5 Things I Love and Hate About the SEC

ESPN.com's Chris Low recently released the five things he loves and hates the most about the SEC. Inspired, I decided to write mine. Neither are in any particular order.

What I Hate About the SEC

1. Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial/Raycom - Nobody is going to miss you, Dave, Dave, and Dave. All you ever did was force us to wake up far too early just to watch a terrible mismatch unfold before our half-opened, crust-cornered eyes. Sure, ESPN will likely have excruciatingly early broadcasts as a part of the new TV deal, but at least the games won't look like they were filmed with a 30-year-old camera.

2. Southeastern Weather - Hurricanes push our games around and the early season's sweltering heat can be miserable.

3. Stupid Fans - Every single school has them and they are all absolutely horrible. Forrlz.

4. Florida - Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Sunshine State. Fun fact, at the beginning of the 20th Century, Florida was the least populated state in the Southeast. At the end, it had become the most populated. How is this the case? Well, a bunch of New Yorkers, New Englanders, and the like realized that living in cold, crowded, urban areas was a shitty way to go through life (we've been telling you this for generations) and thought, "hey, there's a lot of empty space down there, let's fill it up with our horrible accents and attitudes!" And that they did. While we love what Florida does for the SEC with the national championships and all (seriously, thanks), we don't like your fanbases overall lack of Southeastern history. "But, brah, I live in Dade county." My point exactly. Simply put, if you can't find fried chicken with greens, mac 'n' cheese, and a biscuit outside of a KFC, then you're not in the South.

5. Alkeeehol Being Shunned - LSU fans, move onto the next list. Your state had a progressive alcohol attitude before the locomotive was invented. Now, on with the program. While it is certainly a much greater problem at Ole Miss than it is at other SEC schools, there is certainly an issue with the Southern alcohol culture. The fact that no SEC venue can sell booze is, in my opinion, silly and a poor business move. Pretending like people don't like to booze up doesn't make it any less true, you puritans.

What I Love About the SEC

1. Football dominance - In terms of BCS titles, stadium attendance, television deals, NFL athlete production, and revenue generation, nobody can touch us. College football is our game.

2. Southeastern weather - I've never attended a game played in a blizzard. Hell, I've never even attended a game with anything more than a few flurries floating around. Being able to wear a light sweater or a vest to a game in November isn't a bad deal at all.

3. The continual love/hate relationships we all have with each other - The rivalries in the SEC are bitter, longstanding, and emotional. Alabama hates Tennessee who hates Florida who hates Georgia who hates Auburn who hates Alabama. There are plenty of these "hatred webs" and they're all vicious, circuitous, mindboggling, and incredibly thrilling. Of course, when bowl season rolls around, we change tune right away. While we SEC fans are incredibly proud of our schools, we're even more proud of our region. We do not want other Southeastern teams to be defeated by non-Southeastern teams which is a phenomenon you do not see in other conferences.

4. Food and Drink - Admit it, there's a place you've chowed or drank at in every SEC town that you've visited that you absolutely covet. Whether you're looking for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or the inability to see out of your left eye for a few days, every SEC town has got you covered. Hell, the SEC can also be credited with the invention of the fried chicken tender franchise with Abner's, Canes, and Zaxby's all having originated in SEC towns. Couple that with tailgating, bourbon (there's a reason Kentucky is in the SEC), and the ability of an LSU fan to batter and subsequently deep fry anything and it becomes no wonder as to why our region is America's fattest.

5. The Women - The rest of America covets our women. True story. There's lots of evidence out there, but I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one. Congrats, SEC fans.


If you've got a top 5 for either list, please share them.

HT: EDSBS for the Bugs Bunny graphic.

The Sourest of Grapes

Outside of our bowl matchups and the home-and-home series in 2002 and 3, I've had no real ill will towards Texas Tech. I've always thought Mike Leach to be an innovative offensive coach and I think the Big XII is the only conference which truly rivals the SEC in football tradition and fan fervor.

Hell, I even have family who graduated from Tech and no, I'm not just making that up.

However, despite my otherwise neutral feelings towards Texas Tech, these last few weeks have found me a little more than annoyed with the Red Raider fanbase. I had always heard from friends of mine who are fans of Texas or Texas A&M that Tech fans were "classless clowns."

Nah. I didn't believe it. There are age-old rivalries involved there and all kinds of blind prejudice is likely to result. I figured that folks outside of the SEC wouldn't listen (or really care for) whatever we spew about State, LSU, and the other usual suspects so why should I put much into what they had to say?

