Thanks ESPN Front Page

Click this.

Just what we need.

Let's write a story about Mississippi and racism. Way to think "Outside the Lines".

Rebel Roundup: Weekend Preview, Uncouth Jokes, DVD's

Baseball Season Begins - I'm getting all warm inside just thinking about it. I've got "The Summer of '69" stuck in my head, the imaginary scent of overcooked hotdogs wafting into my nostrils, and visions of homerun balls dinging unobservant women in the head. It's going to be tough being so far from Swayze for the first time ever, but hopefully the Cup will give me a legitimate way to vicariously enjoy this team's success. As has been blogged, our baseball correspondents, One Man to Beat and Brian Walker's Elbow, will be heading down to Mobile to indulge in fresh oysters, Mardi Gras, and the Coca Cola Classic. Hopefully their coverage of this weekend will give you an idea of the baseball coverage you can expect from the Cup this season. Oh, and if anybody is curious as to what our ad revenue goes towards, it's tickets to these kinds of things. Thanks e-Rebels and Fayetteville public library patrons!

Speaking of Baseball - Baseball America has a kickass piece on the facility upgrades going on all accross the NCAA baseball world. It's definitely worth your time. The slideshows and quotes from the coaches make it pretty evident that college baseball is slowly but surely becoming more and more important to the various university athletic programs. Our upgrades are pretty damned impressive as are Michigan's, Texas', LSU's, and South Carolina's.

"Celebrating" 100 Years of Rebel Basketball - This Saturday against the Georgia Bulldogs, the Rebels will be celebrating the centennial of our *ahem* storied basketball program. If you're in or near Oxford, be there. You're not too good to watch Basketball, especially when the closest thing to a guaranteed win in the SEC rolls into town.

"One Heartbeat" DVD on Sale Now - Only Ole Miss would make a highlight DVD of a 9-4 season. Ok, now that I've got that snarky stuff out of the way, it would be nice to own a single DVD with the Florida game, LSU game, Egg Bowl, and Cotton Bowl on it so this DVD isn't that bad of a deal.

Reader Submissions are all in Good Humor - Hunter sent this one in:

If you've got issues with this, I understand, but allow me to quote a line from the award-winning Broadway show "Avenue Q:"

Ethnic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!

If a puppet from the Lower East Side gets it, then why can't you, huh? Thanks again to the ever diligent Hunter for his reader submission.

The SEC is Lightyears Ahead of the Ivy League

...with regards to minority coaching!

Y'all already know my feelings on this subject. If this doesn't further prove my point then I don't know what will. Of course, I shouldn't diminish Tom Williams' accomplishment just to prove my point so I send him, his family, and Yale my congratulations. Looking at his resume, he's had some pretty solid assistant jobs (Washington, Stanford, Jacksonville Jaguars) and could do well for the Bulldogs.

A Bloggeur's Rant on Minority Coaching, Southern Stereotypes, et al

Hey, did you know that Syracuse turned Turner Gill down? Yes, the program which most resembles the bombed-out and depleted Afghan countryside turned down the man who coached Division 1A’s previous Afghan lookalike to a conference championship.

What, you didn’t know? Well, why in the hell not?

Oh yeah, because you couldn’t hear over Charles Barkely (and others) crying “race” because of Auburn’s snubbing of Gill for Gene Chizik.

Was racism involved in the whirlwind circus that was the Auburn head coaching search? It’s hard to say for sure, but I, for one, would be inclined to think so. Of course, the fans, players, university, and athletics administrators could not likely care less about their head coach’s ethnicity (and I mean this with absolute sincerity). The network of G.O.B. boosters which exist at many, many schools including Auburn and who ultimately control who are and aren’t hired are the likely source of this problem. Yes, crusty, old, white men who still think the world works in a way akin to an episode of Leave it to Beaver likely don’t take incredibly kindly to minorities; especially the empowered variety who decide to *gasp* marry white people.

It is a problem and it is real.

But why is it that in many, many sports issues when the SEC is involved, race immediately becomes an issue?

Let’s be frank: a great deal of unwarranted pressure is placed on the SEC with regards to minority coaching. Nebraska turned Gill down last season and, as previously mentioned, Syracuse did the same this season. Yet, nobody’s out to paint the Big XII or Big East as racists. Neither the Big XII, Pac 10, Big 10, Big East, nor the SEC have black head coaches. The only black head coach in BCS football is Miami’s Randy Shannon who, after doing an excellent job thus far in rebuilding the proud Hurricanes program, has just as much job security as the next guy.

