The Local Voice #75

Check out the PDF by clicking the image. Our nitwitted bit is in text below. If you grab a paper copy in Oxford or download the PDF you'll see that Michael Ikea Chandler (to our surprise) completed our column with an illustration.

Repent, Rebels! Repent!

Being an Ole Miss fan will make you a religious person.

Sure, if you’re a member of the Rebel congregation you are likely a product of the nation’s most religious region and are likely to frequently darken the door of your local house of worship, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about that religion with all of the stories about Israel, guilt, and fancy Renaissance paintings. I’m talking about whatever religion the "sports gods" are the deities of.

"Sports gods?"

Yes, sports gods. The group of immortal, amorphous beings who strive to bring justice, balance, and heart-twisting irony to the fields of athletic combat.

I don’t know what to call it, but this religion has it all: legends/myths/tales, rituals, reverence, confusion, and congregational behavior. If you, the sports fan, do not find what we all see every single Saturday from September to January to be a spiritual experience of sorts, then you’re just not paying attention.

Oh yes, there is something magically ethereal about all of this, and the roller coaster of emotions that we Rebels are experiencing right now offers more evidence to support this than any cleverly written apologetic (that way too many people have as one of their “favorites” on Facebook) could ever hope for.

Consider the following: It is certainly an incredibly exciting time to be an Ole Miss football fan. We have All-American caliber talent on the field. We have a well organized, dynamic, and accomplished coaching staff. ESPN loves us. And, most importantly, we are winning football games...You know, against other teams!

Of course, with this joy must come the soul-crushing agony of Ole Miss Basketball and Baseball. Once favored to compete for the top divisional spot in each, both of these teams simply haven’t shown that they’re as good as many would have hoped. With basketball, we lost three of our team’s most significant players to injury, suffered through the embarrassment and speculation caused by our head coach’s behavior, and then did silly things like beat Kentucky and Tennessee before losing to Alabama and Auburn. Our football success was too much for the sports gods, and our basketball team was made to suffer.

In seeing this, we naturally turned our attention to the young baseball season. Having grown accustomed to seeing competitive, relevant baseball teams take Swayze Field during the spring and early summer, we were all hoping for great things. Ticket sales skyrocketed, our preseason press was as good as it has been, and a great majority of Oxford/University Stadium’s renovations had been completed. Baseball season was on and we were anxious to see our Rebels make us proud once more.

Then they lost to Mercer and South Alabama. At least the sports gods had the decency to cash in a few favors upstairs and have somebody drop snow all over our TCU series to spare us the embarrassment.

Let’s be frank, this could become the most disappointing season we’ve seen on the diamond in several years. As Rebels, this is the price we must pay for football success. Baseball and basketball have become the sacrificial lambs upon the altar of Cotton Bowl victories.

I’m sorry, Rebel faithful. This is just karma or something. We’re just not deserving of simultaneously successful sports programs. We can’t be a part of the Florida/Texas/LSU/USC group of schools who field a good team in EVERY sport just yet. We’ve still got some debts to pay, it seems. Maybe our history has something to do with it. Or maybe our uninformed and lackluster fans have something to do with it. Or maybe it’s the ability of our women to cause other fan bases to commit the horrible sins of coveting and entertaining impure thoughts that has something to do with it.

Regardless of whatever it may be, we’re damned guilty and the sports gods are enacting their swift, painful wrath.

The Local Voice #74

Our piece for this edition of TLV is about how obsessive a few of us get over recruiting. Take it with a grain of salt, like always and don't forget to comment, criticize, or politicize below.

Click the image for the full PDF of the special Oxford Film Festival edition of TLV. After reading it I've realized that living a day's drive away from the Film Festival is making my soul cry.

Football Recruiting: Sorority Rush for Men

This edition of the Red [REDACTED] Cup via TLV is written by guest columnist, Miss Samantha Marie Alford, the rush chairwoman for [sorority redacted]. Note: the views of Miss Alford do not necessarily reflect the views of the Red [REDACTED] Cup or any of its writers.

Hi y'all! This is Samantha Marie here! I want to first start off by saying "Hotty Toddy y'all!" Wow, I LOVE Dallas and to get to go there last month was great! I got to visit the Galleria and all of my friends from Highland Park which was super. Oh and the Rebs won! Hotty Toddy whooooooooo!

But, y'all, the time spent since the Cotton Bowl win has gotten me worried. Yeah we're excited fans and we should love Coach Nutt and the players more than ever now! But, in the last few weeks, my boyfriend, Kyle, and my Dad, Stanley, have just gotten really weird lately. I mean, they've always been real Rebels and loved Ole Miss but... but...

