Just Have to Kick Somebody While He's Down.

I made up this word "wintegrity," but I think it fits the Sylvester Croom era. It's an absolute fiction - just like Sylvester Croom being any more disciplined or character-driven than any other FBS coach (with some exceptions). He's probably a great guy, and he hasn't been caught flirting with the weather girl out of Columbus, yet. So, especially with his recent departure, the wrathful response might be uncalled for. Nevertheless, the wrathful response has come because, with Croom's career in Starkville now in the rear-view mirror, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how Croom is different - other than skin color, eight aberrative wins in 2007, and career curse words - from Ed Orgeron.

Fun While It Lasted

Even so, we ought to remember well that Coach Crumz was able to muster two wins (one blowout) against the mighty Rebels.

Greg Byrne, athletic director at Mississippi State, said that the school will honor the buy-out with Coach Croom. His buy-out is confidential, but considering the man makes made $1.7 million per year, it must be some amount with which I could buy a whole lot of cheap scotch. As far as names to replace Croom, ESPN reported the usual suspects - Gary Patterson at TCU, Brent Venerables (sic?) of Oklahoma, and Skip Holtz of East Carolina. Ellis Johnson, the former defensive coordinator at Mississippi State, must be a candidate. If Greg Byrne is not a total idiot, he will seek out Brian Kelly of Cincinnati or Tommy Bowden (formerly) of Clemson. How many of these people will actually be interested in this job is a bigger question.

My off the reservation suggestions include an energetic coach that has reenergized a dormant BCS program and a consistent winner with a proven record of winning big games.

HATE STATE WEEK IS ON

Open up your heart and let the hate out!

Oh, is this week going to be fantastic or what!? Still riding the "we just throttled LSU's shit in Baton Rouge" high, we've got only a few weekdays to squeeze in our immense hatred for the Fightin' Crooms.

So, without any further ado, I officially delcare the season for extrme Mississippi State hatin' to be open on the Red [REDACTED] Cup. Bring everything you've got to the table because onee of the SEC's most classic and enduring rivalries is being revisited this Friday in Oxford. And, this time, it won't end with a golden egg being hoisted above the head of some jackass wearing maroon.

This won't happen again for a long, long time.

Wiki the Walrus

Click for biggification.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

Question:

What do Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana State, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Vanderbilt, and Tennessee (but, then again, maybe) all have in common?

Answer:

They are not the walrus.


I am the walrus.

Corralling the West, Week 1

We won. You should know this by now. More to come later whenever Whiskey Wednesday shakes off his hangover.

They're also the third best engineering program in all of Louisiana!  You know how a lot of teams like to schedule division II (screw whatever they're called nowadays, that shit is stupid), mid-major, or low-level BCS teams for their opening games?  You know, for a sorta faux-preseason stat-padder to ease the fans and players into the season?  A sure win and what-not?  Well, not so much.  It's ok State, they were the 91st best defense in football last year which, as Wesley Carroll can tell you, is certainly more than enough to make the game competitive.  Coach CroomS has just shown the Bulldog faithful exactly how one earns a raise + contract extension in Starkville.

Not so fast, Hogs.  You're on notice, Arkansas.  Of course, you won and you've gotta get whatever credit is due for that... but Western Illinois?  Seriously?  Would Nutt have trailed them in the 4th quarter with whatever athletes are up in Fayetteville?  But hey, Casey Dick thew the ball 41 times which is exactly what you crazy assholes wanted in the first place, right?

The Big Ten is horrible.  LSU, in a much more roundabout manner, proved this once again last night by downing Appalachian State with an ease that Michigan couldn't.  Michigan, the winningest football team in the HISTORY OF FOOTBALL dropped a season opener again yesterday, this time to the Utah Utes.

It's ok to hate Nick Saban.  Damn you, Bama.  I wanted to you to lose and lose bad but, instead, you showed that you may be a true candidate to represent the West in Atlanta.  I know it's early for these kinds of things, but they seriously shut Clemson down big time and proved that their preseason ranking of 24 wasn't undeserved.  

Speaking of Bama and upset victories.  Auburn beat ULM the way they're supposed to be beaten making the hearts of many a Bama fan weep deep, deep down inside their chest cavity (just past the adipose tissue).

SEC Power Poll: Preseason Poll/Special Coaches Edition

As an Ole Miss-oriented blog, the Red [REDACTED] Cup is a part of the SEC Power Poll. The Power Poll is a power ranking of the SEC football teams put together by the gentlemen at Garnet and Black Attack. The Power Poll aims to deliver a somewhat accurate and undeniably entertaining poll for all of the SEC football fans in cyberspace.