Maybe this is because, as the nation’s premier conference (don’t even get me started, Big XII dissenters), all eyes are upon us.

Maybe this is because the talking heads both really seem to like Tommy Tuberville and Turner Gill. While they’re both certainly deserving of media love, the admiration could explain the heightened attention to the situation.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is because the idea of the SEC being populated (or perhaps simply controlled) by a slew of bigots fits neatly in the ideas and perceptions many have about the South. Let’s be honest: we’re supposed to be backwards, racist, illiterates who have but the slightest clue of modern technology. The fact that our football conference leads the college football universe in attendance, revenue generation, NFL star production, BCS titles, and TV deals (ESPN = the new SEC network) does not fit into these preconceived notions.

Look, America is confusing. Never before have so many different peoples been so agreeably and successfully unified. We’re all so very different yet all so very alike. Because of this confusion, people fabricate ideas (poor, racist Southerners; arrogant, latté-sipping Bay Area dwellers; rude, smartassed New Yorkers; et cetera) in an attempt to make sense of everything and, when these prejudices don’t exactly work out as hoped, they freak out a little.

In all fairness, many people couldn’t give much more of a shit. But to pretend as if anti-Southern prejudices do not exist is some real-deal, Auburn-booster-style ignorance.

Racism certainly is a problem in college football, but it’s certainly not as big of a problem as the Charles Barkleys of the world would have you believe. Furthermore, the problem is not isolated to a particular geography. You’d be ignorant to suggest otherwise.

How can it be fixed?

Honestly, I feel this problem will remedy itself over the next few seasons. Many (white) head coaches have hired diverse assistant coaching staffs which have put several minority coaches on the fast track to head coaching status. As we all know, being a majorly contributing coordinator is the easiest way to get your foot in the door to becoming a head coach. Schools are hesitant to hire folks with little experience and success beyond the coordinator level regardless of race. If a concerted effort was placed in preparing minority candidates for eventual head coaching roles instead of simply crying “race” when big-name programs don’t put all their eggs in an inexperienced, overvalued basket we would relatively quickly and agreeably eliminate this issue.

There are plenty of deserving candidates of varying backgrounds for numerous coaching positions across the country. If the fans, players, and administrators had a greater say in these matters, I feel we’d be able to realize this more clearly.


To coach Gill: you'll get your shot one day. Keep-on keepin'-on with that wifey of yours.

A Jackie Robinson for Our Times

SRSLY?

Okay, I'll bite.

Yesterday at Big East Media Day, which would have been otherwise completely insignificant, Pat White, senior quarterback for the 'Eers, complained that there were no black players on the WVU Baseball Team and said that head coach Greg Van Zandt "wasn't too high on it."

"It," assumedly being either "recruiting people who play baseball well regardless of their color" or "not getting fired for operating outside the confines of federal law."

The CNN article linked above reported statistics like the percent black population in West Virginia (3.3) and the percent of black Division I baseball players (5.7). What CNN failed to report is how this RRRRRRRRACISM has infiltrated other other facets of West Virginia and American life including the Mountaineer Swimming Team (get your mind out of the discriminatory gutter), the Mountaineer Rifle Team (sweet stereotypical sassifrass!), and even THE UNITED STATES SENATE!!! (though to a lesser degree).

Hey, Pat White, I know it must suck thinking about all the money you're going to be making in, oh like nine months, but why don't you suck it up, join a softball league, and realize that NOT EVERY conglomeration of persons made up primarily or entirely of one shade of skin or another is so composed because someone is out to get you.

Discussion's over, we're gettin' ads!

If they all look like this, of course.

One can either click or pray to Allah for biggification.

On one of the many Rebel message boards out there I saw a plug for Rebel Talk, a new set of Ole Miss forums. When I went to check it out, that's what I saw. How does this happen? I'm not a peruser of pornography, let alone burka-free blasphemy. I don't utilize any sort of online dating service. Hell I'm not even Arabic! Anyway, I thought it was odd and amusing enough to warrant a screenshot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for my date with Mubhina Al-Musheen tonight. We're going to see WALL-E.