Ok, keep this a secret, y'all. The honor of [cuddly sorority mascot redacted] depends on it.
I think my boyfriend and dad have become gay for Ole Miss football. Now, y'all, don't worry. They are good, God-fearing men but, well, they just have really gotten into these football players. Like, really gotten into them. What's even worse is that they've taken it a step further and gotten all gross over boys in high school.

Just the other day, I was playing around on Kyle's computer when I noticed that he was still logged into Facebook. After looking through his profile and typing that I am one of his "interests" (hehe) I went into his message box to see that he had been sending these black kids in high school and Jr. College suggestive messages behind my back!

"I really, really want you to come to Ole Miss," he told a boy named "Raymond."

"Craig" got one saying that Kyle thinks his "videos on the websites are awesome!"

What websites?! He's even added a few dozen of them as friends and promised to meet up with them in the Grove or at the Library! WE used to meet up in the Grove or at the Library back when we were first dating! What is Kyle up to?! I've caught him staring at and buying drinks for dudes at the bar! Some of my friends have even seen him parking his car outside football practices and just watching them with a smile on his faces.

The other day, he even noticed that one of these little boy's "stars" or "rating" or something had changed and was all excited about it but he didn't even notice that I added marigold highlights to my hair! :(

If that isn't enough, I'll catch him talking to my dad about these boys and, somehow, my dad knows what he's talking about! My daddy's getting all weird too! He would tell Kyle about how he would "watch" these boys at their high school and really admired their "thick bodies" and "long legs."

He even promised Kyle he would do whatever it took to get some of these boys to come to Ole Miss. "You're really going to enjoy some of these upcoming freshmen," he told him. Guh-ross!
OH, and do you wanna know the worst part??! No one can give me any guidance! I tried to talk to my preacher about this one and visited his office. After knocking on the door like, I dunno, a bazillion times I just walked in and saw him staring at his computer screen with his mouth all, like, wide open and whatever. He didn't even see me and, THEN when I walked up to his desk, I saw a website with all of these photographs of sweaty boys scowling at the camera and videos of them running around and grappling each others bodies! This is not what Jesus would do. It was horrible, y'all! I ran out of there screaming and then I just cried.

I don't know what to do...

I mean, I can see people getting this excited over the Grove, cowboy boots, a new dress from Marimekko, frozen yogurt machines, candlelights, or Spring Formal (!!!!!) but not over this football recruiting. Maybe since I'm all burnt out after memorizing about all of these girls--their pictures, their hometowns, their interests, their hair color, their sense of fashion, their promiscuity--during rush that I can't see why boys want to do it too.

I thought they were supposed to get excited over, I dunno, bowl victories and stuff. The Local Voice readers, please help me and all of the other girls whose boyfriends and daddies have been taken over by their sinful, icky obsession with football recruits. Please!

The Local Voice #71

I completely forgot to post our piece from last week's Local Voice and, for that, I must apologize. Click the image to get a full PDF or, if you're only looking for what we wrote, check it out below.



A New Year, A New Attitude

Hope and change were two resounding themes of 2008. After years of disappointment, it became apparent that a regime change was necessary. We suffered through unpopular and ineffective leadership and, as a result, grew incredibly weary.

So, we made a hopeful change: we brought Houston Dale Nutt to Oxford. Immediately, our program was revitalized. While his goofy, preacher-like "rah rah" way of going about things earned him much criticism at Arkansas, it was a change welcomed by our team, fans, and administration. After spending three years with an unintelligible and unpleasant coach who was simply in way over his head as an SEC head coach, we were looking for anything, dear God just ANYTHING, other than that. Little did we know how much of a homerun we had actually hit. This change is exactly what it took to turn our program around.

If anyone needs any evidence of this, they should look no further than our recent domination (and yes, I use that word literally) of the #7-ranked Texas Tech Red Raiders in the Cotton Bowl. We spotted them a 14-point lead by playing careless, immature football. After buckling down and playing with the new swagger we've quickly grown accustomed to, we defeated a very good football team by 13. We even led by 19 late into the 4th quarter.

Our players played as if a bowl victory would have earned them 40 virgins in Heaven. The Red Raiders played as if their reward would have been a complementary trip to the Pizza Hut buffet during the bus ride back to Lubbock. We were inspired; they were complacent.

We weren't supposed to win. We were going to get dominated. Tech was going to hang 60-something points on us.

We heard it all month. Neither the mainstream sports media, fans outside of the Southeast, nor the Texas Tech players themselves gave us much of a shot.

But our players did not listen. They took the criticism and used it as motivation. Our coaches did not listen. They used the coveted prize of earning national exposure and respect to excite their team.

