

And so it came to pass, when the Archduke of Sackenstein made an end of corresponding with one John Parker Wilson, that much praise and exaltation was thrust upon him for his skillful and virtuous prose. Upon observing this, I have concluded that, as a scribe of the highest order and dexterity, my desire to engage in fruitful intercommunication should be fully realized. Thus, shouldst thou will to critique mine own manner of parlance, prithee, do keep thine own tongue faithfull to the manner of speaking of thy forebearers.

Ah, young Tigers, for thine is the glory of the Southeastern Conference's Western Division when strictly speaking in a sense of recent tradition. However, lest you not be decieved by my words, let it be known that for in this season the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama has risen to lofty heights just below that of their supporters and colleague's wildest most mundane of dreams.

Yet and so, whilst sitting on the verge of another early December spent at a fair distance from the Divine Kingdom of Atlanta, my Rebellious legion and I must fight for something other than the right to loftily fly victory banners over our stronghold. Nay, we Rebels will fight for something which is far less glorious yet nearly as pride inducing: a consolation banner.

"Lo, here be the realm of the second most victorious football legion in the Southeastern Conference's Western Division during the 2008th year of our Lord."

The beauty of said imagined banner brings a tear to the mind's eye.

My desire to obtain this prize and to bring my rebellious legion to heights deemed impossible nearly one annum ago has become insatiable. My, nay, our quest must be successful. Our goal must be reached. And, as pitifully unfortunate as it may be, thou standest accross our path. Thy charitable leader and gaudily crowned king will not find the capabilities necessary to halt our destiny. Despite your anticipations or most hopeful desires, thou shalt be vanquished.

Lo, how fate hast collided our paths. This upcoming Saturday, upon the Sun's falling and as the blackness of nightfall washes over our realm, ye shall taste the most shameful and bitterest of defeats whilst I, along with my colleagues, hoist high thy floral phallus for which we have bargained.

Invoke thy aid to my adventurous quest, that as my middle finger intends to soar bove the Louisianian mount, whyle I attempt things unattempted yet in prose, rhyme, or football.

Vis-a-vis, ergo, concordently and respectfully with nothing but my sincerest regards and sympathies,

Lord Jerrel Pöwe, Earl of Nomnom, Baron of Hoverround

Post scriptum - HAHA Y'all mawfukkas smell like a Goddamn county fair! OOH-WEE! Pass da murrstard cuz dey some corndog sons-a-bitchs here! SCOOT SCOOT MOTHERFUCKER!

Jerrell Powe: Leader of the Band

(HT: Friends of the Program)

I've been accused by people who know me (not you all, I'm anonymous, right?) of a sort of gentile social progressivism. It's where the name comes from. Perhaps I betray my secret identity by admitting that I proclaim the variant "The South is a nice place to live" at the end of "Slow Dixie," instead of the dominant "...will rise again!"

This high-minded moralism is where the name Ivory Tower comes from. Thanks for visiting, now let me head on over to the restroom and drop off a little change we can believe in.

But for The New York Times and everyone else who felt the need to note with disdain in their pre-debate articles that Ole Miss still played "Dixie" at football games, I give you Jerrell Powe leading the band. This 300+ poor black man from Waynesboro, MS got a rush out of "Dixie" this weekend for the same reason most other Ole Miss fans do - because it's a fight song, not a political statement.

Hey, Langston, in case it's still flying under your radar: Powe. On the 'tron. Are you ready? Do it.

Saturday Evening Scrimmage Report

Today's scrimmage in Vaught-Hemingway was certainly a let down. While many players had good days and showed great potential, an upsetting large majority of the scrimmage was dedicated to third team vs. third team plays which is pretty damned boring. Here are our notes:

1. Jevan Snead didn't throw very much. He was only in for a couple of drives and most of the plays called during his drives were either runs or short pass plays. The same goes for Tapp. Stanley was in for a half-dozen drives or so and threw a great deal more than the other quarterbacks. He was mediocre as he threw a few picks (at least one was most certainly the fault of the receiver) and occassionally underthrew his targets.

2. All of the runningbacks had great days. Brandon Bolden and Devin Thomas got a lot of reps and both ran very hard. Bolden played especially well as he continued to demonstrate just how hard he can be to bring down.

3. Andrew Harris, while currently on the third team, showed incredible athleticism and was able to evade several defenders after the catch. Yeah, the defenders were also third teamers, but some of the moves he made took a great deal of skill.