Next time, I'll pay more attention.

Just visit any Texas Tech forum. If you'll look back a few weeks you'll see all of the anti-Ole Miss trash. You'll even see it on several Ole Miss sites. Now, just look over the last two days. You'll see some Rebel fans returning the favor, only to be called "classless" by Red Raider fans. We're disgusting and (get this) need to learn how to "win with class."

SCRedRaider, who has over 1000 posts to the Scout forum had this to say:

I have never seen a teams fan base talk sh!t after they won a game. You have certainly done something that I have never seen before.

Alright, I'll cut the guy some slack. Maybe he's only been a Tech fan for, oh, I dunno a couple of months or something. Certainly that's doubtful but, if he had never seen such a thing then he obviously never saw Tech play against Texas A&M in 2001 or Oklahoma in 2005.

Many, many Rebel fans have commented as to how obscenely disrespectful the Red Raiders have been over the last several weeks. Forums and websites on both ends have been overrun with the same old senseless, trite garbage about how Ole Miss "sucks," Mississippi "sucks" (by the way, shit turns real motherfucking personal when you bring the Magnolia State into this), Texas Tech deserves better, yadda yadda yadda. Hell, your own players dogged the Rebels and the Cotton Bowl during press conferences!

Yet, we're not supposed to talk trash because the game is over...

Yeah, that's real fucking lame, Tech. We deal with LSU, State, Alabama, and Arkansas (who obviously picked up the art of annoying bullshit from you back in the old Southwest Conference days) every single season so the fact that your antics and general assclownery have caused a stir among we Rebels is pretty damned significant.

Granted, there are some commendable Raiders on the Internet who are civil and mature about these kinds of things and Mike Leach showed our team more respect than most SEC head coaches would have so I do not mean to suggest that everyone affiliated with Texas Tech behaves in this manner.

Furthermore, I am not necessarily defending the Rebs who have trolled your forums and/or treated some of you with disrespect at the Cotton Bowl. A lot of them have been damned embarrassments. My point in all of this is that, with regards to "class," Texas Tech fans are towards the bottom of the Big XII.

A whole host of you deserve every. single. bit. of. this. shit. If you can't take what you deserve, then either move the fuck out of your glass houses or quit throwing stones.

New Years Resolutions

Here are a few resolution ideas I came up with which will hopefully lead to a happier, healthier 2009. If any of these apply to you, I suggest you heavily consider them because I put at least 2 or 3 minutes of thought into this.

Oh, and for the inquiring mind: no, I'm not doing anything at work. Apparently I didn't get the memo about not showing up on the 31st.


Denizens of Lubbock - Start driving hybrids, lest you want global warming to increase the severity of your weekly dust storms. Also, do it because Al Gore said so; he invented the damned Internet, lawya.

SEC Referees - Just forget that the replay even exists in college football.

Jerrell Powe - Lose 30 pounds and finally surmount the great literary challenge of completing your first Nancy Drew novel.

Our Rebel frontcourt - Learn to box out and stop being sissies.

Our Rebel backcourt - Grow some ACL's that aren't made of crepe paper or porcelain.

Greg Hardy - Finally get over the "hump" and take the stationery industry by storm.

Mike Oher and Peria Jerry - Buy a lot of cars 'n' shit.

Kent Austin - First, stop sounding like a Canuck. Second, show the SEC West's new diciples of the spread (Petrino, Mullen, and Malzhan) how real quarterbacks play football.

Tracy Rocker - Finally defeat Ted Laurent in an Abner's eating contest. Going 0-11 on the year is pathetic, Trace.

Andy Kennedy - Sign on with the US Department of Homeland Security.

The entire football team - Just freakin' beat Bama for once, alright?

Dexter McCluster - Evolve suction-cupped fingertips (EVILoution works that way, right?).

Womens Rifle Team - Just continue to keep us compliant with Title IX and we won't ask any questions.

Bobby Petrino - Update your resume on Monster.com.

Rascal Flatts - Find some other shitty midday regional football broadcast through which to peddle your "music." Bob that HeAaAaAaAaAaD the fuck on out of here. If Johnny Cash were still alive and if Haggard weren't confined to his drug-ravaged 71-year-old body they'd make a grease stain out of all of you faster than you can put that there gel in your hair.