However, most importantly, we fans did not listen. "How dare they disrespect our team, our state, and our conference like that?!" When we trailed by a score of 14-0 in the first quarter, fans didn't cry for the coach's head or walk out of the Cotton Bowl. We had faith in this team and we knew that Texas Tech and the college football watching world had another thing coming.

Would any of this happened under an Ed Orgeron coached team?

Not likely. Under O, we would have thrown the towel in. Our team would have "fought" for that ever so precious moral victory while we fans would have bitterly grumbled our way to the nearest happy hour.

Hope and change have come to Oxford. Forget the victories over ranked teams, respect from the national media, and amplified play on the field. 2008 was about a whole new attitude with regards to Ole Miss football. We're confident, proud, and unflappable and I can only hope the same remains throughout 2009 and beyond.

Next season, we're not taking anything from anybody. If somebody from Starkville or Baton Rouge gets in your damn face, well you just get right back up in theirs. If someone from Fayetteville flips you the bird, flip them two and then throw something at them. If somebody makes a bold, Texas Tech-esque prediction that they'll dominate our Rebels, let them know that they're a dumbass.

We are Ole Miss. I know we at the Cup have grown accustomed to using that phrase in a rather sardonic manner, but we mean it this time. We are Ole Miss. We're here, SEC. Get used to it.

Here's to a great 2009, Rebels. Hotty Toddy!

TLV #70

Click the graphic for the full PDF. Look below for our column as written by The Ghost of Jay Cutler.

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Rebels, the time is nigh. On January 2nd, we will have made our long anticipated return to postseason college football play and we must make sure to convince all observers not of the Ole Miss persuasion that we're going to be here for awhile. To effectively do this, we must convincingly defeat a team which many feel are worthy of a BCS title in some bizarre, Texan universe: the Texas Tech Red Raiders.

This will not be an easy task. Texas Tech was a mere 44-point ass-beating at the hands of the all-worldly Oklahoma Sooners away from being the undeniable number one team in the land and has some excellent, Heisman-worthy talent on the offensive side of the ball. If we're not careful, these Red Raiders could score at will against our Rebel D and simply keeping up with the offensive pace that they will undoubtedly set will be a challenge.

I don't mean to alarm you, dear reader, and I don't mean to sound like a pessimist. While this bowl opponent could prove to be one of the most difficult we've ever attempted to surmount, a Rebel victory is nowhere close to impossible and our team and coaches are putting together a helluva game plan to take care of business on the field.

Now, we, the fans, must put together our game plan to deal with these pesky west Texans off of the field. While there certainly isn't a definitive and brief (key word) list detailing all of the problems one could potentially encounter with this, err, unique fanbase, I'm going to do my best to arm you with the tools and knowledge you'll unquestionably use over these next two weeks.
So, without much more ado, I present to you The Red [REDACTED] Cup's Guide to "Understanding" the Red Raiders.

-They're all from rural west Texas. Don't logically assume that there are Red Raiders from the *ahem* sophisticated metropolises of Dallas, Houston, or San Antonio. While they may have mailing addresses or even own real estate in these areas, their hearts and minds are held captive in Lubbock. Flat terrain, dust storms, alcoholism, and grizzled characters fit for Cormac McCarthy novels are all that they will ever know. Just picture Yosemite Sam with an engineering degree and a generally vulgar demeanor and you've got a Texas Tech fan.

-Their students have the air of a an MTV show about them. Shiny hair gel, baggy pants, and black tees are all the rage right about now on the Tech campus. Couple that with a few "brahsephs," petty drama, and Smirnoff Ices and you've basically got The Real World: Lubbock every day among their student population. They're loud, crude, begging of your attention, and unapologetically obnoxious. Why is this? Well, most of this is due to the fact that...

-They suffer from a horrible case of "Little Brother Syndrome." This season is the greatest Tech season in recent memory, if not ever, and they're still not even the most relevant team in their own state. Hell, it would be hard to argue them as historically being anything better than the 5th most relevant NCAA program in the Lone Star State. Just imagine a larger, louder Southern Miss in an inconsequential city on the Texan plains. The world is out to get them and they know it. If the oftentimes bizarre attitude of the Ole Miss fanbase can be attributed to historical relevance, the same for Texas Tech could be attributed to decades of people forgetting about their existence.

Tread lightly and carefully, Rebels. We've got quite a foe with which we will be dealing and it's going to take a complete effort on our collective behalf in order to vanquish them. Hotty Toddy; I'll see you in Dallas.

TLV bi-otch

So TLV has been released for this week, and, shockingly, they've decided to let us continue writing. You can read the entire newspaper at their website. You may also read our article below.