4. I saw no fewer than three different t-shirts which utilized some sort of Houston Nutt related pun. Everything from "The Rebels are NUTTY" to "Welcome to the NUTT HOUSE" is seemingly printed on a t-shirt. Thankfully I saw nobody older than 13 wearing one of these shirts but I was still a bit disappointed. Seriously everyone, stop buying these damned things.

5. Jerrell Powe was a wrecking ball out there, against an offensive line made of walk-ons and freshmen. We, as a fan base, have shamefully hyped this kid to mythical heights. He's got potential and most certainly can contribute on our defensive front, but he's no messiah. During the scrimmage he got an encroachment penalty called against him for jumping the snap early and knocking Billy Tapp (who was wearing a red jersey) to the ground. Shortly after this penalty, several hundred people cheered, clapped, et cetera. One woman in my viscinity even said she was "glad to have him here." What the Hell, people? He committed a damned penalty and knocked over a guy who he wasn't even supposed to touch. That is absolutely nothing to cheer over.

6. Joshua Shene did not miss a single field goal. Being as how we haven't had a seriously capable kicker in several seasons, it would be nice to see Shene show up as a true special teams weapon this fall.

7. Jeremy McGee took a big hit and was escorted off of the field after being attended to for a couple of minutes. Hopefully he's alright.


Honestly, that's about it. Having third teamers practice against one another does not really lend to noteworthy practices or detailed and relevant practice reports. I understand that the coaches didn't want to have a lot of potential starters out there in order to avoid the injury bug so I'll forgive them, this time.

The Legend of Powe

The Ole Miss fan base actually has something to get excited about for once in a long while and these borderline absurd YouTube videos should prove it.

Also, Read what Chris Low of ESPN.com has to say if you've got a few minutes to kill. I really enjoy his work. For more reading material, here's CBS Sportsline's take on Powe's clearance and Sports Illustrated/The Associated Press has this to say.

EDIT: Hell, while I'm at it, here's another video:

Jerrell Powe Cleared

Okay... where's the hidden camera? When is my alarm clock going to rip me from this sublime dream?

Wait, this is really happening?

Yep, after submitting his papers for the first second third fourth time, Jerrell Powe has been declared academically eligible to play football at Ole Miss in the fall.

For any of you non-Ole Miss fans, I don't think you can fathom what this has done to the Ole Miss faithful. Jerrell Powe has been a myth in Rebel circles for three years. His legend has taken on fantastically large, Paul Bunyan-esque proportions. If the legends be indeed true, he once ate a live bear because he thought it was Casey Dick and even scared Kobayashi away from a hushpuppies eating contest. I've also heard that his stat line against Memphis will be 16 tackles, 13 sacks, 4 interceptions, 3 forced fumbles, 124 rushing yards, 6/6 for 300 yards passing, 8 touchdowns, and three injury causing tackles. To many of us, all of our wildest hopes and aspirations for this young man are finally beginning to take form.

But seriously, Jerrell Powe will make a defensive line that was already set up to be one of the conference's best (see: two players projected to go in the first round this April) into a line that rivals any in the nation. While I don't have incredibly high expectations for Powe's actual output, he can provide 10-15 solid plays a game as a high intensity, 325-pound man who, for his size, can fly to the ball-carrier (he has a reported 4.9 forty).

Thank goodness he didn't go to junior college. Had he gone, he would have definitely been a junior college all-American. We all know our track record with those.

So here's to Jerrell Powe. We're proud of you big fella. Now go work out.

2 things:

1. We're the #2 party school in America, again. Motherfucker. What are we going to have to do to get over that hump? The #2 party school ranking is sorta like NCAA super regionals for us.

2. An announcement saying "Powe is 100% in" will be made later today. Tune in to OleMissSports.com for more information.

CUPDATE: It's official. I has eligibility.

Has it ever gotten to this point in years past?

Parrish Alford is reporting that Jerrell Powe has been cleared to play. He's just awaiting a formal call from the SEC at this point.

I'm not sure we've ever had an actual news source report that Powe has been cleared in years past. I'm not ready to say that Powe will get in yet, since he hasn't even gotten to practice on the field with the team yet this year (as he was able to do last August). Still, this has to be encouraging news.

If he gets in, I don't expect him to play every down or anything near that, but I do expect him to be a difference maker during the plays when he is in the game. If we can just get 15-20 snaps a game from him that are solid, it would help a good bit.

As for people who want him to lead the "Are You Ready" against Memphis, that probably won't happen. The Powe-tron may not even be ready by then (though I know they say it will be).