Arkansas Fans - Get hobbies; lots of 'em. This, of course, does not apply to you, Gonzohog. You just keep on keepin' on.

ESPN - Stop being biased against the SEC! You arrogant New England/West Coast types make me sick! You obviously hate everything about us! Oh, and thanks for the $2+ billion, 15-year
TV deal... you YUPPIE ASSHOLES!



Have you got any others? Feel free to submit them via comment.
Have a save and happy new year, everybody. Don't drink and drive, have fun, get laid, et cetera.

SEC Power Poll: Preseason Poll/Special Coaches Edition

As an Ole Miss-oriented blog, the Red [REDACTED] Cup is a part of the SEC Power Poll. The Power Poll is a power ranking of the SEC football teams put together by the gentlemen at Garnet and Black Attack. The Power Poll aims to deliver a somewhat accurate and undeniably entertaining poll for all of the SEC football fans in cyberspace.

This week, for the preseason poll, we and the other Power Poll voters have ranked the SEC's head coaches. Our ballot with commentary is as follows.

EDITORS NOTE: Six RSC contributors voted to compile this ballot. For each vote, a ranking was assigned a corresponding point value. Thus, the coach with the lowest total number of points once the votes were tallied "won." It's like golf, therefore my boy Spurrier digs the hell out of it. The ballot is formatted thusly: Coach (number one votes, if any) - total points - highest ranking - lowest ranking. Capiche?


1. Urban Meyer (3) - 10pts - 1 - 3
In the SEC, you've gotta be good at pointing and mysteriously staring. Les Miles has got it. Saban's workin' on it. Houston Nutt is, well, Houston Nutt. But nobody comes close to Urban Meyer in pointing at shit and looking angry. Observe:
I have no idea what happened before that photograph was snapped, but whatever it was, I'll be certain to not make that mistake again. If you're somehow still wondering why is Urban on top of our list, take the following into consideration: He wins, and wins big. He's got swagger and is pretty much a badass. He knows how to be tough on his players and get results. His wife and daughter are hot. He's willing to be innovative to win, and knows how to play cutthroat without making dumb decisions, Les Miles style. He's got a fratty name.
Seriously, if you wouldn't take him as the head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels in a heartbeat then you're either a bad Rebel or a terribly, terribly ignorant college football fan.

2. Mark Richt (2) - 14pts - 1 - 4
We're Mark Richt fans here. He appears, at least, to be a super classy guy in a profession where it is hard to be good and still have a conscience. He's not the conference's best X's and O's guy, but he has proven to be a super motivator and recruiter. He also has had established success without any interruption. He's not perfect though. He seems to likes Jesus a lot but lets the Odell Thurmans of the world get away with just about anything. Georgia's disciplinary record sends a pretty odd message: "You any good at football? Cool, then you can do whatever you want and face a strict suspension against a I-AA school." Honestly though, that's my kind of morals. Who cares how great your football players are as people? Get out there and win, dammit.

3. Tommy Tuberville (1) - 18pts - 1 - 5
Does anyone else find it interesting that, of the 6 first place votes, half of them went to coaches who haven't won a national championship? Granted, Richt seems poised to win one this season and Tubs was on the receiving end of a royal BCS screw-job, but the fact still remains that neither have actually won a national title. Despite this, Tubs comes in at third for a number of reasons. First, he's the biggest reason for Bama's disappointing slew of seasons which, on the Plains of Alabama, makes him absolutely unflappable. Seriously, who loses to State and makes their fan base forget about it? He's perhaps the best evaluator of talent in the SEC and has rightfully garnered a reputation as a player developer both at Ole Miss and at Auburn. He's ballsy, but not stupid and, while he's not the conference's ballsiest guy (Les Miles takes that title), his keen wit coupled with his guts have truly earned him the "riverboat gambler" moniker. Furthermore, he surrounds himself with a great staff and his defenses are usually fantastic.

4. Steve Spurrier - 22pts - 2 - 6
He's one part fratter, one part cranky old guy, one part gypsy snakecharmer, and all man. If this were the 1990's, he'd be number one by a mile and a half. That's for damn sure. The press conferences alone put him in the upper echelon of SEC coaches. He's the cockiest, snidest, most shit-talkin' head coach in a conference known for cockiness, snideness, and shit-talkin'. A quick Google search yields some fantastically hilarious Spurrier quotes. Also, he's a total chick magnet.

Go get 'em, Steve.