P.S. - I need a fuckin' football fix right away, if you can't tell.

A Red [REDACTED] Cup History Lesson

According to many folks on the outside looking in, we're a bunch of bigots. Oftentimes, folks in Starkville, Baton Rouge, Tuscaloosa, and other places make said argument. But, are they justified in doing so? Let's look at the facts.

FACT: Ole Miss was integrated before Mississippi State.

FACT: Ole Miss was integrated before LSU.

FACT: Ole Miss was integrated in the same year as Alabama. Granted, Alabama was integrated a whopping two-and-a-half months before Ole Miss in a much less violent (albeit still controversial) fashion.

FACT: According to statistics available through the Princeton Review, only Mississippi State (19%) can boast a ratio of black students higher than ours (13%) among the aforementioned (Alabama has an 11% ratio while LSU stands at 9%). Maybe this statistic is misleading because Mississippi, as a state, has a higher ratio of blacks than both Alabama and Louisiana but it still somewhat demonstrates a point.

This raises a question: why are we the bigots? Oh yeah, the Rebels team name, Confederate flag, Dixie, and Colonel Reb. We wacky Mississippians just can't seem to get that whole "Civil War" thing out of our damn minds! Faulkner was right in that, down here "the past isn't dead. It isn't even past." It is true that Colonel Reb is no longer an official symbol of the university, Confederate flags are not flown in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, and the playing of Dixie is quite limited, but we Rebels are still unashamedly proud of our Southern history and heritage. Really though, how hard are we clinging to our past, relatively speaking? Are we the only ones with vestiges from the Civil War lingering in the back of our collective mind?

The short answer is, of course, no.

While we may be more "direct" with our approach to Southern history, for many of the schools and fan-bases in the former Confederate States to fault us is quite hypocritical. Let's take a few examples I more-or-less thought up off of the top of my head and verified (sorta) with Wikipedia.

First, the North Carolina Tar Heels. The University of North Carolina General Alumni Association provides a nice etymology of the term and reveals that, while the term is quite old, it first gained popularity during the Civil War. The legend has it that a regiment of North Carolina's troops taunted a recently defeated group of Virginians by telling them that they needed to put tar in their heels so they would "stick better in the next fight." The term then became used to describe North Carolinians as a whole, alluding to the idea that the soldiers and people of North Carolina weren't exactly the type to back down in a fight. During the war and thereafter, the term was essentially a badge of honor for North Carolinians. Yet, no one is clamoring for the removal of the Tar Heels moniker.

Next up, Auburn. "War Eagles" were used by forces on both sides of the Civil War as scouts and mascots. While the true origin of Auburn's mascot and battle cry is shrouded in uncertainty, legend has it that the first eagle mascot was a former confederate bird who had been rescued from the battlefield and nursed back to health. When he began flying over the stadium during a defeat of the rival Georgia Bulldogs, he was viewed as symbol of good luck (a much cooler version of Mississippi State's cow story). The War Eagle is obviously reminiscent of the Confederacy, yet is not at all viewed as offensive.

Then there's LSU. These assholes have no room to talk. While I may have been stretching a bit with the aforementioned Civil War references, the history of the Louisiana Fightin' Tigers is well documented. Just check this out. The Louisiana Infantry of the Army of Northern Virginia were called, by Lee himself, the "Tigers" for their ferocity in combat and their ultra neat striped pants. The LSU Tiger mascot is an obvious homage to these bygone times. Toss in Louisiana's racial history (even recent events such as Jena Six or the aftermath of Katrina) and you've got quite a confusing situation. Most of these elements of LSU are hardly ever mentioned whereas one would be hard pressed to find a lot of media coverage about Ole Miss which doesn't mention our tumultuous past. While some people are indeed crying race (eh, not really) on this one, LSU has come nowhere close to the crucifixion upon a cross of political correctness that Ole Miss has had to endure.

Have these schools done anything wrong? Not at all. So why are we so evil? We've really cleaned up our act in the last 10 years or so but yet, many still insist that tailgating in the Grove is akin to Klan rallies. Some may wonder as to what the solution to all of this is. Well, short of hopping the the nearest Delorean and removing all Civil War references from the get-go or, better yet, using a more subtle reference than "Rebels," there's nothing we can do.