This week, for the preseason poll, we and the other Power Poll voters have ranked the SEC's head coaches. Our ballot with commentary is as follows.

EDITORS NOTE: Six RSC contributors voted to compile this ballot. For each vote, a ranking was assigned a corresponding point value. Thus, the coach with the lowest total number of points once the votes were tallied "won." It's like golf, therefore my boy Spurrier digs the hell out of it. The ballot is formatted thusly: Coach (number one votes, if any) - total points - highest ranking - lowest ranking. Capiche?


1. Urban Meyer (3) - 10pts - 1 - 3
In the SEC, you've gotta be good at pointing and mysteriously staring. Les Miles has got it. Saban's workin' on it. Houston Nutt is, well, Houston Nutt. But nobody comes close to Urban Meyer in pointing at shit and looking angry. Observe:
I have no idea what happened before that photograph was snapped, but whatever it was, I'll be certain to not make that mistake again. If you're somehow still wondering why is Urban on top of our list, take the following into consideration: He wins, and wins big. He's got swagger and is pretty much a badass. He knows how to be tough on his players and get results. His wife and daughter are hot. He's willing to be innovative to win, and knows how to play cutthroat without making dumb decisions, Les Miles style. He's got a fratty name.
Seriously, if you wouldn't take him as the head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels in a heartbeat then you're either a bad Rebel or a terribly, terribly ignorant college football fan.

2. Mark Richt (2) - 14pts - 1 - 4
We're Mark Richt fans here. He appears, at least, to be a super classy guy in a profession where it is hard to be good and still have a conscience. He's not the conference's best X's and O's guy, but he has proven to be a super motivator and recruiter. He also has had established success without any interruption. He's not perfect though. He seems to likes Jesus a lot but lets the Odell Thurmans of the world get away with just about anything. Georgia's disciplinary record sends a pretty odd message: "You any good at football? Cool, then you can do whatever you want and face a strict suspension against a I-AA school." Honestly though, that's my kind of morals. Who cares how great your football players are as people? Get out there and win, dammit.

3. Tommy Tuberville (1) - 18pts - 1 - 5
Does anyone else find it interesting that, of the 6 first place votes, half of them went to coaches who haven't won a national championship? Granted, Richt seems poised to win one this season and Tubs was on the receiving end of a royal BCS screw-job, but the fact still remains that neither have actually won a national title. Despite this, Tubs comes in at third for a number of reasons. First, he's the biggest reason for Bama's disappointing slew of seasons which, on the Plains of Alabama, makes him absolutely unflappable. Seriously, who loses to State and makes their fan base forget about it? He's perhaps the best evaluator of talent in the SEC and has rightfully garnered a reputation as a player developer both at Ole Miss and at Auburn. He's ballsy, but not stupid and, while he's not the conference's ballsiest guy (Les Miles takes that title), his keen wit coupled with his guts have truly earned him the "riverboat gambler" moniker. Furthermore, he surrounds himself with a great staff and his defenses are usually fantastic.

4. Steve Spurrier - 22pts - 2 - 6
He's one part fratter, one part cranky old guy, one part gypsy snakecharmer, and all man. If this were the 1990's, he'd be number one by a mile and a half. That's for damn sure. The press conferences alone put him in the upper echelon of SEC coaches. He's the cockiest, snidest, most shit-talkin' head coach in a conference known for cockiness, snideness, and shit-talkin'. A quick Google search yields some fantastically hilarious Spurrier quotes. Also, he's a total chick magnet.

Go get 'em, Steve.

Aside from his brash nature, he's an incredibly accomplished player and coach. He won himself a Heisman before coaching another Heisman winner. He revolutionized the passing game at Florida. He won an ACC Championship at Duke (and, until this season, voted for Duke in every coaches preseason poll for the hell of it), which leads us to believe that he could take anyone, Ole Miss included, to some damn lofty heights. Granted, he's yet to do amazing things at South Carolina, but that job may be more difficult than the Ole Miss job. Think about it. He's in a state with less high school talent; has a possible national title contender in Clemson down the road; and is forced to compete with UGA, Tennessee, and Florida year-in and year-out. While it most certainly won't be immediate, good things are to come for the Gamecocks.
Oh, and he's a helluva golfer. That's gotta count for something.