Aside from his brash nature, he's an incredibly accomplished player and coach. He won himself a Heisman before coaching another Heisman winner. He revolutionized the passing game at Florida. He won an ACC Championship at Duke (and, until this season, voted for Duke in every coaches preseason poll for the hell of it), which leads us to believe that he could take anyone, Ole Miss included, to some damn lofty heights. Granted, he's yet to do amazing things at South Carolina, but that job may be more difficult than the Ole Miss job. Think about it. He's in a state with less high school talent; has a possible national title contender in Clemson down the road; and is forced to compete with UGA, Tennessee, and Florida year-in and year-out. While it most certainly won't be immediate, good things are to come for the Gamecocks.
Oh, and he's a helluva golfer. That's gotta count for something.

5 (tie). Miles - 38pts - 4 - 10
As has been said, this guy has huge balls. He takes big gambles, makes EA Sports style play calls in the clutch, and is a dick to the media (but it's in a bizarre way that makes you a tad bit envious). Up until recently, he wouldn't have been ranked so high, but now that he's got a national title to back up his smack talk he's earned this ranking. He recruits really well and has really done an excellent job of motivating the LSU fanbase. To boot, he's not a bullshitter. He told everyone that he wasn't going to Michigan, despite all the rumors to the contrary, and lived up to his word. He even kicked Ryan Perrillouzzxxrrzr, one of LSU's most heralded recruits ever, off of the team for a few dozen counts of thuggery. One of our contributors thew him down at number 10 but is yet to yield his reasoning. I'm certain we're all a bit curious as to why anyone would say he's the 10th best coach in the SEC, but my guess is envy/hatred.

5 (tie). Nick Saban - 38pts - 5 - 8
Him being tied with Les Miles at 5th is likely to piss off both the LSU and Alabama fan bases. But here's a little secret... we at the Cup don't care what they think. "Wah wah wah, RTR Tiguh Bait(eux)" is all I ever hear out of them anyway.
Alright, now, back to the show. Most of us are still waiting on the year two verdict. No matter how you slice it, he had a bad first season at Bama by his standards. However he did recruit well and could have Bama turned around (which nowadays means perhaps beating Auburn) in a couple of seasons. To boot, he has spawned the most bizarre line of "omg we love our coach" apparel outside of Colonel Nutt t-shirts. While he has yet to impress at Bama, he turned LSU into a dynasty and won a BCS title with the Bayou Bengals. In short, he calls a decent
game, motivates well, and cheats, errrrr, recruits like a sumbitch. He has everything one can want in a head coach aside from the fact that he's a huge douche. HUGE douche. HUUUUUUUUUGE. DOUCHE.

7. Houston Nutt - 40pts - 4 - 8
While some may not agree with this ranking, I can't say it's too homerific. Sure, having him as the 4th best coach in the conference might be a stretch, but 7th or 8th isn't so much. At Ole Miss we are certainly excited about the future of our program under Nutt, but this excitement is chiefly due to the misery caused by Hurricane Orgeron. Nutt isn't the conferences best recruiter, nor is he the best X's and O's guy, but he is certainly one of the best, if not the best at motivating his players. Nearly every Arkansas team he assembled beat a team or two that they weren't supposed to beat and he always manages to get a lot out of a little. Arkansas fans will say things like "he boned a weatherlady" and "he tried to break Mitch Mustains feet by giving him odd fitting shoes" but just ignore them. They're not really in the SEC anyway, right? We like the guy because, at Ole Miss and especially in Oxford, we want our coaches to have this sorta "old guy who sits in the front row of church" persona. You know, the guy who makes sure to shake everybody's hand and tell little kids how much they've grown? Yeah, that guy. Houston Nutt is that guy.

8. Phillip Fulmer - 48pts - 5 - 11
Tennessee won the SEC East last year. Has everybody in the whole world completely forgotten this? In fact, in his 15 full seasons as Tennessee's head coach, his Volunteers have finished either first or second in the SEC Eeast all but twice. The fact that Fat Phil is so low on this list, despite having won a national championship and having over a dozen successful years at Tennessee says worlds about the coaching depth in our conference. Furthermore, look at the range of votes he garnered. His highest vote was 5th while his lowest was 11th. Whiskey Wednesday, the gentleman who ranked Fulmer 11th reasoned his choice thusly:

"He probably should be higher, but his playcalling bores the shit out of me, and everybody knows that David Cutcliffe was the glue holding it all together, right? Right? Seriously, though, he won a BCS title, but he might be the worst head coach to win one in our time."

