Corralling the West

Thanks, but no thanks. Derek Dooley, a man who lives and works in Ruston, Louisiana at a perennially average WAC school, is one of two coaches to tell Mississippi State that he's holding out for something better. The other is Gary Patterson, the head coach at Texas Christian ... which, arguably, is a better job that State.

Daily Affirmation with Tiger Media. Glen Guilbeau at The News Star (alternatively spelled the Neauwxs Star) reminds people that Les Miles is not Nick Saban ... or Gerry Dinardo. Guilbeau's right. He's way more like Larry Coker.

The Real Kiss of Death. After parting ways with Tommy Tuberville, Auburn administrators got some harsh criticism from an unexpected source - rival coach Nick Saban. Takes a slimeball to know a slimeball. Next thing you know Petrino will be telling Auburn's AD exactly what he thinks about this decision ... during his job interview.

Not Fired. The press conference comes at 11:00 CT to announce Tommy's termination. As the SEC press release notes, though, he is officially resigning, not being fired. Tubbs says he plans to stay in Auburn for a while and "help the Auburn family however I can." Nothing hurts quite like your man treating his next girlfriend better than he treated you. 17-7, Tom. There's some scorn for you.

Corralling the West, Week 1

We won. You should know this by now. More to come later whenever Whiskey Wednesday shakes off his hangover.

They're also the third best engineering program in all of Louisiana!  You know how a lot of teams like to schedule division II (screw whatever they're called nowadays, that shit is stupid), mid-major, or low-level BCS teams for their opening games?  You know, for a sorta faux-preseason stat-padder to ease the fans and players into the season?  A sure win and what-not?  Well, not so much.  It's ok State, they were the 91st best defense in football last year which, as Wesley Carroll can tell you, is certainly more than enough to make the game competitive.  Coach CroomS has just shown the Bulldog faithful exactly how one earns a raise + contract extension in Starkville.

Not so fast, Hogs.  You're on notice, Arkansas.  Of course, you won and you've gotta get whatever credit is due for that... but Western Illinois?  Seriously?  Would Nutt have trailed them in the 4th quarter with whatever athletes are up in Fayetteville?  But hey, Casey Dick thew the ball 41 times which is exactly what you crazy assholes wanted in the first place, right?

The Big Ten is horrible.  LSU, in a much more roundabout manner, proved this once again last night by downing Appalachian State with an ease that Michigan couldn't.  Michigan, the winningest football team in the HISTORY OF FOOTBALL dropped a season opener again yesterday, this time to the Utah Utes.

It's ok to hate Nick Saban.  Damn you, Bama.  I wanted to you to lose and lose bad but, instead, you showed that you may be a true candidate to represent the West in Atlanta.  I know it's early for these kinds of things, but they seriously shut Clemson down big time and proved that their preseason ranking of 24 wasn't undeserved.  

Speaking of Bama and upset victories.  Auburn beat ULM the way they're supposed to be beaten making the hearts of many a Bama fan weep deep, deep down inside their chest cavity (just past the adipose tissue).

Corralling the West: Bad Boys, Bad Boys

This has been an incredibly active off season in the jail cells of the SEC West. Baton Rouge just purged the Perrillouxxr, Mississippi State players carried guns on campus, Ole Miss athletes got their swerve on, Alabama has taken the lead of the Fulmer Cup standings and, just recently, Arkansas has added this bit of humor:

Arkansas linebacker Wendel Davis may be facing felony charges after smashing up a car. Davis apparently got mad enough to smash his fist through a car window after, I'm not kidding here, the aforementioned car bumped into his scooter (I hope his scooter had a badass flame job, to boot). I find this amusing because of the mental image the story conjures up: a large, athletic male dressed in Arkansas Razorbacks sweats going apeshit because his scooter got a ding in it. It's a scene you'd expect from a smaller, greasier male in Athens or Naples, but Fayetteville? Seriously? Anyway, this adds to an already exciting, crime filled summer break.

EDIT: I wonder where this kid's first SEC scholarship offer is coming from.

Corralling the West

Ladies and Gentlemen, the star for the Arkansas Razorbacks. Well now we know who will be carrying the load for Arkansas in 2008. Cory McCartney at CNNSI writes that Arkansas' 2008 season will rest on the shoulders of Casey Dick. Here's hoping that works out real well for them.

I hear Ron Polk's available. Auburn Athletics officials are being coy about the vacant position of head baseball coach on the Plains, and the Dothan Eagle reports that no candidates have interviewed for the job yet. Might I suggest Rob Rheyensteddle (sic)?

Got more personalities than Rack 'Em Willie. The SEC Regular Season Champs tried to feel the Bulldog bite this weekend by losing a Friday night game to Lipscomb and trying to make the SEC look stupid, but Georgia
hammered in-state rival Georgia Tech last night to advance to Super Regional play. They'll face North Carolina State on Friday in Athens. On another note, I've been looking all over the 'tubes for this Gordon Beckham web gem from Sunday. If you didn't see it on Sportscenter this past Lord's Day, I guess you'll just have to go through life wondering what might have been because it was just sick, man.

Corralling the West: LSU, Arky (fixed), and State

The SEC truly is the conference which writes its own tabloid entries. That's why we're going to occasionally focus on what's going on around the conference to fill you, our faithful readers, in on the SEC scuttlebutt with a bit of boozed-up Ole Miss spin.

LSU: As you've surely heard, Perrilouxzzr is gone. Apparently missing class, skipping team meetings, avoiding coaches, screaming at strip club patrons, defending your pregnant baby momma's honor at a fine nighttime entertainment venue shithole club in Baton Rouge, using fake ID's to get onto casino floors, helping a buddy kick in an apartment door, conducting a lot of glaucoma research, and allegedly being involved in a counterfeiting scheme was the last straw for Les "el Sombrero" Miles. The former 5-star/Orgeronian wet dream will now be looking to utilize his football skills elsewhere and rumor has it that 1-AA Jacksonville St. is interested. I know it may initially seem foolish on the part of the baby-Gamecocks but they could easily clean Perrilouxzzr up if they're willing to do a little preparation ahead of time.
Take, for example, counterfeiting. The way I see it, the process of counterfeiting follows a very simple formula: X + Y = FrEe MoNeY!!!1~
Eliminate X or Y, and there you have it, problem solved (probably not).

ARKANSAS: Bobby Petrino is a douche. In a complete move of utter douche-dom, Petrino and ultra-douche QB Ryan Mallet (brush your God damned teeth) petitioned the NCAA to waive the 1 year of inactivity Mallet would have to endure as a transfer from another division 1-A school. The NCAA said no. What the fuck Petrino? Did you think you could just woo your way out of this one? While you're not too keen on sticking to your guns/word/blood-oaths, the NCAA is. Mallet, despite having a neato ultra-douchey website, will have to sit out like everybody else. Deal with it.

MSU: The saga of the Starkville-shootout ended yesterday with the sentencing of Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley. They both received suspensions or probations or some kind of slap-on-the-wrist nonsense typical of NCAA athlete trials and will probably end up seeing the field this fall. Oktibbeha County Circuit Court Judge Lee Howard said of his lenient sentencing, "I mean, yeah, they were firing off guns on a college campus, but it's not like they swiped pillows from a Holiday Inn or something." Coach CroomS, when reached for comment, fought through tears to say "They're such.... *sob* great young men.... such *sob* character.... MAROON!" He then grabbed the nearest flag he could find and immediately began to reaffirm everyone that he may be the most bizarre coach in a conference of bizarre coaches.

We lost to that?