That is, of course, excluding the option of telling our would be finger-pointers to fuck themselves, but I'll leave that one up to you.

Post Scriptum: as you can tell, we've got a lot of time on our hands. 75 days until kickoff, bitches.

We stalk you through the intrawebs

If you'll look at the bottom of our right-hand side menu you'll see that we've installed a small hit counter. For every IP address that views our page in a certain time period it registers one hit and adds it to the total visitor count (12,500 as of this morning). Furthermore it enables us to, in shockingly incredible depth, view all sorts of information about our visitors. For example, we can see which posts are the most popular, which websites have been linking to us, and what operating systems our visitors are using among many, many other things.

The best feature of all of this, in my opinion, is the ability to see what Google search terms were used to locate our site. While a few dozen "red[REDACTED]cup" and "red [REDACTED] cup blog" searches a day (just bookmark our site, seriously) constitute the majority of these search terms, we'll get a few really bizarre searches every now and then.

For example:

• [REDACTED] Cup Related searches- Understandably, we get a lot of searches which are related more to plastic drinking containers than to Ole Miss sports. Many of these Googlers are curious as to the nature of the [REDACTED] cup ("how big are [REDACTED] cups" and "how wide is the top of a [REDACTED] cup") whereas others are curious as to the fortunes raked in by the barons of the picnic supplies industry ("[REDACTED] cup heir").
• "orange county choppers"- This Google search yields approximately 3.3 million results. After looking through the first few pages of the results of this search I've seen the official Orange County Choppers website (more than once), Wikipedia articles, YouTube videos, and a myriad of other things which shine favorable light on these douche rockets. How many pages this user had to sift through to stumble upon our blog which only mockingly mentions these bikes in passing is beyond me. Furthermore, if those were his search terms, what was this person looking for? All of the information you could want on these motorcycles are on the first few pages of this search. This one simply baffles me.
  
• "[REDACTED] say it ain't so" - Initially, I was going to put this in the first listing. "How does this have anything to do with cups," I asked myself. To see the link between this search and our site, I plugged it into Google and realized that this inquisitor was not curious about plastic cups as I had previously assumed but, rather, he was looking for tablature related to Weezer's "Say it Ain't So." Honestly, I'm rather ashamed that I initially made such a false assumption. I've drunkenly played enough Rock Band to know this song back and forth...on plastic-button guitar, that is.
• "patrick willis virginia marijuana" - When I first saw this, I had a reaction similar to "what the fuck is P Willie doing in Virginia?" It turns out, a fella named Patrick from Willis, Virginia recently plead guilty to felony Marijuana possession charges. While I have nothing against even the stickiest of the icky, I don't see Patrick Willis as much of a weed smoker so this one threw me for quite a loop.
• "top tier sororities at ole miss" - Look's like someone's getting their pre-rush research done! Here's my advice: be a complete whore. Sure, you may not get into Chi Omega acting like that but the boys will fucking love you. That's for damn sure.
• " 'John Cohen' 'Ron Polk' baseball Jewish" - Believe it or not, we're on the first page of results garnered by this Google search. Fortunately, we're on there for making fun of the city of Miami as opposed to anti-Semitic rhetoric. Still, this search is incredibly interesting. Cohen is, believe it or not, the single most common Jewish surname which leads one to rationally conclude that John Cohen is either Jewish himself or of Jewish descent. Why is all of this important? Well, I'm certain you're all aware of Ron Polk's epic hatefest on the hire of John Cohen, but not a lot of us are certain as to the motives of coach Polk for doing so. Cohen is a former player of Polk's at Mississippi State and had a successful coaching career himself in the Southeastern Conference. How could Ron Polk object to that? The only conclusion I can come up with is that Ron Polk is incredibly anti-Semitic. There, you (may or may not have) heard it here first!
• "nathan stanley's mom" - We are literally the first page on the list with these search terms. Honestly, I'm surprised this isn't searched for more often by creepy Rivals.com subscribers and jealous high school classmates of Stanley. Pick it up creepsters, you're letting me down.

The Red [REDACTED] Cup is not in line with Maoist ideals

DuNing, a regular NAFOOM poster and a pretty kickass guy (he doesn't realize that I actually know him personally), is in everyone's favorite/least favorite east Asian country and claims that the Red [REDACTED] Cup isn't so much appreciated by the People's Republic!