He's also a snitch which, in the views of a few, makes him a terrible, terrible human being.

9. Bobby Petrino - 51pts - 6 - 12
Oh WOW! You won a lot of games in the CUSA and the Big East! That's just thuper duper! Seriously though, he was crap in Atlanta and his potential for success at Arkansas is more limited than it was at Louisville. His competition, both on the field and in terms of recruiting, is at a level he hasn't truly experienced and Arkansas fans will feel some growing pains. Certainly, he is an excellent X's and O's guy, but in this conference he'll prove to be in the middle of the pack as far as that is concerned (Meyer, Spurrier, Richt, and Tuberville all have him beat by a mile). Ryan Mallett should prove to be an immediate boost to Arkansas and the Petrino system after he is waits out his transfer year and, if he can recruit the types of players he'll need for his system, a trip to Atlanta is possible. Hopefully he can do this before either a.) he bolts off to who-knows-where or b.) he's hanged in Fayetteville.

10 (tie). Rich Brooks - 61pts - 7 - 12
Rich Brooks does indeed think this is bullshit. We've got him all the way down here with *cringe* Vanderbilt! He fielded two successful Kentucky teams but, for a guy who won the Paul W. "Bear" Bryant award for taking Oregon to the Rose Bowl in 1994, he hasn't done much in Lexington. Granted, it's a basketball school and Kentucky isn't exactly rife with top notch high school football talent. I dunno, despite Andre Woodson, beating #1 LSU, and all that jazz, the guy's just not terribly impressive. One Man to Beat, the actual journalist here at the Cup, had this to say:

I met him at SEC Media Days, and I thought he was a huge dick to the media. While the media are usually not as intelligent as a coach, you still have to be PR savvy.

I know that it may seem hypocritical for us to praise Spurrier and Miles for babytalking the media while reprimanding Brooks for the same, but he's seriously gotta back up his talk before he can expect anybody to be cool with it.

10 (tie). Bobby Johnson - 61pts - 9 - 12
Oh, Bobby. The ghost of Jay Cutler will forever haunt you. And no, I don't mean a furtive bloggeur with too much time on his hands. Literally mean the specter of what was, at one point, the best quarterback in the SEC. Think about it while we waltz backwards in time. Tebow at Florida (9 wins) and Andre Woodson at Kentucky (8 wins) last year. Leak at Florida the year before that (13 wins, national championship). Cutler at Vanderbilt (5 wins) before that. Jason Campbell at Auburn (14 wins, SEC title, BCS bastard child) and David Greene at Georgia (10 wins) before that. Eli at Ole Miss (10 wins) before that. Et cetera, et cetera, et al, et al.
You see what I'm saying, Bobby. You are literally the only coach in the SEC who cannot win with the conference's (arguably) best quarterback. Sure, I guess if he wanted to and got the chance, he'd go bowling at any other SEC school, but I seriously doubt he'd win big.
I will say this, though: he's a real class act which is what Vanderbilt demands. His players play very hard for him and he fields competitive teams that just don't have what it takes to get over the hump.

12. Sylvester CroomS - 66pts - 10 - 12
Boooooooo! Hisssssss! RATTLE-RATTLE KER-CLACK CLACK KER-KLOW! Hey, nuh-uh, somebody get that shit outta here! This is a damned Ole Miss blog, not a slaughterhouse. Gah, like locusts they are.
Anywho, where were we? Oh yes! Coach Croom is the worst coach in the SEC, and there are a few reasons why. First of all, he's done nothing more than ride the backs of an amazing good luck streak and an above-par defense (yeah, he's an offense guy who runs a terrible offense). True, State did beat Auburn and Alabama; but they only scored 4 touchdowns between both games, 2 of which were defensive. True, State did beat Kentucky, but Kentucky had 10 turnovers. TEN! I'm sure we'll get some comments like "hell yEah we did!!11 and we beet ur ass 2 lol!!" Yep, you did State. Congrats! But remember, we were shitty last season. You beat a shitty football team by a field goal. All of this raises the question of what, besides last season, has Sylvester Croom really accomplished in Starkville? Another reason we dislike Sly Croom is his "character" nonsense. He always makes sure to point out the shortcomings of other teams and their players while completely ignoring his own. He really is a low class guy who's been given a free pass from the media (psssst... it's because he's black). What other coach talks about character after tons of arrests and gets away with it? What coach talks shit about other teams' players' academic issues and gets away with it? Yeah, some Ole Miss players stole some pillows. That's pretty awful. I mean, I'd forive a guy if he assaulted a cop or, I dunno, maybe fired a gun on a college campus within a year of the Virginia Tech shootings but Grand Theft Pillow?! I think NOT!
Truthfully though, I can't decide what's worse. Croom's bullshit, or the folks in Starkghanistan who just lap that nonsense up. RANGY RANG CLACK RATTLE KERCLACK!
Unfortunately, this likely means we at The Red [REDACTED] Cup are a bunch of bigots. Koo-koo-ka-choo.