How good did that feel?

It has been a long, long time since Ole Miss arrogantly waltzed into a hostile environment like Tiger Stadium and beat an opponent so convincingly. Our offense scored early and often. Our defense held one of the SEC's best running games to a puny 37 yards, intercepted two passes, and gave LSU's quarterbacks absolute hell. Our special teams were consistent and gave the Tigers fits via great kick coverage and a zany fake punt.

We ended the game by taking a knee on the one yard line. Why, you ask? We didn't need the damned points, that's why.

Yes, it felt fantastic indeed. But, Rebels, just because we are certainly going to earn a trip to either Atlanta or Dallas and currently possess a crappy bronze flower affixed to a piece of particle board does not give us the right to rest on our laurels. Yes, we've endured the toughest part of our schedule and yes, the Walrus' band of Maroons should not present us with much of a challenge but if you call yourself a Rebel fan you have no reason to not attend tomorrow's game.

If not for yourself or a group of furtive rogue bloggeurs with a snarky attitude, do it for Houston Nutt. He's taken a team that didn't know how to win and turned them into a competitive group of young men with some serious swagger. Do it for Michael Oher, Peria Jerry, Mike Wallace, Jamarca Sanford, Jason Cook, and all of the other seniors who endured some of the worst football Ole Miss has ever seen before bringing you this breakout season. Do it for the the State of Mississippi, which needs to see her flagship school atop of the magnolia football world.

Do it because Mississippi State and all of those jackasses who ring those damned bells are still feeding off of their 17-14 comeback victory against the Ed Orgeron and Brent Schaeffer show. I haven't forgotten how miserable last season's Egg Bowl made me feel. Sure, that debacle allowed us to fire the buffoon running our team and hire a coach who has a 9-1 all time record against the Bulldogs, but that did not, for me at least, make the loss sting any less.

Tomorrow begins a long streak of dominance against Mississippi State. Don't do yourself a disservice and miss it.

If you've still yet to decide upon whether or not to attend the Egg bowl and are reading this, allow me make your decision for you: go.

"But I'm gonna be hungover from Thanksgiving." "I live 4 hours away." "I've got family in town." "Kickoff is at 11:30."

Whatever, I don't care. I'm a busy guy. I've got stuff to do, family to greet, and sweet potatoes to chow on as well. But, guess what, the Egg Bowl is on our just after Thanksgiving. This shouldn't be a new development in your life. This didn't just spring up on you last-minute.

Pack the Vaught, stay until the last note of "From Dixie With Love" is played, be loud, get rowdy, and send these seniors to their bowl game knowing that we, the fans, are with them all the way.

TLV issue #67

Here's our article from the latest edition of The Local Voice. Enjoy, and pick up a copy.

Let’s be upfront for a minute: this Saturday, Ole Miss plays the Warhawks of Louisiana-Monroe. This is super boring. Instead of providing hard-hitting coverage of this riveting Sun Belt matchup, we’re moving skraight to LSU. To set this up, we’ll recount the respective weekend sagas of two friends of mine.

Both friends go out of town for a weekend getaway, in search of some killer bars and the company of women of loose character. Friend A gets out to a slow start: he eats dinner and drinks with the guys, putting a half-hearted effort into playing the field, and heads to a house party, where he will inevitably pass out alone and wake up shivering at noon. Friend B embarks on his evening sojourn with reckless abandon and enthusiasm. He and friend C (who is totally not important) meet two promising lasses before the clock strikes ten, exchange phone numbers, and coolly stroll away, after arranging a point of rendezvous for later. Friends B and C stalk out a spot at a nearby sports bar, boisterously pre-gaming and entertaining thoughts of the spoils to come.

Meanwhile, Friend A has happened upon a most serendipitous situation: while surveying the various rooms of the house for the best place to retire, Friend A lazily stumbles into a bedroom, where two pajama-clad females have already staked out for a friendly slumber. Friend A, perhaps not realizing what lies in front of him, cautiously inquires if he might share the bedspace with the young coeds. Somewhat surprised at receiving an affirmative, Friend A crawls into bed, chats for a minute or two, and quickly passes out cold. Despite his inability to take a promising situation into his own hands, Friend A wakes up half an hour later, dazed and confused, but definitely making out. With both girls. Suffice it to say that Friend A, along with any red-blooded male, considered the evening a smashing success.