What's the damn deal, China? Whatever did we do to you?

As you can tell, the Great Wall was not built for large, European statures.

Football Euthenasia

I happen to know that a few State fans casually peruse the cup, so, in an effort at equal opportunity, let me note at the beginning that this little bit is not about the Pop Warner expansion teams in Shanghai.

It's about the Northeast Mississippi Daily Urinal (as they like to call it on Supertalk) the destruction of a football landmark in Mississippi - Mississippi Veterans Memorial Stadium.

Apparently the same retards that can't seem to ever pass a budget in Mississippi on time have decided that Memorial Stadium needs somewhere between $50 million and $150 million (so that's really the best ballpark figure you can come up with?) in renovations to be safe and enjoyable.

Unless, they can load that baby up on a semi and get it out Action Jackson, I don't think it's ever going to be "safe," but Mississippians get a lot of pleasure out of having a 60,000 person stadium in the Capital City.

I don't want to spend either the $50 million that the Clarion-Ledger reports that Memorial Stadium needs (and certainly not the $150 million that the Daily Journal reports), but I can remember how cool it was when my rinky-dink public high school played for a state title in Memorial Stadium. And as long as that bad boy isn't just pissing away tax dollars, I'd like to keep it around.

Also, why is everyone so quick to tear down Jackson State's home stadium? This racism is killing me inside.

The RSC's Travel Guide: Miami, FL

GUNS! WEED! HOLLA! The Diamond Rebs are headed to America's 2nd or 3rd favorite port city: Miami! This upcoming weekend's regional should be exciting for all in attendance due to beautiful weather, bikini babes, and stray bullets. While I will unfortunately not be in attendance due to $4-a-gallon gas, I have consulted friends who are certainly "in the know" (namely my prejudices and Google) and put together the perfect travel guide for any Rebel fan looking for something to do other than watch depressingly disappointing baseball.

LODGING
Miami is like any city in Florida south of Orlando in that it's full of first generation immigrants and incredibly old New Yorkers. This means that the bell curve on available housing and lodging is, well, upside down. You've got to choose from either a slew of undeniably foul-smelling Motel 6's or multi-starred luxury hotels. Or, that was the case until a couple of years ago. With the recent coaching departures from the University of Miami football team and the downturn in the American housing market, a group of McMansions within a few blocks of the Coral Gables campus have remained open for renters and buyers for a few years. These homes, once belonging to Larry Coker and his staff, have enough room for you and a dozen accomplices friends to sleep comfortably and somewhat securely. A bit of advice though, try to get Dan Werner's old crib; it's got way fewer headbutt marks than Kehoe's old place.

DINING
The Miami lifestyle only affords a person two options: eating very little, or eating a lot over long periods of time. If the latter is more akin to your style then you're in luck! Miami's diverse ethnic makeup and rich history gives its local cuisine a very, errr, unique look and feel. With influences from Cuban, Jewish, Creole, and a hodge-podge of other various cultures, the cuisine of Miami is unlike that of any other.

On second thought, Hardee's did look pretty good.

CULTURE
For a truly memorable cultural experience, the Miami-bound jetsetter needs to keep only three things in mind: Cubans, Cubans, and Cubans! These crafty people have shaped Miami's cultural heritage unlike any other group. From Little Havana to downtown Miami, the influence of the Cuban people is heavily felt. While in Miami, try to engage yourself in salsa dancing, visit the home of Desi Arnez, or even brush up on your Spanish! The following phrases could certainly come in handy during your stay:

"Ningunas gracias, no quisiera ninguna cocaína."
No thanks, I would not like any cocaine.

"¡Por favor! ¡No soy armado!"
Please! I'm not armed!

"¿Qué la cogida usted está intentando venderme?"
What the fuck are you trying to sell me?

"¿Dónde está la biblioteca?"
Where is the library?

Like many of the Cubans, your time in Miami is fleeting so do not waste this golden opportunity!

NIGHTLIFE/ENTERTAINMENT
Miami and neighboring Miami Beach are world renowned for their nightclubs as evidenced by this fine piece of journalism put together by every one's favorite gay Austrian fashion critic, Bruno Schwanzenstuecker:

Lets party ZUSAMMENMACHEN!