So, whaddaya think? Agree? Disagree? Let us know.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - LSU

Oh LSU. You're such an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a deep fried shell of cornmeal. You're a school which I respect greatly for your BCS titles, traditions, and location (an hour away from NOLA, that's legit). You're also a school which I despise for your horrendous sidewalk fans, homage to filthy bayou lifestyles, and stench. To single out the absolute best and worst about you was pretty damned difficult but I gave it my best shot.

Best Tradition: "The Golden Band from Tigerland." I know that, as a Rebel, you hate these bastards deep down inside, but you cannot honestly tell me you have heard or seen a louder, prouder marching band. They're big, they're deafening, and they do an amazing job of firing up the fans in Death Valley. I know Ohio State would beg to differ (they try that whole "begging to differ" shit a lot, huh?) but the LSU marching band is absolutely peerless.
Honorable Mention: Mike the Tiger. LSU is the only school that does the whole "Tigers" thing right (you hear that, Memphis, Auburn, Mizzou, etc?) and Mike is definitely one of the best live mascots out there. He's in the same league as Uga, Ralphie, and Bevo.


Worst Tradition: Cajun last names. I was almost inclined to say "Cajun people," but who knows what kind of anti-defamatory lawsuit we'd get slapped with after that one. It's a good thing I took a couple of years of French in high school becuase if I were just to read names like "Perriloux," "Stefoin," "Doucet," or "Francois" out of the context of LSU, I'd be lost.

Pear-ih-lowx?

The Cajun names also serve greatly to remind everyone that LSU's fanbase is made up primarily of the most obnoxious people outside of the Jersey shore: Louisianans. Seriously, I'm certain that I've run into a few extras from The Waterboy a time or two down there. I honestly love New Orleans, but I wouldn't mind if it's surrounding counties parrishes drifted off into the Gulf of Mexico.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst- Georgia

Georgia has been getting a lot of good press lately, oh wait, shit, they've suspended their ENTIRE first string for the season opener against Georgia Southern? Jeez, the Eagles might fly high that day. When it rains it pours Dawg fans, so let's get into your heralded history and tradition in our latest installment of SEC Traditions.

GEORGIA

Best Tradition: UGA I-VII. Although UGA VII has yet to be introduced to the rest of America, he is already slotted in for the throne. This could be one of the great traditions of college football. Pure bred English bulldogs that are white without any other blemish. They are the unadulterated purity of college athletics. I have seen these majestic beasts and even had my picture taken beside UGA V and VI. My face shone bright for the next week after the picture was taken from the glory of the dog. All silliness aside, Georgia has the greatest mascot tradition in the SEC and the country.

Pretty sure you can find this framed on every wall in Cobb County.

Worst Tradition: Infatuation with Herschel Walker. This is not to say Walker wasn't one of the greatest players in UGA history, but he sold out the team to go to the USFL, not the NFL, the USFL, after his junior season. Plus, he's nucking futs.

Great player, no doubt. He won a Heisman trophy and a National Championship, okay. Well, so did Frank Sinkwich, but you don't see Georgia fans walking around with old skool 42 jerseys in Athens. It's my opinion that every player deserves their due time so move on from Herschel, Dawg fans. Your obsessive love for this one player makes me unable to stand some of your fans.

Honorable mention: Just to spite Florida fans. Here's this jewel of football history. Watch #77.

Then watch one of the greatest plays in football history.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - Alabama

Alabama is rife with tradition. legacy, fanfare, and history. How on earth can one pick a single "best" and a single "worst?"

Actually, it's quite easy. They're one in the same.

Best Tradition: Paul W. "Bear" Bryant. He is the greatest coach in the history of college, nay, all of football. He won conference championships at three different schools and national championships at two. His successes are synonymous with the Alabama Crimson Tide and one cannot begin to mention the history and tradition of the SEC without mentioning Bryant. Honestly, is anyone surprised that The Bear's victories would be named as Alabama's best tradition?