5 (tie). Miles - 38pts - 4 - 10
As has been said, this guy has huge balls. He takes big gambles, makes EA Sports style play calls in the clutch, and is a dick to the media (but it's in a bizarre way that makes you a tad bit envious). Up until recently, he wouldn't have been ranked so high, but now that he's got a national title to back up his smack talk he's earned this ranking. He recruits really well and has really done an excellent job of motivating the LSU fanbase. To boot, he's not a bullshitter. He told everyone that he wasn't going to Michigan, despite all the rumors to the contrary, and lived up to his word. He even kicked Ryan Perrillouzzxxrrzr, one of LSU's most heralded recruits ever, off of the team for a few dozen counts of thuggery. One of our contributors thew him down at number 10 but is yet to yield his reasoning. I'm certain we're all a bit curious as to why anyone would say he's the 10th best coach in the SEC, but my guess is envy/hatred.

5 (tie). Nick Saban - 38pts - 5 - 8
Him being tied with Les Miles at 5th is likely to piss off both the LSU and Alabama fan bases. But here's a little secret... we at the Cup don't care what they think. "Wah wah wah, RTR Tiguh Bait(eux)" is all I ever hear out of them anyway.
Alright, now, back to the show. Most of us are still waiting on the year two verdict. No matter how you slice it, he had a bad first season at Bama by his standards. However he did recruit well and could have Bama turned around (which nowadays means perhaps beating Auburn) in a couple of seasons. To boot, he has spawned the most bizarre line of "omg we love our coach" apparel outside of Colonel Nutt t-shirts. While he has yet to impress at Bama, he turned LSU into a dynasty and won a BCS title with the Bayou Bengals. In short, he calls a decent
game, motivates well, and cheats, errrrr, recruits like a sumbitch. He has everything one can want in a head coach aside from the fact that he's a huge douche. HUGE douche. HUUUUUUUUUGE. DOUCHE.

7. Houston Nutt - 40pts - 4 - 8
While some may not agree with this ranking, I can't say it's too homerific. Sure, having him as the 4th best coach in the conference might be a stretch, but 7th or 8th isn't so much. At Ole Miss we are certainly excited about the future of our program under Nutt, but this excitement is chiefly due to the misery caused by Hurricane Orgeron. Nutt isn't the conferences best recruiter, nor is he the best X's and O's guy, but he is certainly one of the best, if not the best at motivating his players. Nearly every Arkansas team he assembled beat a team or two that they weren't supposed to beat and he always manages to get a lot out of a little. Arkansas fans will say things like "he boned a weatherlady" and "he tried to break Mitch Mustains feet by giving him odd fitting shoes" but just ignore them. They're not really in the SEC anyway, right? We like the guy because, at Ole Miss and especially in Oxford, we want our coaches to have this sorta "old guy who sits in the front row of church" persona. You know, the guy who makes sure to shake everybody's hand and tell little kids how much they've grown? Yeah, that guy. Houston Nutt is that guy.

8. Phillip Fulmer - 48pts - 5 - 11
Tennessee won the SEC East last year. Has everybody in the whole world completely forgotten this? In fact, in his 15 full seasons as Tennessee's head coach, his Volunteers have finished either first or second in the SEC Eeast all but twice. The fact that Fat Phil is so low on this list, despite having won a national championship and having over a dozen successful years at Tennessee says worlds about the coaching depth in our conference. Furthermore, look at the range of votes he garnered. His highest vote was 5th while his lowest was 11th. Whiskey Wednesday, the gentleman who ranked Fulmer 11th reasoned his choice thusly:

"He probably should be higher, but his playcalling bores the shit out of me, and everybody knows that David Cutcliffe was the glue holding it all together, right? Right? Seriously, though, he won a BCS title, but he might be the worst head coach to win one in our time."

He's also a snitch which, in the views of a few, makes him a terrible, terrible human being.

9. Bobby Petrino - 51pts - 6 - 12
Oh WOW! You won a lot of games in the CUSA and the Big East! That's just thuper duper! Seriously though, he was crap in Atlanta and his potential for success at Arkansas is more limited than it was at Louisville. His competition, both on the field and in terms of recruiting, is at a level he hasn't truly experienced and Arkansas fans will feel some growing pains. Certainly, he is an excellent X's and O's guy, but in this conference he'll prove to be in the middle of the pack as far as that is concerned (Meyer, Spurrier, Richt, and Tuberville all have him beat by a mile). Ryan Mallett should prove to be an immediate boost to Arkansas and the Petrino system after he is waits out his transfer year and, if he can recruit the types of players he'll need for his system, a trip to Atlanta is possible. Hopefully he can do this before either a.) he bolts off to who-knows-where or b.) he's hanged in Fayetteville.