While I do not know much about these night clubs I do know how to guarantee a good time when and wherever you do end up partying. Just hit up the most lovable former Ole Miss QB recruit ever, Cannon Smith. He undeniably knows a bunch of dudes who can get you fucked up on quaaludes, ecstasy, heroin, whatever. Rumor has it that his "boi" Guillermo has the good stuff but as far as I can tell it's just hearsay. Regardless, with Cannon Smith on your side what happens in Miami most certainly stays way the fuck in Miami.

I hope we have helped you get prepared for what is undeniably going to be a wonderful vacation. Have fun, be safe, and go Rebs.

Tar Heel Tennis - What You Need to Know

Let's start with an editorial note:

GOOD GOD! THIS IS THE THIRD TENNIS POST IN A ROW!

But, Friday morning Rebel Nation will continue its most reasonable hope for a national championship in anything (back off, Rifle Girls, what you do is illegal in at least 13 states) against the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. UNC is a different kind of program than Ole Miss - it has Americans. That's plural with an S. Five from North Carolina alone. In fact, the Tar Heels have not one, no, no, not one Nordic tennis player.

Advantage: Ole Miss.

Here's a recipe for success if you ever wanted one: recruit a bunch of Euro-trash who went to high schools like the Norwegian School for Athletics (Erling Tveit's alma mater - it's like Genesis One only without having to pretend that "academics" is the reason people go to school). If you (and by "you" I mean the architect of an athletic program that doesn't make money) absolutely have to have an American, make sure he's black.

Where's the diversity, Tar Heels? You're racism is killing me inside, North Carolina.

It's because of this lack of foresight that the Tar Heels got heeled by Miami in the ACC Tournament. Click the link, and you'll see why I cannot figure out if Miami has a tennis team or a fraternity chapter at a Big Ten school.

If you're looking for actual analysis, UNC boasts the #6 Doubles Team in the country - Taylor Fogleman and Chris Kearney, but Jonas and Erling are ranked #5 and Wellerman and ten Berge are ranked #21, so...Go Rebs! UNC players ranked in the ITA Top 100 include 2 court man Stefan Hardy at #73 and 3 court man Chris Kearney at #91. Ole Miss individuals are Erling Tveit at 22, Matthias Wellerman at 29, Robbye Poole at 56, and Bram ten Berge at 95.

The Rebels, in summary, are deeper than the Tar Heels by almost any measure. For more information on the Rebels click here or click here for notes on North Carolina.

25 Days a Week and I will be going to Tulsa this weekend where nothing less than a personal introduction to the team members' busty European sisters will be satisfactory. I think we will also try to catch the tennis match. We would liveblog, but we aren't sure that Tulsa has progressed beyond tins cans connected by taut string. But, if by some miracle, this system of tubes and wires connects itself to the only state that wishes it were Texas, we'll keep you posted.

...Ole Miss (part 2 of Tuesday's "We Are...")

After pouting about last night's post for a little while, I was struck with the urge to get dranked out of my cotton-pickin' mind. So I did. And I didn't sleep much. As I finally settled into bed, though, I thought about the events that I would use to finish this article. I admit it, I wrote the first half without thinking it all the way through. Anyways, it astounded me that not only did these final five events come to my head with such immediacy, but that they all happened in the same year. Jesus. Before I continue though, serious thanks go out to the guys at NAFOOM for plugging our blog on the board today. You can't buy (nor could we afford) that kind of advertising. So without further ado...

5. Baseball team is ranked #4 preseason, only to drop games against such impressive opponents as Central Arkansas, Western Kentucky, and Southern Miss, while losing series against TCU, Florida, Alabama, and South Carolina. While maybe not the disaster it once seemed (the Diamond Rebs have since climbed back to #21), complaining about being ranked below Arizona State now seems a little silly. Defense, hitting, and pitching have all been suspect for the Rebels, which would seem strange, excepting for the fact that Mike Bianco claimed that this was his most talented squad ever, thus bringing upon them the ire of the sports gods. Though the team has stumbled their way back into contention for a regional host site, the fan experience has become less about the game and more about pounding back beers until compelled to piss on the tennis courts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Speaking of lofty expectations...