Let’s check up on Friend B: with an evening of glorious victory well within grasp (the ladies have been summoning him via textual message), B pays his tab at the Public House, hops off of his barstool, and strides off, a confident swagger in his voice: “This one’s in the ba- oh shit…” And shit it was, indeed: in the face of great potential and opportunity, our hero had pooped his pants. “Well, time to go,” says B, with dismay and embarrassment in his voice. B calls a friend to retrieve him at the bar and sulks home in defeat.

So if you haven’t figured out by now, Friends A and B represent LSU and Ole Miss; their stories (Actually true. You can’t make this stuff up), miniature allegories of seasons past. Just last year, LSU finished a haphazard 2-loss season in a BCS Championship over Ohio State. Ole Miss hasn’t both started and ended a season in the top 25 since the Vaught era (no research on this, but I’m pretty damn sure). So is this the year that fortunes change? LSU climbed as far as #3 early this year, only to lose three games due to poor QB play and some suspect coaching. Ole Miss started off slow, following a huge upset over Florida with a disappointing loss to USC, then rebounded with back-to-back SEC wins over two new rivals with plenty of bad blood to go around. Winning out could mean a Cotton Bowl berth and a possible 9 win season. Losing this game could punch a ticket to Shreveport or, coupled with a disastrous Egg-Bowl loss, keep the Rebels home for the Holidays for a fifth straight year. At the Red [REDACTED] Cup, we’re calling this one: the kid with the shitty pants gets the girl in the end. Hotty Toddy, and Go to Hell LSU.

TLV #66 - Extra Spooky Edition

The Red [REDACTED] Cup made the front cover of this edition of The Local Voice with our list of Ole Miss-related Halloween costume ideas. Click the image for a PDF or, if you're too lame to read the rest of the articles (wif pikshures!) you can just read our piece below.




Got a Costume? Here are a few last minute ideas for Oxford Rebels... and the bored.

This weekend could easily shape up to be the second greatest weekend of the football season (the Presidential debate coupled with making Timmy Tebow cry cannot possibly be topped). On Saturday, the Rebels will be (realistically, this time!) looking to defeat the Tigers of Auburn and hopefully serve as an agent for the dismissal of Tommy Tuberville. However, before Houston's harrowing hopeful send their foes home with a loss, an electrified Oxford will experience what is likely to be the rowdiest Halloween in years.

I'm certain that all of our loyal readers are looking forward to this potentially unforgettable weekend, save for, of course, those poor and timid souls who have nary a clever costume idea. Well, never far, Cup fans, for we have some suggestions we feel are well within in the budgets of most and, with the right swagger, can be pulled off by almost anyone. Enjoy:


A typical Arkansas fan - Wear a bunch of tacky, red colored stuff while screaming loudly at all of your friends. Tell them how horrible Houston Nutt is, being certain to use incredibly poor grammar. When people continue to ignore you, start whining and rolling violently around on the ground. For this costume to be as realistic as possible, you need to be somewhat irrational; you know, like believing acupuncture is a legitimate medical practice or that the moon landings were staged.

A typical Mississippi State fan - The same as above, except you need to wear maroon instead of red, ring a cowbell, praise the greatness of Croom before bashing Nutt, and be poor(er).

Pete Boone - Wear a blazer with khaki pants and spend most of your night being overly frugal and out of touch. If your buddy needs a drink, tell him that you'll need to raise the necessary funds and it'll take a long, long while. If he would like a Maker's Mark, get him the well whiskey and tell him it's Maker's Mark anyway. I mean, it's not like you owe it to him or anything, right?

Andy Kennedy - This costume looks exactly like the Hitman of video game and cinematic fame, except you need to know more than everyone in your general vicinity about basketball. Also, you must hang out at the Library all night or the costume won't count.

The Ole Miss baseball team - At the beginning of the night, be an absolute baller. Do your damnedest to make new friends, impress whoever it may be that you're courting, and get everyone to praise your excellence. Then, as the night is winding down, do something horribly, horribly disappointing.

Chris Todd/Kodi Burns - Put together this ensemble with fake blood, a tear-stained Auburn jersey, a Peria Jerry-sized footprint on your chest, and a handful of morning-after pills. Walk around all woozy-like while ordering plenty of Appletinis.

Tommy Tuberville - Wear a Clemson baseball cap with an Auburn cap over it. If you're into carpentry, put together a pine box with "3rd time's a charm" printed on it."

Dexter McCluster - Wear a #22 jersey, a dreadlock wig, and some receiver gloves, making sure to dip your gloves in a vat of bacon grease.

Jerrell Powe - If you've got some stilts, incredibly baggy clothes, and a few hundred pounds of unopened bags of sand, you can easily put together a spot on Jerrell Powe costume. Be warned, though; a lot of folks are going to ask you're if you're "that lame-ass monster from Cloverfield."