10 (tie). Rich Brooks - 61pts - 7 - 12
Rich Brooks does indeed think this is bullshit. We've got him all the way down here with *cringe* Vanderbilt! He fielded two successful Kentucky teams but, for a guy who won the Paul W. "Bear" Bryant award for taking Oregon to the Rose Bowl in 1994, he hasn't done much in Lexington. Granted, it's a basketball school and Kentucky isn't exactly rife with top notch high school football talent. I dunno, despite Andre Woodson, beating #1 LSU, and all that jazz, the guy's just not terribly impressive. One Man to Beat, the actual journalist here at the Cup, had this to say:

I met him at SEC Media Days, and I thought he was a huge dick to the media. While the media are usually not as intelligent as a coach, you still have to be PR savvy.

I know that it may seem hypocritical for us to praise Spurrier and Miles for babytalking the media while reprimanding Brooks for the same, but he's seriously gotta back up his talk before he can expect anybody to be cool with it.

10 (tie). Bobby Johnson - 61pts - 9 - 12
Oh, Bobby. The ghost of Jay Cutler will forever haunt you. And no, I don't mean a furtive bloggeur with too much time on his hands. Literally mean the specter of what was, at one point, the best quarterback in the SEC. Think about it while we waltz backwards in time. Tebow at Florida (9 wins) and Andre Woodson at Kentucky (8 wins) last year. Leak at Florida the year before that (13 wins, national championship). Cutler at Vanderbilt (5 wins) before that. Jason Campbell at Auburn (14 wins, SEC title, BCS bastard child) and David Greene at Georgia (10 wins) before that. Eli at Ole Miss (10 wins) before that. Et cetera, et cetera, et al, et al.
You see what I'm saying, Bobby. You are literally the only coach in the SEC who cannot win with the conference's (arguably) best quarterback. Sure, I guess if he wanted to and got the chance, he'd go bowling at any other SEC school, but I seriously doubt he'd win big.
I will say this, though: he's a real class act which is what Vanderbilt demands. His players play very hard for him and he fields competitive teams that just don't have what it takes to get over the hump.

12. Sylvester CroomS - 66pts - 10 - 12
Boooooooo! Hisssssss! RATTLE-RATTLE KER-CLACK CLACK KER-KLOW! Hey, nuh-uh, somebody get that shit outta here! This is a damned Ole Miss blog, not a slaughterhouse. Gah, like locusts they are.
Anywho, where were we? Oh yes! Coach Croom is the worst coach in the SEC, and there are a few reasons why. First of all, he's done nothing more than ride the backs of an amazing good luck streak and an above-par defense (yeah, he's an offense guy who runs a terrible offense). True, State did beat Auburn and Alabama; but they only scored 4 touchdowns between both games, 2 of which were defensive. True, State did beat Kentucky, but Kentucky had 10 turnovers. TEN! I'm sure we'll get some comments like "hell yEah we did!!11 and we beet ur ass 2 lol!!" Yep, you did State. Congrats! But remember, we were shitty last season. You beat a shitty football team by a field goal. All of this raises the question of what, besides last season, has Sylvester Croom really accomplished in Starkville? Another reason we dislike Sly Croom is his "character" nonsense. He always makes sure to point out the shortcomings of other teams and their players while completely ignoring his own. He really is a low class guy who's been given a free pass from the media (psssst... it's because he's black). What other coach talks about character after tons of arrests and gets away with it? What coach talks shit about other teams' players' academic issues and gets away with it? Yeah, some Ole Miss players stole some pillows. That's pretty awful. I mean, I'd forive a guy if he assaulted a cop or, I dunno, maybe fired a gun on a college campus within a year of the Virginia Tech shootings but Grand Theft Pillow?! I think NOT!
Truthfully though, I can't decide what's worse. Croom's bullshit, or the folks in Starkghanistan who just lap that nonsense up. RANGY RANG CLACK RATTLE KERCLACK!
Unfortunately, this likely means we at The Red [REDACTED] Cup are a bunch of bigots. Koo-koo-ka-choo.


So, whaddaya think? Agree? Disagree? Let us know.