Worst Tradition: Paul W. "Bear" Bryant and the worship thereof. Just look at this picture on the right. The sad thing is that this guy thinks his tattoo was the most badass couple grand he's ever spent. "Fuck groceries! I need the Bahr on mah back!" Sure, it's neat to pridefully wear Coach Bryant's signature houndstooth hat and he most certainly deserves to have a museum erected in his honor, but seriously, the guy is dead. Let him rest in peace. He undoubetdly has earned respect and reverence, but not a religiously fervent following.

Another problem I have with this obsession with Coach Bryant comes with the constant comparisons to The Bear every subsequent Bama coach has had to endure. Coach Bryant won 6 national titles and 13 conference titles during his 25 year tenure at the University of Alabama. Impressive, I know. But here's something a lot of Tiders cannot get through their skulls: that. will. never. happen. again. anywhere. EVER.

Nobody will ever be as successful as Bear Bryant. I don't mean "ever at Alabama;" I mean "ever ANYWHERE." College football has more parity than ever and, thanks to the BCS, we're not crowning a half dozen national champions every season. Alabama fans think it's totally awesome that they put together a $4 million annual contract for Ol' Saint Nick. But what are they paying for? A 6-win regular season? An Independence Bowl birth? Another loss to Auburn? Oh yeah, recruits, of course. Silly me. Julio Jones is totally worth it. Honestly, the constant comparisons to Bryant and an absolute lack of job security demand an incredibly high salary. If coaching at Alabama is the highly sought after job that Crimson Tide fans want to beleive it is, they wouldn't have to make whatever coach they hire the highest paid coach in football just to get him to sign the dotted line.

Poor* Saban. Even if he were to coach in Tuscaloosa for 24 years, winning 5 national championships and 12 SEC titles, he'd still be in The Bear's shadow.

* Perhaps "poor" isn't the best way to describe a man making 4 million dollars a year to tell 20-something year olds to run around and throw things. Even if it is in Tuscaloosa.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - Mississippi State

We've picked at the East a good bit with this series of misguided prejudices, so now we turn our attention to our closer neighbors in the West. Mississippi State, you're up.

Best Tradition: Mississippi State University cheese. I'm not even going to put any sort of Ole Miss spin on this one. Their cheese is damn good and a small part of me deep down inside is a bit envious that my beloved alma mater is not renowned for its culinary arts. My earliest experiences with Mississippi State cheese came around Christmas one winter when a dear family friend of ours (non-Southerners, please see "hunting buddy") and an alum of State gifted us with a "cannon ball," or a big round lump of Edam cheese made in Starkville. We loved it and gobbled it up like we were from the fattest place in the Western world, giving the cheese a shelf life of 2 or 3 days, tops. Even Oxford's very own Big Bad Breakfast, a favorite among the Cup writers, pridefully uses Mississippi State band cheese in all of their cheese-related dishes. They even make a point of mentioning it in their menu, and rightfully so. You haven't had a cheese omlet until Starkville's best is stuffed inside it.

Worst Tradition: You all saw this one coming from a mile away: cowbells. I mean, sure, when the only school in the conference with fewer fans attending their games is Vanderbilt you've got to make up for that noise deficit. Clangity clang clang! And what better way to do that than to celebrate your school's agricultural heritage and redneck image by utilizing antiuquated farm equipment? Clangity clackity clang clang kaclack kerclang! I'll give it to ya, State; they're loud and obnoxious which gives you, the clanger, ample reason to enjoy ringing that shit in my, the clangee's, face. Clikkity kerclack clang clang clang whoooooooooo! Hell, the story of the use of cowbells at State is just as absurd as the tradition itself in that a cow trotting onto the field of play is involved. Rattle rattle, here comes the cattle. Oh, and good work on borrowing Texas A&M's uniforms and Georgia's mascot. CLANG! CLANG! MOTHERFUCKING CLANG!

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - Florida

As we continue to wind our way through the SEC's best and worst traditions, we would like to encourage you, our readers, to suggest your own ideas as to what the best and worst traditions of the SEC are. Furthermore, if you're of the persuasion of a school we've picked on we would love for you to share your ideas about Ole Miss. We'll get around to that later on, but we'd really appreciate your ideas on that one.