Tim Tebow's Heisman Hopes - Buy an orange t-shirt. On it, print "I existed before September 27th."

Houston Nutt - Wear a cassock or a robe with a stole. Aqua-net the mess out of your hair. Carry around a mirror so you can be sure to look at yourself in it while saying generally goofy, overly Southern things. You'll look crazy, but people will love you. And deservedly so, simply because you won't be dressed like...

Ed Orgeron - If you're barrel-chested and somewhat incomprehensible, this is the costume for you. Wear a skin-tight New Orleans Saints polo and a coach's headset (only for looks, mind you). Drink a gallon of Red Bull and take a dip in a bathtub of raw shrimp to capture the necessary energy level and smell, respectively.

Local Voice #65: Ready for Social Security Edition!

Once again, we have surpassed the icy constraints of amateur internet journalism to amateur printed journalism. The Local Voice #65 beckons you. Heed its call. Or, simply, read below.

OXFORD, MISS. (TLV) -Not since Eli Manningwas slangin’ rock (no, not that kind) have The Rebelshad any hopes whatsoever at a bowl, except to delusional fans like myself. I know it’s tough to make reference to the “Little Engine that Tried Not To” from Oxford as being bowl-capable, but let’s analyze the rest of the conference in what I like to call “AROUND THE SEC.” Cue the low-budget synthesizer power chords.

Let’s take a look at the first tier SEC programs. For these teams, success has come early and often in the season. Florida,
Georgia, Alabama, and LSUhave good records thus far and appear to be poised for certain bowl runs. We’re one for one
against that group so far in the season, and I think it’s possible for the wascally webels to weach, er... reach two for three. I’m not going to say whether we’ll beat LSU or Alabama, but we might... could... maybe... beat one. To beat Georgia, we would need some sort of complex time transportation mechanism. A magical telephone booth would work.

Then there’s the second tier of SEC schools. This group is made up of the “bowl likelies.” Vanderbilt, South Carolina, and Auburn make up this group. Vanderbilt. Why God? Why Vanderbilt? Can’t they just stick to winning Quiz Bowl competitions and Nobel Prizes or something? I’m still holding out hope that Vanderbilt’s loss to Mississippi Statelast weekend is going to lead to a downward spiral ending their season at 5- 7, but that’s not likely at this
point.

Next, there’s the group of teams with bowl possi- bilities. This group is significantly smaller than one might expect. This group will be fighting for one to two bowl bids. Kentucky and Ole Miss are really the only teams in this category. People, including myself, laughed at Kentucky early on in the season, but they kept it close against Alabama
and South Carolina.

Lastly, there are the bowl near-impossibilities. That’s Tennessee, Mississippi State, Arkansas. I don’t think that any of those teams have legitimate chances to get a bowl bid. Mississippi State just really screwed up their program by beating Vanderbilt. Now, Sylvester Croom isn’t going to be fired. Prolonging the inevitable isn’t something you generally want to hear in a conference like the SEC.

So why do the Rebels fit into tier three of the bowl sweep- stakes instead of tier four? While the rebels couldn’t figure out how to win after leading 14-3 early against South Carolina, don’t forget that this is the same rebel team who ripped Tim Tebow’s highlight-yielding crocs off of his feet and clipped his angel wings. Sure, some of the victory over Florida was gift-wrapped for our favorite team to cry for, but the Rebels stopped the Heisman winner from being able to gain a single yard on fourth and one.

The rebels only need three victories to gain bowl eligibility, and those are bound to come with games remaining against
Auburn, Arkansas, ULM, and MSU. If we can’t beat three of those teams, we’re in for trouble during Nutt’s tenure. With next
year looking likely to be a “rebuilding” year, it would be great if we were rebuilding from a team that managed to win as many
games as it lost.

I know that I’m not usually one to be so optimistic, but damnit, I’m ready to go to a bowl. Let it be Shreveport,
Louisiana. Let it be Memphis, Tennessee. Let it be Mantachie, Mississippi. Just let it be.

The Local Voice #63

TLV number 63 (hey, that rhymes!) is out. If you're in Oxford, pick up a copy. If you're not in Oxford, click the image for a .pdf. Our column is below.


This Saturday marks the Rebels' conference opener in what might be shaping up to be the craziest SEC season in recent memory. Let's look at the storylines: Georgia is talented, but hurt, and has looked unimpressive at times despite a #3 national ranking. LSU, Florida, Auburn, and Alabama are all in the top 15, but have all had moments uncharacteristic of an SEC champion. On the other end of the spectrum, every team (save Arkansas and State) has shown promise. Kentucky and South Carolina have stout defenses, and this week's Ole Miss vs. Vanderbilt matchup looks like it means something for the first time in this young sports bloggeur's lifetime.