4. Basketball team ranked #15 midseason, only to fall to LSU, Auburn (twice!!!), South Carolina, etc., etc. Basketball season was a long, unusual, and unsatisfying cock tease this year... David Huertas, billed as a sensational shooter, and heir apparent to... uh (quick, who was the last great Ole Miss basketball player? Anyone?), no one, I guess, ended up a major disappointment for all but about five games, leaving the weight on the shoulders of a man who makes Todd Abernathy look like the Incredible Hulk. Coming off another season in football hell, and off to a 14-0 start, it seemed safe to assume good things about the Rebs' postseason chances. We all know how that turned out. Anyways, like most good Ole Miss failures, apologists abound, using excuses that justify such collapses. We weren't supposed to be good anyway. The boys tried hard. Wait till next year.

3. 4th & 1: Surely Sylvester Croom crafted his Egg Bowl victory celebration for maximum irony and Ole Miss fan annoyance. After a banner year of player misconduct, even for State, Croom fakes his way to a win and the first thing he can choke out is: "They have so much character..." Sly's tears subsided long enough for him to stumble around Scott Field waving a giant MSU flag in a state of elation totally becoming of someone who, like Croom, makes 6 or 7 figures and can NEVER. BE. FIRED. All this ballyhoo is of course caused by an agonizingly inevitable chain of mental failures by one Ed 'the Orgeron' Orgeron. After building a sizable lead by playing aggressive defense and creative, misdirection offense, O decides to run up the middle out of the I formation and to start coaching his defense with all the subterfuge of Art Kaufman and the tenacity of Chuck Driesbach. This prompted, of course, a series of punts, one of which was a low rocket that landed gently in the hands of one Derek Pegues, who waltzed in largely untouched to tie the game. Oops. The decision to try for the 1st on 4th and 1 was largely inconsequential. Yes, it was probably too risky. But regardless of punt, turnover on downs, or first down Ole Miss, the outcome would likely have been the same for the Rebels, who proved through all 12 games that poor decision making and shit luck do not make a good pair.

2. Daytime Fireworks: Fireworks, according to Wikipedia, "were originally invented by the Chinese, for entertainment purposes, as a natural extension of the Chinese invention of gunpowder." Browsing further down the article, I noticed, among several breathtaking pictures of fireworks shows, one hell of a coincidence: it was night time in ALL of the pictures! Every last one! Looking further into this quandary, I found that most fireworks considered appropriate for midday use included small consumer devices such as smoke bombs, bottle rockets, and black cats, which rely more on sound that light effects. I also read (and I recommend that wikipedia check their sources on this one) that fireworks can be DANGEROUS, and should be used with a certain degree of advanced planning and caution! How wacky! Anyways, point is, I can't describe the upwelling of emotion and pride in my alma mater that I felt when I beheld the wonderful display of black smoke and artillery fire that arose from some unspecified place right outside Vaught Hemingway stadium, alarming the senile and boring everyone else. What an appropriate way to celebrate a long overdue fundraising effort with a poor marketing campaign during a noonday skulldragging at the hands of our beloved Razorback brethren! You also have to love the symbolism behind nearly blowing up the jumbotron and sound system, at the possible peril of unwilling bystanders. A real classy touch. After all, its the REDBLUE in you!!! I'm starting to see how getting my marketing degree from Ole Miss is about as ironic as getting a degree in dental medicine from West Virginia.

1a. Doyle Jackson and 'the catch:' where does one even start? This one has all the trappings: A loss to Alabama, corrupt officials, conspiracy within the SEC office, angry drunken students, a country song, and a single red slipper, and the single greatest screw job in sports for 2007. Without recapping all the gory details, we got hosed, and the entire SEC knows it. Fuck you, Doyle, burn in hell.

1b. Changing the culture of alcohol: although the Bama game was certainly the most agonizing Ole Miss event of 2007/8, C.T.C.O.A. has to be the most fitting. Caught in a perpetual struggle betwixt GOB's and progressives, with a healthy dose of idiots in between, something Ole Miss folks could generally always agree on was that we like to get shithoused, together, in nice clothing. In reaction to complaints by alumni about drunk students getting in the way of their children's razor scooter races through the Grove on Saturdays, it became increasingly clear to the Chancellor that even this point of agreement was in jeopardy, and a very convoluted plan was in order. The plan, one of the many provisions of which allows liquor but not beer in the Grove, could not be aimed more squarely at allowing alumni to drink unimpeded unless the only permitted beverages were top-shelf scotch and Cristal mimosas. Past the liquor/beer rule, shit gets really weird. A guidebook of How to Permissibly Drink Underage at Ole Miss ought to be handed out at orientation. I don't have a damn clue how it works... Thus, having confused the shit out of everyone and rid campus of the greatest threat known to humanity, RK was left at peace to continue knocking down the houses of Asian families to build a new law school that we don't really need.