Just Tradin' Amongst Ourselves

Looking for something to put on that there dorm wall which is so lately bare? Hey Jenny Slater has some brand new merchandise ready for framin' inluding this little gem...


God bless the blogosphere, baby. And God bless you, Sylvester. You are the walrus.

Tuesday Question

Continuing in the "Hard to Write about Football in July" theme, let's try our hand at questions. Today's question is

Who has the most favorable schedule in 2008? Mississippi State or Ole Miss?

Say what you want about Croominator 2.0 (I say he's the walrus), but he appears to have brought the Bulldogs out of the Munchkinland, if not all the way to the Emerald City. And there is little reason to think that State will be demonstrably worse than the Red and Blue in 2008. So, picking which team will boast the best record on November 28 might be a function of which team has the most favorable schedule. If you'd like to do your own coloring before I break out my crayons, check out the schedules for the Dogs here and the Rebs here.

...

Okay, now that we're all up to speed, here are my thoughts (you can leave yours in the comments below, but be mindful not to mention Ouston-Hay Utt-Nay, lest you be bombarded by hog sh*t).

As far as their non-conference shedules go, Ole Miss has three patsies (Memphis, Samford, and UL-Monroe) to Mississippi State's three patsies (at Louisiana Tech, Southeastern Louisiana, and Middle Tennessee State). Louisiana Tech, though, could be considerably better than Memphis, and the game is in Ruston. Mississippi State should still win, but those factors are enough to give 'Titti Tate the Patsy Edge.

Both have one real-live non-conference game in Wake Forest for the Rebels and Georgia Tech for the Bulldogs. The Magnolia teams both travel, and I'm not sure either matches up with their opponent very well. However, Georgia Tech's personnel don't really suit Paul Johnson's 16th-century style of play, and Jim Grobe actually feels kinda confident about his team. Edge: da Rebbahs

Next, let's examine their home conference schedules. Mississippi State has three winnable home conference games in Vanderbilt, Kentucky, and Arkansas, and they should be favored against the cellar-dweller twins. Ole Miss, similarly, has three winnable home conference games against Vanderbilt, South Carolina, and Mississippi State. Auburn visits Starkville and Oxford this season, resulting in poorly-selling t-shirts in East Alabama proclaiming themselves to be "Mississippi State Champs!" In this category, the two teams really wash.

Finally, the teams must play away games. Ole Miss travels to Gainesville, Tuscaloosa, Fayetteville, and Baton Rouge, while the Fightin' Crooms shoot up Baton Rouge, Knoxville, Tuscaloosa, and Oxford. This is where Mississippi State has a demonstrably easier schedule. The twin trips to Tiger town might wash, but few things sound less pleasing than playing Tebow in the Swamp. It might not be easy winning on Rocky Top, but it's easier than beating the Gators in Gainesville. Meanwhile, history plays against the Rebels in Tuscaloosa. State has beaten Alabama a total of 17 times, 9 in Tuscaloosa (including 2 in a row). Meanwhile, the Rebels still sport a meager 9 wins against the Tide all-time, with (I think) 2 big wins in Tuscaloosa. Again, a slight edge for State. Finally, State's visit to Oxford will be much less stressful than when the Rebels and (he who shant be mentioned) have to go to Fayetteville. Edge: Ole Miss

So, because it's easier to find wins in conference road games, I hereby declare Mississippi State to be the 2008 Soft Schedule Runners-Up (I'm lookin' at you Southern Miss)!

A Bit Harsh

I understand that living in Starkville is a difficult thing to do. I've been there. Seen it. Smelled it.

It drives some to drink, others to indiscriminate barnyard sex, and still others to breaking out their firearms and discharging them into the night. It can also, apparently, drive someone to delusions regarding what is and is not a serious offense against the laws of the State of Mississippi.

Mike "Shoot 'Em Up" Brown, the former Mississippi State football player who spent at least one Friday night gang-banging (the pistol kind, not the internet porn kind) out near, I suppose, the cattle field with his teammate Quinton Wesley, complained in The Daily Journal today that sentencing had been a little rough on him. "That was pretty harsh and all," Brown told Kyle Veazey of the Clarion-Ledger. "First offense, getting a felony."

Which part of Sylvester Croom's legendary discipline regimen instills in young men the virtuous belief that not just possessing, but actually using guns on college campuses is worthy of something less than probation? I guess the topic "The Current Societal Mood Regarding the Discharge of Firearms on University Campuses" must have been covered the same day Croom neglected to discuss the pros and cons of assaulting police officers.