Ole Miss sits at 2-1, and with a look at the remaining schedule, will easily be favored against ULM, Arkansas, and State. The rest are toss-ups at best, which makes this conference opener the potential difference in a bowl bid and another year in the cellar. We could win eight or nine, and we could win four or five. I say Vanderbilt is the turning point.

Yes, Vanderbilt is the turning point. Why so, you ask? Marinate in this one for a minute or two: Our last SEC victory was In November of 2006. Sarah Palin wasn't even the Governor of Alaska in November of 2006. Not only would an SEC victory spell hopes for our remaining season, but it would also show our fans, recruits, and boosters that Coach Nutt and company have this program on the right track.

This game is also significant for Vanderbilt because the Commodores find themselves in a situation they haven't encountered since Jay Cutler was a senior. At that time, Vandy came into the game against Ole Miss 3-0, walked out 4-0, lost a lot of games, beat Tennessee and then lost to MTSU in the final week of the season to fall short of bowl eligibility. If there was ever a team with less luck than Ole Miss, it is Vanderbilt. If Vanderbilt wins this matchup, they will once again be sitting on a pretty 4-0 record and, due to a televised win over South Carolina, be nationally ranked for the first time in a geological era.

While the season is too young to really know what to expect from either team, you have to like the fact that Vanderbilt has been passing for a pedestrian 84 yards/game. Nickson has been excellent on the ground, but with an increasingly healthy defensive front, Vanderbilt will hopefully be forced to take some chances in the passing game, which could lead to (fingers crossed, everyone!) an interception or two. On offense, things are a little stickier (not Brent Schaeffer, sticky, mind you): Vanderbilt has generated a lot of sacks and interceptions this year, which could force the Rebs to play closer to the vest, or risk making more costly mistakes. I do like our chances to make plays with the Wild Rebel, as long as Dexter McCluster and company continue to protect the ball. Brandon Bolden's continued emergence will also be important, as Vandy's front seven lacks the muscle of the SEC elite. Furthermore, if Jevan Snead plays like he gives half a damn, a la the Wake Forest game, there is no way the Commodore defense will keep us from scoring early and often.

Rebels, let's get this win. Let's remind Vanderbilt that their place in this conference is more defined by SAT scores and endowment dollars than wins and losses on the gridiron. Let's send Chris Nickson, Bobby Johnson, and the rest of the 'Dores back to the Music City with their first loss of the season while earning our first conference victory in nearly twenty-two months. Be there, be loud, be proud, and hotty every last toddy.

The Local Voice #62

The Local Voice #62 is out now! Snag a copy if you're in Oxford, click the image for the full PDF, or, if you're only interested in what we've gotta say, read below.

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It’s like clockwork.

If you are the head football coach of a mediocre football program or worse, the best piece of advice we can extend is that you contact Houston Nutt immediately because the football gods seem to smile on those floundering gridiron programs that make the gutsy decision to play the eternally former powerhouse Rebels.

Take a look at Gary Pinkel, head coach at Missouri. One can picture Gary’s high school gym teacher admonishing a young Pinkel as he failed to complete the desired number of pushups quickly enough – “You’re a loser Pinkel; Pinkels have always been losers.”

He was not quite a loser in his first five seasons in Columbia, but he was close with a very pedestrian 29-29 record. Then he scheduled a home-and-home with Ole Miss, during the second year of which his Tigers went 12-2, came within a win of playing the national championship game, and won their first New Year’s Day bowl game since the Sixties.

Or take a look at Tommy West. While his record against the Rebels hasn’t been haute, Memphis’ football fortunes, generally, have improved since the Tigers and Rebels renewed their series in 2002 after a two year hiatus. During that span, Tiger High recruited the best player in the history of their program and went to bowl games in consecutive seasons for the first time.

Nobody, though, says overnight success story like Jim Grobe. Coach Grobe is in his seventh season as the head coach of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Wake was one of those truly terrible programs that maintained its pride only by reminding itself that there were conference rivals like Duke who were perennially even more inept (and you can just keep your pot and kettle to yourself because our black asses won national championships that ain’t going away).

But the magic happened for Wake, and it happened when they put Ole Miss on their schedule. You might remember saying to yourself before the 2006 season (you know, the last time anyone without George W. Bush-sized delusions thought the whole Orgeron experiment was going to turn out well) that “My goodness, we’ve got something less than a murderer’s row of hapless teams on our schedule. I mean, hosting Wake Forest at home is a slam dunk, right?”

Well, it wasn’t.

