Post-Game Report: Samford (seriously??)

A well distributed factoid around the Ole Miss camp this week was that the last time Samford played a BCS opponent, a mediocre Georgia Tech team with a soon-to-be unemployed coach hung 69 points on them. So we, being the good little sports god-fearing Ole Miss fans we are, optimistically hoped for a 50-spot on our side of the box score and a few passing attempts by Billy Tapp, as well as some kids from the Make-a-Wish Foundation getting late snaps at wide receiver (did I just make that joke? What is wrong with me?). Well, guess who scored the first touchdown of the game, to take a first quarter lead? That would be the Bulldogs of Samford. Guess who had to pass downfield to have a decent chance at a first down, because running up the middle garnered mixed results at best? That would be the Rebels of Ole Miss. What went wrong here? I've got an idea or three:

Jevan Snead: please tell me you got plastered and slept with four different sorority girls last night. Please? Honestly, the pass rush was in his face all night (and how embarrassing is that, Michael Oher and co.?), but Snead didn't do a great job of making checks at the line to adjust for blitzes. Hopefully, this was just a result of vanilla playcalling and lack of motivation. And seriously, Jevan, Lionel Breaux is STILL hung out to dry on that five-yard hook. Bring that shit down.

Running backs: Really? We have five backs on our team that would, in theory, start for Samford. None were impressive tonight. Eason hits the hole with all the tenacity and timing of a 16 year old in the back of his mom's borrowed minivan on prom night (last Dennis Miller-esque joke of the night, promise). Bolden appeared to be limited, and his primary vehicle, the Wild Rebel, was left in the garage. And as a note to all 5 backs: shoestring tackles need to be broken, folks. This is the SEC you're playing in.

Offensive line: as it stands, probably the most overrated unit in the SEC. 'Soft' would be a compliment, a goal to strive for, at this point. Almost 1600 pounds of bulk spread out amongst five men with over 100 starts between them in the SEC, and we can't beat down Samford's defensive line? Markuson isn't sleeping well right now, and neither is Michael Oher.

The offensive playcalling was extremely boring, and that shouldn't have mattered. Just execute. Execute against a team with less talent than the scout team that impersonated them all week.

Defense... Where do you start here? For most of the second half, Samford held a 5-minute advantage over UM in time of possession. Blame this on a defense that was unable to stay on assignment all night. Sure, we busted a few plays in the backfield, but where were the turnovers? There wasn't a play that seemed close to a Samford turnover. The desire to actually hit someone seemed a tertiary goal, at best. Houston Nutt can't be happy with Tyrone Nix, can he?

Special teams: glad to see Marshay take a punt to the house, and in impressive fashion. I still haven't decided if that makes up for the punt he should've taken back earlier. Let me set up this scenario for those who missed it: Green takes the punt, finds that his blockers have completely sealed off their slower, more Baptist counterparts, and the only thing between him and the endzone is a portly little fellow in white and a speedy blocker in blue. What happens? An awkward, three man collision, you say? Well, how did you guess? Seriously, folks, I'd have taken that punt back in my flip flops without losing my Aviators or getting my polo sweaty.

Enough with the detailed statistical analysis, though. What all this boils down to, scientifically, is that this game was a load of HORESESHIT! Defense, don't come waving your arms around trying to pump the fans up in the face of this all-male pillow fight. Entertain me. Hit someone so hard that they regret the day they first touched a football. And offense? This was supposed to be an All-You-Can-Score Buffet, and once again, I left hungry, and pissed off at my townie waiter. Did Nutt do this to the team on purpose, so he could yell at them all week in preparation for Vanderbilt? Did he take off all week to help his least-attractive daughter make a diorama of the solar system for school? Here I am, wracking my brain, thinking of ways NOT to score 40 against Samford, and I got nothin'.


On a brighter note:

Narrowly edging out rH0d3$+@r, a bow-tie-clad fratter named Vince gets the weekly 'Awesomest Drunk Guy in My General Vicinity' award. Thanks for your light-hearted yet caustic display of profanities; it made me want to gouge my eyes out a little bit less. Congrats, Vince, and thanks to all of those who played.

fUcK yOu oHiO sTaTe, and Fight On, USC. That is all. I'm really dying to see USC take on Florida or Mizzou in the BCS championship.