"I mean it's not like I stole pillows or anything," Brown said.

He didn't actually say that, but it would have been a gall-darn hoot if he had.

Corralling the West: LSU, Arky (fixed), and State

The SEC truly is the conference which writes its own tabloid entries. That's why we're going to occasionally focus on what's going on around the conference to fill you, our faithful readers, in on the SEC scuttlebutt with a bit of boozed-up Ole Miss spin.

LSU: As you've surely heard, Perrilouxzzr is gone. Apparently missing class, skipping team meetings, avoiding coaches, screaming at strip club patrons, defending your pregnant baby momma's honor at a fine nighttime entertainment venue shithole club in Baton Rouge, using fake ID's to get onto casino floors, helping a buddy kick in an apartment door, conducting a lot of glaucoma research, and allegedly being involved in a counterfeiting scheme was the last straw for Les "el Sombrero" Miles. The former 5-star/Orgeronian wet dream will now be looking to utilize his football skills elsewhere and rumor has it that 1-AA Jacksonville St. is interested. I know it may initially seem foolish on the part of the baby-Gamecocks but they could easily clean Perrilouxzzr up if they're willing to do a little preparation ahead of time.
Take, for example, counterfeiting. The way I see it, the process of counterfeiting follows a very simple formula: X + Y = FrEe MoNeY!!!1~
Eliminate X or Y, and there you have it, problem solved (probably not).

ARKANSAS: Bobby Petrino is a douche. In a complete move of utter douche-dom, Petrino and ultra-douche QB Ryan Mallet (brush your God damned teeth) petitioned the NCAA to waive the 1 year of inactivity Mallet would have to endure as a transfer from another division 1-A school. The NCAA said no. What the fuck Petrino? Did you think you could just woo your way out of this one? While you're not too keen on sticking to your guns/word/blood-oaths, the NCAA is. Mallet, despite having a neato ultra-douchey website, will have to sit out like everybody else. Deal with it.

MSU: The saga of the Starkville-shootout ended yesterday with the sentencing of Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley. They both received suspensions or probations or some kind of slap-on-the-wrist nonsense typical of NCAA athlete trials and will probably end up seeing the field this fall. Oktibbeha County Circuit Court Judge Lee Howard said of his lenient sentencing, "I mean, yeah, they were firing off guns on a college campus, but it's not like they swiped pillows from a Holiday Inn or something." Coach CroomS, when reached for comment, fought through tears to say "They're such.... *sob* great young men.... such *sob* character.... MAROON!" He then grabbed the nearest flag he could find and immediately began to reaffirm everyone that he may be the most bizarre coach in a conference of bizarre coaches.

We lost to that?

...Ole Miss (part 2 of Tuesday's "We Are...")

After pouting about last night's post for a little while, I was struck with the urge to get dranked out of my cotton-pickin' mind. So I did. And I didn't sleep much. As I finally settled into bed, though, I thought about the events that I would use to finish this article. I admit it, I wrote the first half without thinking it all the way through. Anyways, it astounded me that not only did these final five events come to my head with such immediacy, but that they all happened in the same year. Jesus. Before I continue though, serious thanks go out to the guys at NAFOOM for plugging our blog on the board today. You can't buy (nor could we afford) that kind of advertising. So without further ado...

5. Baseball team is ranked #4 preseason, only to drop games against such impressive opponents as Central Arkansas, Western Kentucky, and Southern Miss, while losing series against TCU, Florida, Alabama, and South Carolina. While maybe not the disaster it once seemed (the Diamond Rebs have since climbed back to #21), complaining about being ranked below Arizona State now seems a little silly. Defense, hitting, and pitching have all been suspect for the Rebels, which would seem strange, excepting for the fact that Mike Bianco claimed that this was his most talented squad ever, thus bringing upon them the ire of the sports gods. Though the team has stumbled their way back into contention for a regional host site, the fan experience has become less about the game and more about pounding back beers until compelled to piss on the tennis courts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Speaking of lofty expectations...

4. Basketball team ranked #15 midseason, only to fall to LSU, Auburn (twice!!!), South Carolina, etc., etc. Basketball season was a long, unusual, and unsatisfying cock tease this year... David Huertas, billed as a sensational shooter, and heir apparent to... uh (quick, who was the last great Ole Miss basketball player? Anyone?), no one, I guess, ended up a major disappointment for all but about five games, leaving the weight on the shoulders of a man who makes Todd Abernathy look like the Incredible Hulk. Coming off another season in football hell, and off to a 14-0 start, it seemed safe to assume good things about the Rebs' postseason chances. We all know how that turned out. Anyways, like most good Ole Miss failures, apologists abound, using excuses that justify such collapses. We weren't supposed to be good anyway. The boys tried hard. Wait till next year.