The Wish List: Richard Scruggs

Now that Ole Miss alum Richard Scruggs has been sentenced for his role in a Mississippi judicial bribery scandal, he has caught the eye of the staff here at Red [REDACTED] Cup.

We're sure that Scruggs will be spending most of his time with his family until he has to report to federal prison on August 4. We also know, though, that Richard Scruggs is a pretty big Ole Miss football fan. The Rebels' last two coaching searches have been performed from Scruggs' personal jet.

So, considering the extra time you have before prison, the fact that you're a solid Ole Miss fan, and the reputation you no longer have any need to protect, maybe you could get about bribing a few folks for us.

Mike Slive
The fate of The One of which We Shall Not Speak lies in the hands of The Commish. Getting that guy qualified would improve our defensive line, improve his quality of life, and really piss off a bunch of State fans and the Orgeron. This is a win-win-win!

Willie Herenton
The Mayor of Memphis can do one important thing for Ole Miss football to ensure the happiness and well-being of our fans for a generation - bulldoze the Liberty Bowl. After five (going on six) autumns in Oxford, I've had the misfortune of starting everyone with either a visit to or a visit from the Tigers. I know Pete Boone promises that this will be the last meeting between the storied rivals mismatched teams, but there's more than one way to skin a cat. No Memphis football stadium = no Memphis football.

The officials scheduled to work the Alabama game
Obviously, some of us are worried about other games, but this guy really wants to beat Alabama. And I want to cheat at it. I don't want to win fair and square, not even by twenty points in Tuscaloosa. I want to go to Bryant-Denney and snatch victory illegitimately from the jaws of defeat. Because as Bret Maverick says, "There is no more deeply moving religious experience ... than cheatin' on a cheater."

So, there it is, Dickie. Three pretty easy targets, none of which will earn you any more time in the clink, but any of which will cement your place among the Order of Rebel heroes.

Po' no mo?

If it's in The Curious Index it must be true...

The Powe Tron: Probably not gonna suck afterall!

I don't have any sort of definite source to verify this, but the recent scuttlebutt surrounding the Powe-Tron is that Daktronics, the company responsible for scoreboards at Georgia, Texas, and numerous other places, has won the bid to construct our new scoreboard. This means that our new board will most likely not at all be shitty, as many of us had predicted. It will be a high definition board and it is rumored that the designs will have it built 80ft wide by 50ft tall. Furthermore, rumors also tell of an agreement between the athletic department and Daktronics which stipulates that Daktronics would be required to pay $25k for every single day the screen doesn't work if it malfunctions during football season.

While nice, such a clause is really unnecessary. I think we all know how to keep stadium electronics functioning during football season: no daytime fireworks.

All things considered, we may need to find a new name for this bad boy. Personally, I like the Powe-Tron (I kinda coined the term, y'know) but that name was based on this Jerrell Powe...

...not this mythical, racially-tolerant Jerrell Powe.

As far as I can tell, these are all just rumors. If anybody has any definitive information surrounding this please let us know.

Chris Strong is gone, Powe is (fingers crossed) in, and some Schadenfreude

Coach O was a recruiting guru. Coach O was not, however, a getting-students-to-go-to-class guru. Chris Strong, the crown jewel of last years signing class, has withdrawn from school and will not see action on the field in an Ole Miss uniform (likely) ever again. Strong, an academically questionable recruit out of South Panola who qualified after a semester at Genesis One, failed out of school last semester because he was likely too high to give a fuck.

There is good news (kinda sorta) though. Jerrell Powe, after his epic uphill battle against written language and the NCAA compliance offices, may actually qualify (for realsies this time) and see action this fall. Even ESPN's Bruce Feldman blogs about it. I, personally, won't get my hopes up until I witness first-hand Powe attempting an on-field ingestion of Matt Malouf this upcoming September.

And finally, Joe McKnight, the cause of Ed Orgeron's most impressive(ly competitive) erection, is ineligible for spring practice at USC (#25). The situation with McKnight at USC fully proves, to me at least, that all of this recruiting hype and obsession over stars and class rankings is absolutely dumb, especially when these kids can't get it done in the classroom. Yeah, I know, college football is really a minor league for the NFL and literacy doesn't matter when you've got an agent, but the NCAA says these kids have to pretend like they want to earn a degree. Although some of you may object, we should definitely be more concerned with playing by the NCAA rules than Scout.com's recruiting rankings.