As a matter of fact, we got treated to Parchman-style bathroom hospitality at the hands of the eventual ACC Champions. And this year, with practically every “legitimate” ACC team having embarrassed themselves in the opening weekend (except for Wake Forest, who treated Baylor as Baylor ought be treated), the Deacs look poised for another run at glory. And this for a team for whom “glory” used to mean keeping the Homecoming game respectable.

And, of course, the football gods (their name is Spurrier, proclaim their name to the masses) must still be at work. Because as the stars line up for Wake Forest in 2008, they host on Saturday the rabbit’s foot stuffed with four-leaf clovers of football scheduling – the “crazy in more ways than one” football firm of Nutt, Snead, and McCluster, PLLC.

So, we’re doomed (damned?) right? Not so fast. The pinko liberal hippies that have enough time between not working and not conforming to read a free newspaper that employs volunteer writes in some sort of journalistic circle jerk ought to know that there is no god. At least not one in football. I mean, if there was a football god, he would be a just and fair football god, and would have done something about LSU a long time ago.

But, clearly, there’s not. And that means we make our own destiny. So, put that magic wand in your stinkhole, imaginary football fairy godmother/wizard/deity thingy, because Ole Miss is tired of facilitating your Cinderella game. Dexter McCluster is the Richard Dawkins of football, and he’s setting his watch for midnight.

The Local Voice Just Got Cooler

That's not true.

It was cool before. That's why we were pretty damned excited when they contacted us to write a column for them. Yep, it's true. Every other week you will be able to actually tangibly read whatever drivel we've deemed worthy of print. Click on HDN's mug to download a PDF of the entire TLV. Our introductory column is as follows.

Undeniably, July and August are the best times to be an Ole Miss fan. The sting of missed trips to Omaha having finally subsided, renewed optimism abounds among the Rebel faithful in anticipation of football season. Visions of wonderfully humid days in the Grove sipping bourbon and mimosas leave thousands of good ol’ boys dreaming of glory days past, all the while forgetting why we collectively drink so damn much. After all, however thickly we sugarcoat it, Ole Miss football is the tragicomedy of college sports. Rarely can we win or lose in anything other than agonizingly dramatic fashion. Rarely (recently) have we lived up to even the most modestly optimistic preseason predictions. Thus, The Red [REDACTED] Cup Blog was born to laugh in the face of such reckless optimism. We’d like to think that for every crusty old bastard pining for heydays past (or non-existent), and for every fat, ponytailed, jorts-wearing internet sportswriter, there is a younger, more disaffected bastard behind them. Snickering.

We are those younger, disaffected fans. Archie Manning’s pro career was over before a few of us were even born. A majority of our undergraduate years included chopper motorcycles, a grizzled shrimpboat captain masquerading as an SEC head coach, and losses to Vanderbilt. Some people call us pessimists, but most would call us realists.

However, even through realistic eyes, there is reason for optimism. With a solid, while untested, quarterback under center, you’ve always got a chance. Coupled with a hyped running game, the offense could be dynamic. The defense, while riddled with injuries, should be better than last year at the very least by the Vanderbilt game, when Greg Hardy and Peria Jerry are projected to return to the line-up. That pass rush, with two projected first round draft picks, should be enough to get pressure on any SEC team.

All of these factors should be bolstered heavily by the most important development of the offseason: a brand new jumbotron. Oh, and there’s something about a new coach? A guy who apparently had 8 bowl appearances in 10 years? Eh, whatever. New jumbotron, y’all. It’s huge.

Truly, with regards to this upcoming season, the possibilities are seemingly boundless. If Snead, Enrique Davis, and the small platoon of newcomers who are expected to contribute early and often live up to their hype; if the injury woes are endured or even overcome; and if the Rebels pull off an upset or two, a bowl game and a respectable amount of national exposure should certainly be expected. If all of the above turn out not to be the case, Oxford’s real estate market will continue to slip into an empty-condo-riddled oblivion and Star Package will record another fiscal year of sky-high profit margins. All things considered, these next few seasons should unquestionably be very, very interesting. We at the Red [REDACTED] Cup are excited, and we hope you are too.

Hopefully, if we have not yet angered the editors and readers of The Local Voice, we’ll be here for a while, bringing you whatever our offensive and likely off-base Ole Miss sports opinions may be. We will also be available to you 24 hours a day thanks to Al Gore and his mystical creation of interconnected wires and tubes (we believe he refers to it as “The ARPAnets”). Visit us at www.Red[REDACTED]Cup.com and please do not hesitate to comment, criticize, insult, or politicize. Our content is regularly updated and as in-depth as a platoon of rogue bloggers can make it.