3. 4th & 1: Surely Sylvester Croom crafted his Egg Bowl victory celebration for maximum irony and Ole Miss fan annoyance. After a banner year of player misconduct, even for State, Croom fakes his way to a win and the first thing he can choke out is: "They have so much character..." Sly's tears subsided long enough for him to stumble around Scott Field waving a giant MSU flag in a state of elation totally becoming of someone who, like Croom, makes 6 or 7 figures and can NEVER. BE. FIRED. All this ballyhoo is of course caused by an agonizingly inevitable chain of mental failures by one Ed 'the Orgeron' Orgeron. After building a sizable lead by playing aggressive defense and creative, misdirection offense, O decides to run up the middle out of the I formation and to start coaching his defense with all the subterfuge of Art Kaufman and the tenacity of Chuck Driesbach. This prompted, of course, a series of punts, one of which was a low rocket that landed gently in the hands of one Derek Pegues, who waltzed in largely untouched to tie the game. Oops. The decision to try for the 1st on 4th and 1 was largely inconsequential. Yes, it was probably too risky. But regardless of punt, turnover on downs, or first down Ole Miss, the outcome would likely have been the same for the Rebels, who proved through all 12 games that poor decision making and shit luck do not make a good pair.

2. Daytime Fireworks: Fireworks, according to Wikipedia, "were originally invented by the Chinese, for entertainment purposes, as a natural extension of the Chinese invention of gunpowder." Browsing further down the article, I noticed, among several breathtaking pictures of fireworks shows, one hell of a coincidence: it was night time in ALL of the pictures! Every last one! Looking further into this quandary, I found that most fireworks considered appropriate for midday use included small consumer devices such as smoke bombs, bottle rockets, and black cats, which rely more on sound that light effects. I also read (and I recommend that wikipedia check their sources on this one) that fireworks can be DANGEROUS, and should be used with a certain degree of advanced planning and caution! How wacky! Anyways, point is, I can't describe the upwelling of emotion and pride in my alma mater that I felt when I beheld the wonderful display of black smoke and artillery fire that arose from some unspecified place right outside Vaught Hemingway stadium, alarming the senile and boring everyone else. What an appropriate way to celebrate a long overdue fundraising effort with a poor marketing campaign during a noonday skulldragging at the hands of our beloved Razorback brethren! You also have to love the symbolism behind nearly blowing up the jumbotron and sound system, at the possible peril of unwilling bystanders. A real classy touch. After all, its the REDBLUE in you!!! I'm starting to see how getting my marketing degree from Ole Miss is about as ironic as getting a degree in dental medicine from West Virginia.

1a. Doyle Jackson and 'the catch:' where does one even start? This one has all the trappings: A loss to Alabama, corrupt officials, conspiracy within the SEC office, angry drunken students, a country song, and a single red slipper, and the single greatest screw job in sports for 2007. Without recapping all the gory details, we got hosed, and the entire SEC knows it. Fuck you, Doyle, burn in hell.

1b. Changing the culture of alcohol: although the Bama game was certainly the most agonizing Ole Miss event of 2007/8, C.T.C.O.A. has to be the most fitting. Caught in a perpetual struggle betwixt GOB's and progressives, with a healthy dose of idiots in between, something Ole Miss folks could generally always agree on was that we like to get shithoused, together, in nice clothing. In reaction to complaints by alumni about drunk students getting in the way of their children's razor scooter races through the Grove on Saturdays, it became increasingly clear to the Chancellor that even this point of agreement was in jeopardy, and a very convoluted plan was in order. The plan, one of the many provisions of which allows liquor but not beer in the Grove, could not be aimed more squarely at allowing alumni to drink unimpeded unless the only permitted beverages were top-shelf scotch and Cristal mimosas. Past the liquor/beer rule, shit gets really weird. A guidebook of How to Permissibly Drink Underage at Ole Miss ought to be handed out at orientation. I don't have a damn clue how it works... Thus, having confused the shit out of everyone and rid campus of the greatest threat known to humanity, RK was left at peace to continue knocking down the houses of Asian families to build a new law school that we don't really need.