Dear MSU: I have to admit it. I don't trust you to lose games in the fashion to which we all became accustomed. You played a hell of a defensive game against Auburn, apparently, and I had to see the body to really believe you were dead. Still: HA HA HA... HA.

Who Is This Guy? Matt Malouf

My thunder has been stolen.

QB: Remember Matt Malouf? A quarterback from our very own Oxford High? We recruited him as a wide receiver, but he chose Memphis because they would let him play quarterback. Well, apparently he's not as good as Arkelon Hall. I'll let that sink in for a minute. Arkelon Hall. Anyway, Malouf transferred to Samford, where, of course, he would be able to start immediately.

Yeah, okay, so there really isn't that much to say about Matt Malouf. But, "not the starter" doesn't really accurately describe his playing time. Whatever his status might have been at the beginning of the year, Malouf took a significant number of his team's snaps (10-12-101 with no Touchdowns or interceptions) in the season opener, but saw limited action against Faulkner, who, as I've already noted, was a cupcake by Samford's standards.

Why Malouf only attempted 4 passes against the cupcake in Week 2 after completing 10 of 12 against a legitimate opponent in Week 1 is not within my purview.

Will hordes of Oxonians show up to support the home-town boy? No, probably not. Would I rather have Jevan Snead than Matt Malouf as my quarterback? Why, yes, I think so. Nevertheless, a team can make statements against FCS teams. Nine times out of ten, those statements are not positive. I'd like to make a positive, or at least, neutral statement tomorrow by paying attention to the offensive leaders of this team.

And by "paying attention," I obviously mean "making [them] look like grossly intoxicated senior citizens with vertigo and, perhaps, mild mental retardation."

Who Is This Guy? Chris Evans

If you answered "The Human Torch," then you'd only be half right. The half wrong part is Sophomore Running Back Chris Evans of Samford.
No, not that guy.

This guy, who, unlike his namesake, is unlikely to be copulating with the winsome Jessica Alba. (That link, by the way, is just b-b-b-barely safe for work).

The football playing Chris Evans is the stud for Samford, returning in 2008 after rushing for 1,033 yards in 2007 as a freshman. At 6'2" and weighing in at 218 lbs., Evans is no Dexter McCluster. He's a big back in the mold of Benjarvus Green-Ellis, who, likely plans to go man-to-man against Peria Jerry and Ted Laurent - or, for our less initiated readers, right up the middle. On the season, Evans has 29 carries for 246 yards and 4 touchdowns.

Samford's last FBS opponent was Georgia Tech in 2007. Not surprisingly, they got super-stomped. Rebel fans should seriously doubt whether Evans will ever even make us nervous. Nevertheless, I, personally, am hoping he has a decent visit to Oxford. The young man appears to have his head screwed on right - he's a scholarship athlete majoring in Pharmacy, so I doubt he brings down the team GPA. So, here's hoping Evans crosses that 100 yard mark. In the 4th quarter. Against the scout team defense.

Tomorrow: A familiar face - Oxford native, QB Matt Malouf.

Who is This Guy? Pat Sullivan

Not surprisingly, the glory of Samford Football exists only 146 miles away in Auburn. Head Coach Pat Sullivan was the winner of the 1971 Heisman Trophy as the War Eagle quarterback, somehow a cause for excitement among Bulldog fans. He had a six-year NFL career that was unextraordinary, followed by bursts of excitement and disappointment as a college coach.

His coaching career began at his alma mater under Pat Dye, where he was quarterbacks coach for six years before taking over a "probation project" at TCU, leading to the Horned Frogs to their first back-to-back winning seasons in decades and winning a share of the demoralized SWC in 1994. He came within an angel's breath of becoming the head coach at LSU after that season, but the Bengals couldn't negotiate a sweet enough deal and hired Gerry DiNardo, instead, which turned out well.

But Sullivan and TCU would fall on hard times, he would resign (replaced by the man who rode Ladanian Tomlinson to stardom - Dennis Franchione) and spend a few seasons at UAB before getting the opportunity of a lifetime - Samford, where you can keep on losing for decades and no one will care. It's like retirement without all the hassles.

But, who am I to judge. His team is 2-0, and Samford fans are probably excited about the direction of their program. So, good for them.

Next up: Sophomore RB Chris Evans.