Red/Blue/Manning/Willis/Fireworks/ChangingtheCultureofAlcohol Preview!!!!@3

So if you're looking for a great weekend in Oxford this spring... this may not be it. Avett Brothers headline Double Decker, and will easily be the best act in DD history, as far as I'm concerned. Unlike the past few years though, the DD headliner probably couldn't start at quarterback and/or cornerback on the football team. So if you like, I dunno, sports and shit, maybe this weekend will be ok...

I have a beef with the Ole Miss PR 'machine' this weekend. By declaring Manning-Willis day this weekend, we slight two recent Ole Miss greats, Deuce 'Volkswagen' McAllister, and Derrick Burgess. Like Manning/Willis, they had great collegiate success on underachieving Ole Miss teams, and went on to do great things in the NFL, McAllister being an integral part of the best Saints team in history, and Burgess leading the NFL in sacks two years ago. Also, Deuce has already supplied the University with a significant monetary contribution, and with all of his dealerships, he looks to do the same in the future, as well as send his kids here to pledge Phi Delta Theta.

So anyway, here are two lists of observations/predictions to look out for this weekend, one of which is likely to happen, one of which, if it happens, don't say I didn't call it...

Real predictions:

1. Greg Hardy does something ridiculous. Whether he kills Billy Tapp in cold blood or chases down Mike Wallace on a deep route after shaking off a Michael Oher Block and getting chop blocked by Corey Actis and Chaz Ramsey, expect Greg to do something to assert himself as the most dominant class skipper on campus.
2. Dustin Mouzon turns in a solid performance, solidifying his top spot at CB, leaving Vaughn and Green to battle it out for the other spot. My vote goes to Green, based on his having been taught to, I dunno, catch the ball sometimes.
3. Tony Fein makes a good push as the starter at Mike 'backer. I think Cornell or perhaps Trahan get the eventual nod here, but Fein is instinctive, and will likely do well against our offense. Spread and/or spread option offenses will kill him, but he'll at least be in the conversation until we come across one for realstown. Staff sources indicate that despite his speed limitations, Fein's wicked awesome tattoo could start at outside 'backer in a pinch.
4. Allen Walker/Jamarca Sanford/an errant observer might hit Dex so hard he dematerializes. I'm really excited about him being so involved in the offense. But please, Coach, don't put him in until SEC play.
5. Jevan Snead will NOT throw an interception to Mike Dzura, as he did last spring. Mainly because Dzura got, like, hardcore busy with frat stuff and isn't on the team anymore. Seriously, though, if Snead throws picks, it'll only be to legit DB's, ya'll. I am worried about his Brett Favre tendencies, but hopefully he learns to trust his offense enough to help him score without throwing up garbage.
6. Offensive line gets beat up, gets called various effeminate names by Markuson. I think they'll be fine, especially when John Jerry gets rid of whatever unsavory medical condition currently ails him. However, Peria + Hardy + Tillman + Laurent + Stevens + Lockett = a disconcerting amount of sacks for an offensive line coach. This will also cause folks to be underwhelmed with Cordera Eason, but again, I'll give him a pass for now.
7. Assuming that teams are divided into first team O/second team D vs. second team O/first team D, I'm picking the first team O, since the defensive line backups will dominate their offensive counterparts, and the deep receiving corps on the second team won't have many good passes come their way. 17-7, first team O, decided in regulation...

Fake predictions (but don't blame me if they happen):

1. Tracy Rocker and Jerrell Powe get bored on the sidelines and ingest Dexter McCluster. Though not as high in protein, Nutt will appeal to Powe to snack on private school kickers in the future.
2. Rory Johnson, Mico McSwain, and Jamal Harvey drop by to watch their former teammates, but are quickly evacuated as the APR reactor reaches critical mass.
3. Andy Kennedy and Mike Bianco make a special guest appearance to speak to the team about reaching their potential... various NAFOOM posters suffer irony-related aneurysms.
4. Houston Nutt will express his continued optimism towards the team saying that, although he is excited about the progress of the team as a whole, "we're really just waiting on Hunter Miller."
5. Make your own... It is damn near 2:30 A.M., and I'm almost sober.

Call the tabloids! Powe can write!

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

That's right. Photographic evidence that Jerrell Powe can indeed write. Take THAT NCAA compliance offices!

Jerrell Powe Sighting.

I spotted Jerrell Powe in the Grove. He was conversing with some little girl that he could eat for breakfast. They were joking about his girth. He said, "Nah, but a do weight a lot, though."

Really, Jerrell? How much do you weigh?

"About 300 pounds."

Sure you do, Jerrell. You keep telling yourself that. Maybe it'll come true.