That's a wrap, folks, enjoy your weekend, except on Sundays, and without any open containers, or beer on the Northeast side of campus, and with a lock on your coolers...

Kendrick Hardy: An Addendum

While my lesser-intelligent counterpart pointed out that Kendrick Hardin (sic) made a relatively interesting statement about the only position at which we will have 2 4+ star players and 3 3-star players for depth next year, I noticed a much funnier quote in the article.

The following statement occurred after HARDY had visited Mississippi State for their spring game.

""It was good. They ran the ball a couple of times. When they passed the ball; they mostly threw int's but their coaches seemed into it."

I guess Mississippi State's coaches have resigned themselves to enjoy when they throw interceptions. A recent study from Scientific Proof Magazine determined that happiness adds years to the end of your life. With the recent joy he has found in his offense's turnovers, after next season, Croom will live until he's 400.

Big-boned Bulldogs

According to an irreputable e-Zine an organization of journalists of the highest quality and integrity, Mississippi State is the third fattest university in America. This comes to no shock to me after having tasted their delicious cheeses (yes, they've got us beat in cheese) and homemade chocolate milk on-tap at the school's cafeteria. Furthermore, this also comes as no shock when observing the girth of one Slyvester Croom.

I know, the logic behind said assessment is fairly flawed when considering the lack of the Universities of Tennessee or Kansas on the aforementioned list, but work with me here. They breed 'em fat out there in Starkville, and God, Allah, Yaweh, or haphazard-forces-of-Darwinism be praised! Somebody's gotta make sure my Mississippi State brand ricotta is extra lumpy.

You know those Bulldogs aren't a bit ashamed of this either. They're probably starting sumo clubs and opening more buffets just so everyone can know that they are the pride and joy of the Morrill Land Grant group of universities.



Mississippi State: As proud of it's collective girth as Wierd Al

Mississippi State's Offense: As Potent as Ginger Ale

Coach CroomS and his band of Bulldogs concluded spring practice this weekend with the annual Maroon and White game and, per SI, Mississippi State is slated to have a terribly anemic offense for the second season running.

"I'm not judging anything based on today," CroomS said after the game. Unfortunately for him, everyone else doesn't work that way and the writing is all over the wall: your offense sucks, again.

Robert Elliot, heir apparent to the impossible-to-fill-throne left vacant by Jerious Norwood two seasons ago and "rocker of the two" only rushed for a pathetic 15 yards, the highest rushing total of any back State put out there. Furthermore, the Maroon (1st team) offense committed four turnovers and no kicker successfully attempted a field goal. The scrimage ended at 0-0 and had to go into an overtime to determine a "winner."

Of course we could sit here and talk about the virtues of a good, playmaking defense and fill our heads with delusions like "defense wins championships" but let's not kid ourselves, an offense like this must be agonizing for a fanbase.

The seeming offensive MVP of the spring game was White team quarterback Tyson Lee who was 12 of 21 for 127 yards with an interception.... during a fake game. And yes, the puppies are drooling over this. The astute "leeinator" of Gene's Page even compared Lee to Mizzou's Heisman contending Chase Daniel saying that he seemed "not real tall, but pretty darn quick, strong arm, reasonably accurate. Just seemed to make a play when there wasn't much there. Looked as good as anything I've seen on our team within the last year."

And speaking of last year, many of us (Alabama?) will recall how State's defense provides for narrow, bullshit-laden victories and must-changethechannel-TV. Yes, State did go to a bowl game and yes, they won. But keep in mind that the best team the CUSA could muster up had a defense powerful enough to keep State out of the endzone until the 4th quarter.





How in Hell did Kentucky, Alabama, Auburn and (yes) we Rebels lose to that? If the spring game is an indicator of anything (when realistically it isn't, but let's just pretend), I'm guessing Starkville will be even more depressing this upcoming fall.

Mississippi State offense, you've been CROOMZXOR3D!!!1~

Euphamism Makes Guns Safer

Left Tackle Michael Brown and Defensive Tackle Quinton Wesley have been dismissed from Mississippi State's football team pending an investigation into a "campus incident involving two handguns."

According to The Cup's sources, Brown and Wesley brandished their weapons outside the residence of out-going Mississippi State President Robert "Doc" Foglesong yelling, "You got Croomed! You got Croomed!"

When asked why Brown and Wesley were dismissed rather than suspended, paragon of virtue and head football coach Sylvester Croom responded, "Because they don't run as fast as Derek Pegues."