That's a wrap, folks, enjoy your weekend, except on Sundays, and without any open containers, or beer on the Northeast side of campus, and with a lock on your coolers...

Boda de Eli - ¡Que sexy!

Eli's had a pretty kickass year thus far. After beating the juggernaut New England Patriots and being named MVP in what most people will remember as the SINGLE. GREATEST. SUPERBOWL. EVER. he decided to settle down and get hitched to his super-duper hot ladyfriend, Abby McGrew at a private ceremony this past weekend. The cost of the wedding was estimated at nearly half a million dollars which, while most certainly a pretty penny to nearly all of us, is bullshit chump change to a Manning. I have seen a few photographs taken (by an embarrasingly voyeuristic paperazzo) at the wedding and I must say, $500,000 seems like a bit of an underestimate.

I mean, a privately-rented seaside resort with room reservations for everyone, designer gowns and dresses, and top-end food and booze served off of fine china don't exactly add up to six figures. Unless, of course, you're getting married in M E X I C O !!! Yes, Eli, Abby, and the rest of the Manning clan spent a wacky weekend on the Baja Peninsula soaking up rays, knocking back Modela and, oh yeah, hosting a wedding.

Now I, being an ignorant, wealthy, white, Southern male have an impression of Mexico which is most accurately represented thusly:

¡Si!

Having that been said, and keeping in mind that I wasn't there and am rarely, if ever, invited to attend sacred/public events, I will now give you a rundown of the Manning/McGrew wedding with the most precise accuracy imaginable.

Wedding Photo: totally legit, not at all doctored...

11:24 AM - Eli wakes up, rolls over and, for (maybe) the last time in his life, throws out whatever incredibly sexy nymphomaniac he slept with the night before. As a married man, Eli won't be able to show up at The Library and bring a platoon of these home anymore.

12:00 PM - He's showered and ready. His fiancée, a woman, most likely took several hours and cried through at least three separate applications of mascara.

12:25 PM - Eli walks to the local McDonalds and eats the greasiest thing he can find with hopes of curing his hangover.

12:27 PM - Vomit.

1:00 PM - Eli and Archie sit down for a cup of coffee. Archie brings Eli in reeeaaallll close in order to give him the crucial Manning family wedding day secret to success: "Do NOT sire females."

3:00 PM - The ring ceremony. It's beautiful, really. There are tears in the eyes of grown men, beautifully crafted rings made of jewels and precious medals, and much pomp and fanfare.

3:30 PM - The wedding ring ceremony.

3:35 PM - Wedding's over. A limousine awaits Mr. and Mrs. Manning to take them to their reception. The wedding reception, featuring none other than The Library's own DJ Mario, consists mainly of an obese black male screaming "pop yo' pussay" into a microphone over a Ying Yang Twins song off of his iPod.

4:00 PM - Abby and Eli's first dance. Eli, a man not known for his grace, attempts to keep up with his new wife but quickly gives up, exclaiming "I don't know how to 'crank dat' Soulja Boy,' so get off my back!"

4:01 PM - Peyton 'cranks dat' perfectly, looks over at Archie, and screams "Hey Daddy! Look! I can do it!"

5:18 PM - David Cutcliffe falls asleep sitting up.

5:30 PM - Abby throws the bouquet. It is caught by none other than David Tyree.

6:56 PM - Eli and Abby take that one last tequila shot that propels you into a world of debauchery, violence, and amnesia.

5:55 AM - A suddenly awakened Abby Manning jumps from her bed and runs into the bathroom. After a few minutes, she nervously walks out clutching a pregnancy test in her hands. Eli, staring at her through a single half-opened, bloodshot eye inquires to as to exactly what "the fuck" she was doing. Abby, shaking, says to Eli, "your father and every other Spirit board poster told me I had to check, or else. Those Mississippians are desperate, Eli..."