Post-Game Report: Samford (seriously??)

A well distributed factoid around the Ole Miss camp this week was that the last time Samford played a BCS opponent, a mediocre Georgia Tech team with a soon-to-be unemployed coach hung 69 points on them. So we, being the good little sports god-fearing Ole Miss fans we are, optimistically hoped for a 50-spot on our side of the box score and a few passing attempts by Billy Tapp, as well as some kids from the Make-a-Wish Foundation getting late snaps at wide receiver (did I just make that joke? What is wrong with me?). Well, guess who scored the first touchdown of the game, to take a first quarter lead? That would be the Bulldogs of Samford. Guess who had to pass downfield to have a decent chance at a first down, because running up the middle garnered mixed results at best? That would be the Rebels of Ole Miss. What went wrong here? I've got an idea or three:

Jevan Snead: please tell me you got plastered and slept with four different sorority girls last night. Please? Honestly, the pass rush was in his face all night (and how embarrassing is that, Michael Oher and co.?), but Snead didn't do a great job of making checks at the line to adjust for blitzes. Hopefully, this was just a result of vanilla playcalling and lack of motivation. And seriously, Jevan, Lionel Breaux is STILL hung out to dry on that five-yard hook. Bring that shit down.

Running backs: Really? We have five backs on our team that would, in theory, start for Samford. None were impressive tonight. Eason hits the hole with all the tenacity and timing of a 16 year old in the back of his mom's borrowed minivan on prom night (last Dennis Miller-esque joke of the night, promise). Bolden appeared to be limited, and his primary vehicle, the Wild Rebel, was left in the garage. And as a note to all 5 backs: shoestring tackles need to be broken, folks. This is the SEC you're playing in.

Offensive line: as it stands, probably the most overrated unit in the SEC. 'Soft' would be a compliment, a goal to strive for, at this point. Almost 1600 pounds of bulk spread out amongst five men with over 100 starts between them in the SEC, and we can't beat down Samford's defensive line? Markuson isn't sleeping well right now, and neither is Michael Oher.

The offensive playcalling was extremely boring, and that shouldn't have mattered. Just execute. Execute against a team with less talent than the scout team that impersonated them all week.

Defense... Where do you start here? For most of the second half, Samford held a 5-minute advantage over UM in time of possession. Blame this on a defense that was unable to stay on assignment all night. Sure, we busted a few plays in the backfield, but where were the turnovers? There wasn't a play that seemed close to a Samford turnover. The desire to actually hit someone seemed a tertiary goal, at best. Houston Nutt can't be happy with Tyrone Nix, can he?

Special teams: glad to see Marshay take a punt to the house, and in impressive fashion. I still haven't decided if that makes up for the punt he should've taken back earlier. Let me set up this scenario for those who missed it: Green takes the punt, finds that his blockers have completely sealed off their slower, more Baptist counterparts, and the only thing between him and the endzone is a portly little fellow in white and a speedy blocker in blue. What happens? An awkward, three man collision, you say? Well, how did you guess? Seriously, folks, I'd have taken that punt back in my flip flops without losing my Aviators or getting my polo sweaty.

Enough with the detailed statistical analysis, though. What all this boils down to, scientifically, is that this game was a load of HORESESHIT! Defense, don't come waving your arms around trying to pump the fans up in the face of this all-male pillow fight. Entertain me. Hit someone so hard that they regret the day they first touched a football. And offense? This was supposed to be an All-You-Can-Score Buffet, and once again, I left hungry, and pissed off at my townie waiter. Did Nutt do this to the team on purpose, so he could yell at them all week in preparation for Vanderbilt? Did he take off all week to help his least-attractive daughter make a diorama of the solar system for school? Here I am, wracking my brain, thinking of ways NOT to score 40 against Samford, and I got nothin'.


On a brighter note:

Narrowly edging out rH0d3$+@r, a bow-tie-clad fratter named Vince gets the weekly 'Awesomest Drunk Guy in My General Vicinity' award. Thanks for your light-hearted yet caustic display of profanities; it made me want to gouge my eyes out a little bit less. Congrats, Vince, and thanks to all of those who played.

fUcK yOu oHiO sTaTe, and Fight On, USC. That is all. I'm really dying to see USC take on Florida or Mizzou in the BCS championship.

Dear MSU: I have to admit it. I don't trust you to lose games in the fashion to which we all became accustomed. You played a hell of a defensive game against Auburn, apparently, and I had to see the body to really believe you were dead. Still: HA HA HA... HA.

May Madness

That's right. It's that time of the year again, when all attention turns away from life as we know it and to the biggest, most hyped tournament of the year--the NCAA Tennis Tournament. After the first two rounds, which were held in baseball-style regionals, the remaining teams are ready to head to Tulsa, OK, for the Sweet 16. Yes, that includes Ole Miss (see the updated bracket).

Oxford Regional: I'll begin with a run-down of the Oxford Regional. The Rebs played the Marist Red Foxes in the first round of the tournament. I guess the closest basketball analogy is a 15 vs. 2 opening round game (and not one of those close ones). Demoralized fairly quickly, the Foxes were retired within two hours of play as multiple Rebels dropped only a single game or none at all. Afterwards, Vanderbilt and Indiana fought through a down-to-the-wire, four-hour-long match that finally ended when Vandy's Vijay Paul came back from three match points in the third set tiebreaker to live another day.

But only one more day: The Commodores moved on to face the Rebels, who won their regular season meeting 6-1, on Sunday. In doubles, Erling and Jonas just couldn't find their groove to get a break and dropped 8-6. On Court 2 after coming back from two breaks down, Matthias and Bram lost a tough tiebreaker to give Vandy the lead 1-0. The Rebels returned to the court for singles "with a little revenge" on their minds, according to Jonas Berg. The Rebs swept through the first set on every court and won on the bottom four courts with no visible struggle to advance to the Sweet 16.


What lies ahead: As it stands, the Rebs are set to play on Friday morning against North Carolina, whom we should handle with relative ease, having already taken them down 4-1 early in the season. In their second round match against Duke, UNC won via the doubles point and courts 4, 5, and 6 in singles (i.e. the same way Ole Miss frequently operates). That won't happen with Berg, Norberg, and ten Berge rounding out the bottom half--in any order. That would pit the Rebels against the winner of Georgia and Pepperdine, both renowned tennis programs.

Overall bracket: Claiming the top five seeds were Virginia, Ohio State, UCLA, Georgia, and Ole Miss, respectively. How do I feel about these seedings, specifically that Ole Miss and Georgia have reversed positions from their actual national rankings? Well, I have no problem with the selection committee's (I'm assuming a similar entity exists for tennis.) choice of Georgia over us. They're a pretty stacked team, and we tend to have a tough time against them. In fact, I'd prefer a six or seven seed just to get us to the other side of the bracket so that we could avoid Georgia and Virginia until the finals. Ohio St., UCLA, and USC present no problem in my mind--all year, I've wanted a rematch against Ohio St., and I just generally have no respect for teams in the PAC-10.

So far, my bracket is panning out far better than its March equivalent, as expected. The noticeable absence of upsets makes the task far simpler. In fact, only one host team did not advance to the Sweet 16. Who is it? In the unfortunate twist of the tournament, Tulsa, the team hosting every remaining match, missed out on this incredible opportunity for home-court advantage. Isn't it ironic...don't you think?