Ok, so, on to Florida!

Best Tradition: Heisman winning quarterbacks. What can we say? They've got 'em, we don't. Florida has as many Heisman winners as the entire SEC West and Tim Tebow has potential to bring another trophy to Gainesville this fall. And, while they are despised in both Tallahassee and Athens, the personalities and peculiarities of Spurrier, Wuerffel, and Tebow have made them adored by the media and college football fans outside of the Southeast. Whether it be Coach Spurrier's no bullshit approach to, well, everything or Tim Tebow's foreskin snipping, you can't help but enthusiastically pay attention to these Gators.


Worst Tradition: Jorts, hair gel, and self tanner. Georgia fans know exactly what I'm talking about.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst- Kentucky

We continue our harrowing journey through the mystical land of Southeastern Conference tradition with a look at the land of bourbon and horses: Kentucky. The tailgating atmosphere around Commonwealth Stadium gets more congested about two hours before game time, and many tents play the game "corn hole." For those not familiar with this game, it's not a reference to the movie "Deliverance," but rather a plywood angled board with a hole near the top of it that patrons and drunken fans throw bean bags into from a distance of 10 or more feet. Corn hole sets at Kentucky are brilliantly decorated with Big Blue shit and sticky with Woodford Reserve or Maker's Mark. While this tradition is fantastic, there is another that comes to mind with the Kentucky Wildcats.

Jared "Finger Lickin'" Lorenzen, Age 7, AKA Pillsbury Throwboy

KENTUCKY

Best Tradition: Basketball. Yep, even though it's nearly kickoff time for the 2008 season, most Wildcat fans are already focused on Billy Gillespie and a collection of McDonald's All Americans that will intimidate some teams into defeat. They've got seven national championships in basketball, and basically win the SEC every year even when they aren't up to snuff nationally. It's the ability to say to a Georgia or South Carolina fan after defeat in football season, "Hey, see you in basketball season!" and watch the victor cringe as they remember past blow-outs and alley-oops from guys like Dan Issel, Louie Dampier and Tayshaun Prince. Kentucky basketball raises the SEC's RPI every season by approximately 149 teams with the exception of a few years(see: last season).

Worst Tradition: The Bluegrass Miracle. While not a tradition, it sums up the football history of Kentucky. This is one of the worst coverage disasters in SEC history. Kentucky returned the favor somewhat this past season by defeating the Fightin' Tigers in three overtimes, but this loss still has to sting.

SEC Traditions: The Best and Worst - Vandy

The SEC has received publicity for the tradition and pageantry that surrounds every moment of the season. Even SEC media days has 'Bama faithful giddy like Corky from "Life Goes On."

We care a lot about our teams and our traditions, and every team in the SEC has a tradition that, deep down, every other team admires or enjoys in some realm. We're starting off with one school that sometimes(see: during football season) represents the butt of many jokes in the SEC, but at the RSC, they have our respect and admiration.

VANDERBILT

Best Tradition: Wealth. The name of this institution says it all: Vanderbilt. Their alumni are loaded and well connected. The great and wealthy Cornelius Vanderbilt started the university with a $1 million endowment while also feasting on Pterodactyl eggs every morning and lighting finely rolled cigars with burning pages of the Dead Sea Scrolls. The Vandy fans I have met at games over the years are also wise enough to see beyond their sub-par seasons and flaccid tailgating and look forward to the years they'll spend on their private island where they live without the rough and tumble world of college football.

Worst Tradition: The Foghorn. Anyone who has been to a Vandy game has most likely heard the bellowing of this horrible tradition. Wait, let me rephrase that. If you went to a Vandy game where their inept offense actually got the pigskin over the goal line, you have heard this semi-Canadian, definitely not Southern tradition. Okay, I get it. It's like a foghorn on a boat and your team mascot is a boat captain of some sort. Why not shoot off some cannons from a large boat in the end zone? Maybe get an alumnus to give away shares of his company for every point the other team scores, so they'll actually make some damn noise. I'd even settle for showing a clip from the major motion picture "Captain Ron" when "Ron" helps Martin Short's character overcome guerrillas by faking an injury and calling for help below deck.

Vanderbilt, for a SEC school that doesn't even officially have an athletic director, you do pretty well for yourself. A foghorn, wealth and just enough talent to frustrate SEC opponents to the point that makes even the most loyal fan consider selling their season tickets, because in all honesty, a loss to Vandy is pretty much the end of your season.